I’m back for some more navel gazing. If I don’t come back here, I drift; and if I drift, I drink. Yes, it’s Friday, but I’m not giving up trying. Rushing off to work now, but wanted you to know that I AM HERE.
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A Dappled Path 
Naval gazing always makes me think of eying up seamen. Which is, I guess, a great way to take ones mind off the booze 😉
Huge hugs to you xxx
Ah yes! Have obviously now corrected my spelling. I’m blaming the spell check… Annie x
At least spell check didn’t autocorrect it to say, eying up “semen.” LOL
Oh, Annie, you poor girl. I read through all of the responses yesterday and I know everyone cares about you and wants you to have the best life you can possibly have. But even among us, with our various paths taken to sobriety, there isn’t one of us that can give you the map for your path that you are traveling on. We sure wish we could, but you are in charge. I’m not going to offer advice, other than rather than navel gazing why don’t you eat crisps or candy or ice cream, that’s what I did and felt justified in doing it. I know you already know everything you need to know, i know there is no magical word that I can say that is going to make anything more clear for you. I went back and forth drinking and not drinking for a year on my blog before I quit for good…almost. But there was 30 years of quitting and not quitting that went before that blog came to be. And even after I felt like I had quit for good, I drank again for a stupid reason 68 days later. The thing is, I knew when I took that last drink, that I would quit again and this time it would be for good. As someone pointed out to you yesterday, I’m sorry, I don’t remember who, you have racked up a lot of sober days and you can’t have that much time sober without changing. Now you will gain some more sober time, and if you drink again, you will be different. Maybe you will come to know that the last time truly was the last time. Maybe you will be able to take those bigger steps that a lot of caring, smart people believe you should. Maybe none of that will happen because maybe this time is your last time. Just don’t give up. If you don’t take any other advice, take that. Never Give Up.
Much Love from a fellow navel gazer this Friday.
I’m so glad that you are here! I feel the same way. I need connection to my tribe several times a day or the foundation starts to crack. Happy Friday!
Ah, SM now I’m thinking about Johnny Depp in Pirates of the Caribbean… Thanks for that 🙂
Annie it’s good that you’re not drifting. Staying engaged with your sober (or, in the case of me – not so sober) buddies will keep the focus.
Hi Annie! glad you’re still posting. Flossie x
Well I for one am thankful for your navel-gazing! Take no notice of idiots, still rooting for you!!
It’s been a long time since I had a sober tribe. I am wishing you peace and serenity. ; )
— S
I’m sure you have a lovely navel to gaze at! Although I misread SM’s response and spat tea everywhere!
great stuff annie. I do have to say though that I do agree with SM and hapless monster (is that right?!). I do think you need more help. I know I’ve said this before but it would be so great if you could get away somewhere (yes, like rehab) and give yourself some space. I don’t think you can do this alone and I think it’s time to face that. Not meaning at all to be mean or anything Annie. xxxxxx I have so much time and respect for you. xxx
Annie…I don’t think anyone’s advise in the last week has been “wrong” or “harsh”…for many of us, our addiction has been a very serious matter of life and death…and watching you just go round and round is quite scary, actually downright frightening, both because we care about you and because it reminds us how powerful addiction is.
I hope that you stop wasting your precious hours and days and get to start living, really living, being present for your family and whatever else matters to you. Do whatever it takes Annie.
Jenn
Another Friday. Do whatever it takes to get help before you drink this weekend.
You deserve it.
Anne
Happy you are still here Annie!
You know, I am a well educated woman and no longer a drunk (so that excuse is gone), so why is it I CAN’T FIGURE OUT HOW TO LIKE POSTS??
In any case, I do LIKE (in the social media sense) and 100% agree with (in the normal conversational sense) the posts above, especially the last three (anne, jenn, and mytimetoshine).
