Ploughing on

My poor husband: one minute I’m on the sober trail, the next I’m begging him to let me forget all my good intentions. So it’s no surprise that he was pretty sceptical last night, when I told him I had booked an appointment to see the counsellor, and that I had to pay up front to secure the slot. He said he had thought that I was managing moderation well, but that’s because he wasn’t aware of my secret drinking during the week. I know he thinks I overthink it all, and that I should spend my time on other things, but until I properly embrace sobriety, those ‘other things’ get sucked into the drinking vortex anyway.

It is my fault: I hold my husband on the edge of truth, and without all the information, he can’t see clearly how much help I need. But I’m getting there, slowly telling him, trying not to frighten him (or myself) – though we need to be frightened.

So, the appointment with the counsellor is booked and paid for, and I’m going – but it’s not until next week, so I need to get through this week and the weekend, and it’s only day 2 today. At the moment, that feels possible, but the alcohol voice hasn’t started pounding yet, and I know it will.

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17 thoughts on “Ploughing on”

  1. Your poor husband probably doesn’t want to face up to his wife being an alcoholic. You know what men are like – avoidance is a way of life! As long as the wheels aren’t coming off he’ll just not be thinking too much about it. (I’m sure he’s lovely btw!).

    Of course the wheels will come off if you don’t get sober. But you’ve got your appointment next week. You simply must go.

    Meantime, one day/one hour at a time. Big hug. X

  2. I can understand what you are going through, today is my second sober day too. Tomorrow I will be starting on Antabuse, it’s a medication to help alcoholics like me, stay away from alcohol. I hope everything works out for you with the counselor next week. Good luck my friend and keep hope alive. :o)

  3. Annie, you’re taking the steps you need to and that is great. It took a while for my partner to realise why abstinence is really the only way for me and he doesn’t even drink alcohol! Now he encourages me to stop because he saw how much better and like my old self (the one he fell in love with) I was after a longer period of non-drinking. I am on day 2 as well and am sending you thoughts of strength and support. All the best x

  4. Hi Annie, as you say keep ploughing on..I told only one friend that I was seeing a counsellor, and only told counsellor I needed help with alcohol after seeing her for several weeks about other stuff,,,I did not discuss going sober with my husband, as previously, because he did not understand or as some suspected liked me drinking as it kept me where he wanted me…hmm but that is another problem..he too had head in sand….but one month sober we finally had honest frank discussion,,and he is on board, particularly given the money I will not be spending on booze…way more than he knew…..keep going…it’s your life..xxxx

  5. Drinking and being honest about it just don’t go together. When drinking, I have to lie about it because I don’t want someone to interfere, like pointing out how much I am drinking or sleeping or wasting money. I want to continue with what I am doing. Until something bad happens and I am SURE that I want to quit … I must quit or I will die of something alcohol-related. Then I am willing to hint around about the gravity of the situation. Sometimes, after a few drinks, I am totally willing to get all emotional and serious (and weepy) about what’s going on, but I regret it in the morning. After six years of this behavior, my husband caught on and lovingly suggested that it was quit or rehab. I narrowly avoided rehab, but thank God the gig is up! It’s all out in the open now and he supports me. I now have good secrets: an online blog. I’m OK with that. For me, it had to come down to agreeing to rehab if I couldn’t quit on my own. I am only 27 days in so far, but I have a good feeling about this.
    — S

  6. I did the same thing with my husband. Until one day, I suddenly needed to tell him everything and knew that I couldn’t progress unless I did. Annie – it was the best thing that I did for myself and for us and it is one of 2 reasons that I am still not drinking. Hang on Annie! We’re cheering you on!

  7. If you don’t have a plan to avoid it, there is a 100% chance that you will drink between now and your appointment next week. You know that, right? Of course you do, but your addict brain is probably telling you that one last binge between now and then is OK. You’ll start your new sober life when you see the counselor, right?

    Wrong! If you’ve learned anything from writing this blog, it is that not having a plan always, always leads to drinking. So make a plan today: tell your husband a bit more of the truth, enough to get him on board and stop him from telling your addict brain things it wants to hear. Get rid of all the booze in your house. Find a meeting and go to one every day between now and then. Yes, even if you don’t like it and don’t feel it’s for you. Then when you get to the counselor next week, you will actually have started doing something. You can talk about how much you hate the meetings and come up with other strategies. You won’t be starting from square 1.

    And by the way, your addict brain will work hard between now and next week to convince you that you don’t need the counselor, that your problem isn’t that bad. And if you tell your husband a version of the truth, he will probably say that, too. Please don’t listen. Please make this the time that something really changes.

