Being sure

Day 2. I am not always sure, but today I feel sure: I am not drinking anymore, I cannot drink anymore, I must not drink anymore. While I was drinking last week, I tried to keep in my mind what it felt like to drink, how hopeless and horrible I felt, how stupid it was. I was getting no enjoyment out of it at all. Those days really are gone, and I cannot believe I’ve spent so long stuck in the debate. And every time I went back to drinking, those feelings became heavier, the taste of alcohol increasingly sour.

It’s Sunday morning. My head is full of swarming thoughts, but I push them aside, and concentrate on doing other things. Pop pop pop, the thoughts of this party, that event, big holiday zip in and out, but all I need to do is make the lunch, busy about unpacking and getting ready for the week, all thoughts of alcohol pushed back. I’m mentally stamping on them, knowing that one sip leads to an inertia which can control my life.

Last week, there were several moments when I really was a nasty person: impatient, short-tempered, the craving for another drink so strong I didn’t care what I said or did. Now I have a quieter mind, and I am admitting to myself that any alcohol at all ignites that nastiness, and sets in motion a crazy evening or even day of waste and regret. I was surrounded by drinkers last week, but I took some time to talk about sobriety with a couple of people – neither of them had any idea that I was interested in it, they just saw me as a big drinker, a party person – and I noticed that their views of alcohol were different from mine. They weren’t obsessed, they didn’t think much about it much at all. And it’s the thinking that I want to quieten, so that I have time to think about other stuff.

A few people commented on my blog yesterday, saying they were on their early sober days, and to you I say: LET’S DO THIS. And to my friends who have been here for so many months, and even years, supporting me and commenting here and emailing me and texting me…to you I say: THANK YOU xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

15 thoughts on “Being sure”

  1. Well said. Keep plugging along. The first week is really crappy. You know it gets better. Just stay in the moment

  2. Hi Annie It was the nastiness that made me stop. I became so irritable and horrid with my daughter the minute I started drinking. That was over 600 days ago and I now have the most incredible relationship with my lovely teenager. We have a calm and happy home and you will too. Well done Annie. You are free now. Xx

  3. Let’s do it.
    Lately I also noticed that I don’t really enjoy drinking. I don’t even like the taste. So why am I keep on drinking? So yes, let’s do it.

  4. Hi Annie
    You sound so determined. I am too and am just one day ahead. It’s weird how our ups and downs seem to synchronise!
    Like you I am thoroughly ashamed of my recent drinking. Ashamed of what my adult kids must think. Of the money I’ve spent and the hours I’ve wasted! No more though.
    I’ve had a great sober weekend away and crammed so much in. Good luck. I’m right here with you xxxx

  5. Great to see you determined! Please please please change something up from your past attempts. A change in attitude is great, but you need more if you are going to do this. Go to a meeting — or a lot of meetings. Go to the addiction center. Go to rehab. Your alcoholic self knows how to defeat the same old sobriety plan, no matter how much you may mean it this time. Change it up. Match the seriousness and difference in your intentions with a seriousness and difference in your actions.

    1. Yes. Annie, I think of you often and my desire is for you to truly seek outside help. We can’t underestimate the power of the addiction. With every drink we pay. Whether we are on day 1 or day 1000, we are just one drink away. The time has come.

  6. Hi Annie. You sound determined which is great! Hopefully this time you can do it! Stay strong, and maybe think about going to a meeting. Hang onto this determination! A x

  7. So glad to hear this Annie! Be sure you surround yourself with lots of sober tools and support. It helps so much getting through the beginning part.

  8. You don’t have to enjoy not drinking in the beginning.
    It can be hard. You can do hard things.
    One day you will realize that is part of what makes it worth it.

    Hugs

    Anne

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