Jenn is absolutely right — for those of us who have acknowledged the power of this disease, it is downright terrifying watching you weave back and forth over the sober line. We want to be here for you (CORRECT RIGHT! CORRECT RIGHT!) because we don’t want you giving up and just veering into the oncoming traffic (I know it looks just like a couple pretty lights, BUT THAT’S A SEMI HEADED TOWARD YOU!!)
For a long while, I have thought that thing most keeping you from succeeding at kicking this addiction to the curb (OK, done with the street metaphor) is that you are not willing to admit how very much trouble you are in. In AA parlance, you haven’t taken step one — ” we admitted that we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.”
Now, I know you’ll say, that you know this. And I know you have documented on this blog time and time again how powerless you are over alcohol…and yet, and yet, and yet…
You still get caught in the trap (we’ve all been there) of thinking maybe, just maybe you are overreacting, that you are not lost to your addiction, that you can manage it. If that weren’t true, you would have been a lot more honest with your husband, whom I believe, if he understood how sick you are, would have, after this last “slip,” insisted himself you get some more serious help. But instead, you use him to convince you you are overreacting, that it isn’t that bad (right?). He’s always the first you go to when you want to start up again, and he’s the one who thinks you are being too crazy about all this sober stuff — from where does he get that idea? Is it from you sharing with him some literature or information on alcoholism so he knows that you show all the signs of a serious addiction? Is it from you telling him you are sick and need to get much more serious intervention to stop? Nope — it’s from you “navel gazing” around him. He’s your escape hatch, which is hardly fair to him.
But I digress. I just want to say, you need more than the support here and “a sober plan,” whatever that means. You need to surrender, admit you are powerless over the disease, and address it with much more extreme measures than you have in the past. Not tomorrow, not after work, not once the kids are out of school, not by planning on going to a meeting that is only on Thursdays, but I can’t go this week because….
I know you won’t consider rehab (you’re too busy, whatever — I think it would mean admitting to the world that you are an active alcoholic). I also could very easily see you ending up there “the hard way” — a health crisis, an intervention, some drinking behavior doing drastic (rather than the current corrosive) damage to your work, or children, or marriage. So why not think of a real commitment to aa (like get to a meeting NOW and then keep going) or to an addiction counselor as your get out of rehab free card?
That is a long way of saying, I don’t think you have many choices left: keep drinking, keep stopping and starting (with each re-start upping the drinking ante and making the next stopping harder), or up your game and get some real help.
The latter, please. All my love.
I wanted to say to you, Annie, that Monday is my day for stopping. I hope you do it with me and that we see it through this time. I’m quite shy about commenting on blogs and about starting my own. But that is what I did today. I found yours yesterday via Sobermummy’s. I’ve been reading hers for a while and when she mentioned yours I read back to the start of A Dappled Path. It hurt to read because I felt like that is how my life for the past 16 months would have read had I written it down. With obvious differences, I don’t have children or much of a social life!!
But essentially the same, the stop-start giving up pattern, giving myself a hard time each time I don’t manage to keep at it. Finding excuses… I don’t mean to be critical, I hope you don’t take my words that way.
Reading the comments on some of your posts like the one directly above from Hapless homesteaders and from Jenn… what can I say? There’s a lot of wisdom here, wisdom that I’ll be taking on board for myself. This time, if I can’t see things through on determination alone, I know there are two options. 1) I keep stop-start drinking until something other than my will kicks in 2) I have to get professional help.
I’m going to keep checking in whatever happens and I wish you all the best. xx
Here with you!
You know, one of the things that has kept me ‘honest’ (as in sticking with my a/f journey) for the past three months and three weeks…..is the sense of camaraderie and community that I have found in the ‘sober-sohere,’ thanks to SM’s blog and some others. I have not wanted to have to ‘face’ folks (who I dont know at all, but have come to feel close to), and admit that I gave in. It would magnify my disgust with myself. Instead, their strength gives me strength. And it worked again, tonight, yet another dreaded Friday, when lonliness can really do a number.
Cheering you on, Annie! xo
I’m glad you are still here Annie. Keep on gazing.xxx