Yuck. My blue sky euphoria has shifted, and I’m back at the familiar 4pm struggle. It is quite incredible how different I feel at this time of day, compared to the fresh, upbeat mornings. I was so thrilled to wake up to Day 6; now I feel deflated and doubtful. Of course I know that I’m doing the right thing, but I feel leaden, horrible.
I listened to The Bubble Hour on my dog walk. It is so good. I’ve been listening to it for 2 years now, and it never fails to strike the right note. Everyone’s stories are familiar to me: their drinking patterns, their downfalls, their cravings…and I get much comfort from their strength and the way in which they have found a way out. And yet, I find myself in this teatime pit where the evening stretches ahead mournfully, a yawn of grey in which I think I am giving myself too hard a task, making my life more difficult than it need be. I read of this often, this feeling of overreacting, of creating hurdles which need to be overcome, of trying to be perfect.
I’m not sure what I’m trying to say; I’m just trying to describe the discomfort, to try and get my head round it, and to avoid getting in my car and driving to the nearest place which sells alcohol, buying it and drinking it, losing myself so that I don’t have to think about it anymore.
I am like two different people, and I need to listen and pay attention to the blue sky person I was this morning, not let the grey version get a hold of the situation.
P.S. I’ve just been distracting myself by reading back through my blog, and it was the most depressing thing ever – so many day ones, so many cravings on day 6s, so much endless naval-gazing. Aaaaaaaaarrrrrggggghhhhhhh.
A Dappled Path 
You can do it Annie. The cravings get easier to deal with and they fade with time, but you have to get through them to the other side. Wishing you peace xo
Unfortunately, you have to ride it out. It will get better. This is where real live support (from meetings) comes in. You got through yesterday! Think of the next day!
Hi Annie, I have found that I need to have a bunch of different weapons in my sober arsenal. The Bubble Hour is definitely in there, WordPress is in there, and I just recently started reading a new book called This Naked Mind that I heard about on a WordPress sober blog. Keep looking for things to help you along this journey. You can do it.
You are doing the right thing by distracting yourself. There is no other way to get through this, than to forge on and get through it. Don’t concern yourself with tomorrow and keep posting! You’re doing so well xxx
Exactly as Jackie said. Change things up, distract yourself. Anything to avoid the painful and destructive patterns and choices of yore. Whatever you normally do at 4 pm, do something different. You did it yesterday, you can do it again today. And every day it will get just a little, tiny, microscopically bit easier, until you reach the day when you are surprised by how easy it is.
Annie, stop trying to be anything but what you are right now, a woman who doesn’t drink. Living in the past doesn’t help. Yearning for a blue sky tomorrow doesn’t help. Be where you are now, accept what you cannot change about your circumstances (You WILL have cravings in early sobriety), change what you can (You can stay sober in the face of the cravings), and call on the wisdom to know the difference (you can’t change history — the cravings and the difficulty that you have experienced on so many day 6s in the past — but you CAN change what you do about them (you can choose NOT to give in)).
Today is all we have to work with. Try to stay in it. The cravings will pass, though I am sure not soon enough for your liking, but they will. As long as you don’t drink.
You’re doing brilliantly Annie! I found in the early days the best thing to do was to go to bed REALLY early – like 9pm latest. That way you get less tricky evenings and more glorious morning! Bet your family won’t mind is it’s just for a couple of weeks….
Annie, it was reading back through my blog that opened my eyes to how trapped I was in the cycle of Day 1’s and then a few days of abs, then “Kapow!” Right back where i started. The cravings will pass and lessen if you don’t feed them. You need a plan for your evenings. Have you looked into learning some relaxation techniques? What are you doing after dinner? After the kids settle in? You’ve got to get a routine for these times or else you’re just going to sit and crave. Think about joining a forum, Soberistas, Women For Sobriety, Sober Recovery, SMART…there are tons of them out there. I suggest Soberistas or Women for Sobriety because they are very busy and you’re going get responses if you post, plus, they have chats. This blog is not enough support!! If you don’t want to go to meetings, get online. All you have to do is read the posts at first, you’re going to find you fit right in. You can’t keep doing the same thing and expect different results.
BTW, you’re doing great. I’m just trying to help make it more enjoyable, because it can be.
Just because it is hard and feels horrible doesn’t mean it’s not the right decision.
My yoga teacher says there is pain on the path of freedom. This is true for anything.
Every day you get through is a day you become more you. Hold on. Don’t drink.
Make sure you eat. When i come home from work i force myself to eat and or stop on way home and get a large coffee or smoothie. I force myself because i would much rather come home and pop a few (which if i tell myself only two it usually ends up 4 or 10 or more….. We can never moderate. If we could we would be like normal drinkers not alcoholics. I’m hoping you see day 7 and not another day 1!. Every day without a drink is awesome! (day 5 for me:)
Stay strong Annie. There is great advice above, listen to it. You can do this. I really hope you are on day 7 and not another day 1. You are doing really well. Ax
Sending positive vibes your way, Annie, and hugs, lots of hugs(: The first week is the pits, it only gets better from here(at least that’s how it felt for me). Hang in there.
Jaded
xo
I am reading this in the morning and so hope you made it through last night. I continue to wake up feeling fantastic, but by mid afternoon I still fall into the clutches of yearning for that glass of wine. The difference is that now I know I won’t drink. I have too many days behind me. I just keep thinking that I will feel better about it in an hour or sometimes the feelings fade in just 10 minutes. It gets better, Annie, I promise. Remember, those are just thoughts. It is not really who you are!
Annie I am reminded of many years ago when I was suicidally depressed. I was really battling the impulse and a wise woman ( a kinesiologist I was getting treatment from at the time) said that feeling suicidal meant that part of me wanted to stay alive. If all of me wanted to die, I would just die. In the way that a lot of bereaved husbands/wives die so soon after their beloved’s death. So part of me wanted to live and I had to throw all I had at that part. I had to hold on. I had to honour the part of me who wanted to live. So hold on!