My best me

I keep starting on day one, and then crashing by 5 (pm, not day 5, which would be a miracle at the moment). Last night, I asked my husband to help me. He does help me, but he is also an enabler, as I have been able to persuade him to let me drink in the past. We had a frank talk. He said that he’s been worried about my drinking for 5 years (is 5 a theme today?). I said that I was worried that I’d be different sober, not myself. ‘But the best you is you!’ he said, ‘not the drinking you. That you is comatosed, not funny, not witty…you’re not who you think you are when you drink.’

So I took my last sip of wine.  It tasted bitter, and I thought, ‘I have had enough.’

He wants the best me. I want to be the best me. It starts today, and he is going to help me. And I’m going to help myself by going back to meetings, and listening, and asking for help.

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Mothering

Today is Mother’s Day in the UK, and today is my Day one.

I have had many day ones, but I want this to be my last. I asked for help when I woke – well, I asked the universe. I silently prayed that I would not drink today. I want to be a better mother, a better person; I want to feel better, to be better.

I reread the comments from yesterday, and felt connected. Thank you for being here; I don’t feel so alone.

 

So afraid

Why am I so afraid of getting sober? Why, when the success stories I read in other blogs speak of the wonder that is to be experienced on the other side?  I tentatively open my blog, and write, and then a huge fear engulfs me and I close it in a panic.  I retreat into a tiny world where I exist on my own with my drinking, and no one can see. At least, that is how it feels, and closing the blog seals me into the little world.

At work yesterday, everyone was talking about how great it would be to drink at the weekend, how necessary that bottle of wine would be as a reward, all that sort of talk. And my tiny resolve snapped in a second – it was ridiculous. One moment I feel as though I’m walking in the sun, the next I’m slinking in the shadows.

Behind it all lies this kernel of hope, and longing to succeed.

Back on Mummywasasecretdrinker’s blog, she started writing a year ago today, and her post today about the strength that the blog has given her sober journey is utterly uplifting. I do feel connected to Sober Mummy – Hello, Sober Mummy! – and to other people in the soberphere, many of whom contact me and ask how I’m doing. I feel ashamed that I keep disappearing, that I keep slinking; I want to come out of the shadows.

Resolve

I went to bed early last night and slept soundly. This morning, I woke with the feeling that I’m always taking on some giant project, that I set myself impossible targets. But I won’t worry about that for the moment, because I am so pleased that I am now on Day 2.  For weeks, I wasn’t able to muster the courage or conviction even to do that; it just seemed easier to drink.

Friday, and I’m at work, but quickly writing this so that you know I’m here and that I made it through. Thank you for your comments and support, which really helped to keep me going yesterday.

I will go back to meetings, I think, as I need real life support. But I also need to be hyper-aware of the addiction tapping at my resolve later today, when I hit Friday evening.

 

Inspiration

Over at the blog Mummywasasecretdrinker, my sober friend Sober Mummy is celebrating a year’s sobriety. Her story is completely inspiring, and she helps me to see that sobriety really is better.

I woke this morning with a hangover, having failed to get through another day one yesterday. But I am starting again today, and I am determined to quit drinking. Today is going to be my day, the day I sober up and stop treading water.

Yes, I have tried countless times, but never have I felt so weary of the pattern. But I have a steely resolve, along with the vision of a better future, inspired by Sober Mummy.

I have not yet decided how I’m going to do it. First, I have to not drink today. Beyond that, I need a plan. Meetings have put me off in the past, but that doesn’t mean I won’t try them again. I don’t want to go to the addiction centre, but I may need to reconsider that. I need to get all the alcohol out of my system, and get a clearer head.

My head aches.

My dappled path

Not so much dappled, more totally obscured, it has been hard to see along my path in recent weeks. For a while, I gave up on giving up and let myself go, drinking every day and trying not to care about it. How I thought a solution would appear in this dark route, I’m not sure, but today I have started to read Jason Vale’s book about stopping drinking, and I am trying to re-engage with sobriety.

The fear of not drinking, even for a day, is intense. But I have a couple of days off work, and am here alone with my thoughts; and for the first time in a while, I feel quite calm, and more ready to give it another go.

I remember once saying to a therapist that I needed to feel ‘rubbish’, that I needed to drink in order to satisfy some notion of relaxing, not being so ‘perfect’ in the evenings. For the last few weeks, a lot of this ‘rubbish’ has been happening, every evening awash with a sense of hopelessness as I descend into it, and allow myself to give in.

Well, I’m back, and I’m going to try again.