I feel much better today, more positive. Spring is here and the garden is full of daffodils. But it is also 10.30am, and I tend to feel good at this time – I’m definitely a ‘morning person’.
I am trying to hold onto and mentally record how I feel when I feel good like this: kind of untainted, ‘clean’. Every single time I have drunk alcohol recently, I have felt dirty and hated the taste. Even that first sip was horrid, with no elation or buzz attached. It really felt pointless and stupid. That is what I am trying to remember, because the craving and desire for alcohol oddly seems detached from the good feeling that alcohol used to give me. What I mean is: the cravings are still there – not now, but come 4.30pm (the time my husband says I tend to text him with talk of wine) – but not the desire.
Another positive shift is that my husband is completely on-side. He has always been supportive, but he was always quick to go back to drinking if I suggested it; this time, I asked him to take NO NOTICE of me if I suggested drinking, to IGNORE any pleas for wine, and to REFUSE any suggestion that we drink alcohol together. It is his birthday today, and the children and I are planning a special meal for him tonight, with a mocktail to start. What a kind, lovely person he is: to forego a glass of champagne on his birthday in order to support me.
I know it’s early days; I almost fear sounding too optimistic, in case I curse it, but I do feel as though this might be it?