All that fear

There’s me saying I’m not going to post so often, and now here I am writing my second post today. Erratic, or what! I have just reread my earlier post; it is full of fear. I think when I wrote that I wouldn’t write so often, it was a kind of get out of jail free card, a chink in my sober armour which would let me run away, not be so accountable, not be so careful. The truth is, I do need to post every day, because without this network, and without a place to put down my fears, my difficulties, and my successes, I won’t be able to do it.

But I expect you all realised that when you read my earlier post.  It was as though I was planning my own relapse, giving myself a loophole, permission to drink.

That earlier post? It doesn’t sound like me – not the sober me, anyway. It sounds like an alcoholic me, and it sounds like addiction desperately trying to cling on to me. Well I say no to addiction, and no to alcohol, as I settle down in front of a film with my 1 million calorie lemon cream slice thing which I  bought yesterday and haven’t eaten yet.

18 thoughts on “All that fear”

  1. Hi Annie
    Like you things are hectic with when I’m working and I was worried about boring people with tedious, brief posts. But on reflection I decided that even if it’s just a quick daily check in, it keeps me on track and I’m sure our supporters out there will just be glad we’re still on the road to recovery 🙂
    Just “still here” will do, then we know you’re ok xx

  2. Yep, I thought the same thing as well. So glad you fully realized it and stepped back from the brink. You are doing great, and that self-awareness is a wonderful tool. Just keep being honest with yourself. I find the only times I really run into trouble are when I delude myself. We’re all smart enough to know the truth of things; we just need to pay attention and make the right choices. Keep going!

  3. Yey! I didn’t think anything of your last post (probably because I’m new at this)except that honestly, I was sad. Because I like reading what you have to say and I like getting to know you. So I’m thrilled at your change of heart! Enjoy that treat!

  4. Sweet jesus, I had no idea your last post came across as a relapse. Like Ripley I am a relative newbie, and also (like Ripley) I would LOVE to read your multiple musings throughout the day.
    Keep on doing what you’re doing. It’s working xx

  5. Yes, I did think in that post you were giving yourself space from the online world in order to give yourself permission to drink. (Only because I used to do the same thing, and I did it several times!) Glad you’ve seen that for what it is, and I’m glad you’re here and writing and sober! xo

  6. Yes, I thought you were planning (consciously or unconsciously) a relapse. I committed myself to posting every day for my first 90 days, I needed the support here daily. I remember being disappointed if no one left a comment!! Then be happy when I checked later and there were lots of supporting messages! Go Annie, so pleased for you!! X

  7. I think it’s awesome that you confronted yourself here. You know your own tricks! I think that knowing your addiction inside and out that will really help you to stay sober. I’m cheering for you xo

  8. I reckon I was drinking about 1000 calories a day in wine…. since January I have dropped over a stone – despite eating chocolate, cake and lemon meringue pie when I feel like it! Eat the cream slice and feel proud of yourself! x

  9. Hange in there. Your to me just let me know that I’m not the only one constantly working through my emotions and recovery constantly and that’s what you were doing. Plus you give me hope that its okay to go through that process. Sending a hug your way!

  10. Annie, this post is incredible – and the lemon thing sounds divine. I want a bite! You caught yourself. You called yourself on your own shit. You separated you from your alcoholic-craving voice. And I LOVE what you say in your last paragraph… ‘It doesn’t sound like me – not the sober me, anyway.’ You know what you sound like when you’re feeling whole. Maybe not always perfect (Who is?), but completely YOU. Gah. I am so happy right now. Plus? I read your post from today and you, woman, are kicking ass!!!

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