Crazed

I had a bit of a meltdown this evening, so full of doubt.  I did this ridiculous thing where I ordered some wine to come with the veg box we get delivered each week, and then I cancelled the order, and then I ordered it again…and this went on about 10 times.  In the end, I cancelled it – I don’t want a case of wine arriving on Thursday.

I also tried to persuade my poor husband – again – that giving up drinking was too extreme, that I wanted to continue my ‘good sober work’ in the week, but drink at weekends. He doesn’t know what to make of all my indecision, but he patiently listened, and let me come to my own conclusion, which was that I need to stop thinking so much, and go to bed.

The mental gymnastics are crazy-making. In the meeting last week, I was struck, not for the first time, by the calmness and certainty of the ‘old-timers’, those people who have been sober for years. They were so sure of what they were doing.

12 thoughts on “Crazed”

  1. Unfortunately you can’t carry on good sober work during the week if you drink at weekends. Trust me on this one, I’ve been trying for months!
    Well done for beating the craziness and not ordering the wine – and early to bed is such a great idea! I’m going to go right now xx

  2. I would suggest a case of wine arriving on your doorstep is the very last thing you need Annie – so good on you for cancelling it! Blimmin’ well done so far btw, keep it one day at a time my friend. Love from The Sober Garden xx.

  3. I think that’s why we need to keep going-to reach the state of acceptance and peace that those who stick it out seem to achieve. When I look back through blogs and stories every success story has accounts of struggle and doubts in the early months. It seems that we just have to have faith and see what happens in the fullness of time. Otherwise we may never know the peace that is possibly waiting for us Annie.
    Stay strong xx

  4. I’m sure the calm old-timers weren’t so calm in the early days, either. You’re also right on about how we over-think everything. Good job, you’re doing great!

  5. This doesn’t sound ridiculous at all. You are struggling right now and that’s part of it. So strong that you made the decision not to get the wine. I have only been able to dream about no drinks during the week and drinks on the weekends. I couldn’t even get to one day alcohol free for such a long time. And look at you now! I love that someday, we will be calm and certain too. It’s a great thing to aspire to!

  6. You’re taking your battles one by one and winning them. This is how you do it. Well done. Another day and more sober wisdom in the bank .

  7. Keep going Annie. Cravings are normal. You just have to stay strong. Drinking on the weekend never worked for me. That’s why I am here. You can do this. You ARE doing this. A x

  8. I was absolutely not sure what I was doing for a long time. In fact, at one point during the first month I decided we should just stop this craziness, quit our jobs (which we have worked at for many years and pay us extremely well) and leave town so we could drink if we wanted.

    I was constantly hysterical and paranoid. But somehow I felt a little voice inside saying, drinking can’t be worth your career, your life? Can it? If I believe that I must have a real problem.

    The calm and peace comes with hard work and acceptance. And the clarity to see alcohol was not worth it.

    Keep going. You need this. You are not over reacting.

    Hugs

    Anne

  9. Annie, you know that by Friday you will be trying to persuade yourself and the husband that drinking at the weekend is a good idea, so write down NOW, on a piece of paper, all the reasons why it’s NOT a good idea. Give a copy to the husband and keep one yourself. Then, come Friday, you can read it again and again, and he can quote it at you. If necessary, give copies to your children! Stick them on the fridge. You’ve done this again and again – you know the pattern….

  10. Hi Annie, found your blog at the weekend and been reading with interest (thanks to SM for the link) and thinking how familiar it all sounds. In your heart you know (as I do, and so many others) that drinking ‘just for the weekend/Christmas/tonight/for this special occasion’ isn’t an option for us and never will be. My husband drinks, my friends drink… but I’ve learned it doesn’t mean I have to drink, and my time with them is just as good. Have courage – and take SM’s advice to write that note and read it when you have doubts!

  11. But you didn’t drink Annie. You didn’t drink!
    You need to remember the reasons why you want out of this crazy mental anguish and the only way you can achieve that is a long sober stretch.
    (I need to follow my own advice.)

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