  8. Okay, there is one thing you need to get straight, As Trying Sobriety said above, this is not about what your husband thinks, quit relying on the poor man and do this on your own. He is not responsible for your drinking. Quit asking his opinion. His opinion is worthless anyway if you’re not being honest with him. You are the one that has to form your own opinion of yourself and your opinion is clearly that you should stop drinking. That is not going to go away, the obsession is never going to go away, you will never be able to be comfortable with your drinking,. Never. Not until you quit.

    Again, as Trying Sober said, sit down right now with pen and paper in hand and make a plan. As I’ve said before, every hour of the day needs to be filled with something other than drinking. Get pro-active. This doesn’t just happen. You don’t wake up one morning and not want to drink anymore. Everyone of us that you see that have quit, did something! We didn’t just sit and write about how hard it is. Go read the blogs to get some ideas. Hell, get on Pinterest, they have sobriety boards, too. Do something! Keep busy until that appointment.

    Don’t plough, reap! Dammit!

  9. Ditto what KaryMary says. I started to garden. I stuck my hands in the dirt to stop myself from drinking. I bought a kindle and downloaded a motherload of sobriety books, memoirs and trashy novels and went to bed every night at 8.30.Or earlier. I shut myself in the guest bedroom, cleared it out and went and bought paint with my “wine money” and painted it and made it my office. I walked. I cleaned like a whirling dirvish. I made To DO list after To Do List and attempted to put my brain on auto-pilot and work through them. YOU HAVE TO PLAN AND THEN DO. You can’t just wait in dread for Four O’clock everyday. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome. We are all here for you. But until you give sobriety a chance, and decide you love sobriety more than you love booze….you will be caught in this loop. Big Hugs xxxx

  10. Well done for booking the appointment Annie.. now like the others said.. get busy!! I remember you saying you had ordered the Naked mind (brain?) and had a teetering pile of self help books you had yet to read. Why not set yourself a task to read them and review them for others.. you have so much expertise in the battle and you will have an opinion on which ones are better than others.. pretend you are writing for a newspaper or book club if it helps you.. you seem to enjoy writing so use it as a distraction not a beating stick!

    Perhaps that’s not the answer for you, perhaps its gardening, baking, a boxset, some de-cluttering, but you need a plan.. a fun plan.. not a to do list of chores that you will procrastinate over and resent doing.

    If nothing else, write a letter to your counsellor, plan what you want to say in your first session (the time always goes so quickly!) what are the main things you are struggling with, where are you compared to last time, what has worked and what has been less successful, what is different this time around… Also consider other support… is it worth seeing your GP for some facts around your health and possibly some supporting medication? Can you widen the number of people in your life supporting you – a family member? A close friend? An AA mentor?

    Embrace the energy for change and do what ever it takes to prevent taking that first drink. We are with you. xxx

  11. Call back. Tell the, you need the appointment today. This is an addictions counsellor. I am sure they understand the dire need.

    Don’t let time pass. You are already starting to underplay this. Your husband is in the dark. You are lying and covering up the truth. He cannot be a source of understanding if he doesn’t know what’s going on.

    Do it. You deserve it.

    1. I think she’s right. Next week is a lot of time to fill. Can you fill it with non-drinking activities? Of course you can, but it’s not the easiest route. And right now you need as easy as possible. You need as quick as possible. Make a plan and make it happen. Good luck!

  12. The words above in everyone’s comments, so full of advice and support and love and understanding have just about got me in tears here! Here’s mine to add – a phrase I had never heard before yesterday, “Move a muscle, change a thought”. Whatever it takes Annie, get active on ditching the booze.

  13. Annie, I think you should see your GP and get some blood tests done and get some prescribed medication. Counsellors are one thing but I’m not sure just talking is going to do it on its own. it is the “how” we drink that is the frightener; always more than anyone else, the fear that there won’t be enough and the hiding the amount. I used to take bottles to the local recycling to hide the shocking number that accumulated in an average week. I don’t think this is a healthy living thing for you and me and many others in the space – it really is a life issue – please go and see your GP – tomorrow.

    Justonemore

  14. Annie, I hope your husband sees how much you want help and will be there for you. Be so very grateful if he is willing, some just give up hope and deal with it. I think it’s fabulous that you are going and I have as well, made an appointment with a therapist which I hope will help. You can do this, you seem like such a strong and determined person from your blogs. I haven’t read a lot but am keeping your blog close and will read them all eventually! It is giving me hope that you are still trying and have not given up! Hugs to you!

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