Thank you for all your kind words, and for your advice. The comments are so very helpful.
It’s day 3 for me, and I’ve just got back from work. Work keeps my mind busy, but the odd thought of drinking floats through, and now, as I near 5ish, the cravings are strong. I know people think I don’t prioritise sobriety, too busy to go to meetings, not moving the counsellor forward – but I also know that when I get overwhelmed, I tend to cancel all sober plans and think sod it. I will not cancel that counsellor, even if I turn up and tell him I’m drinking (which I hope I won’t be).
So, it’s still hour by hour. Tomorrow, I’m going to a meeting, fitting other stuff in around it. I sat up until late last night, rewatching the documentary I mentioned a couple of days ago; this morning, my husband said he thought I was obsessing.
I feel pretty horrible. Not unwell, just not right in myself. One minute I want to cancel the counsellor and give up the money, the next I think I must get there and see him, to work out what to do next. One minute I want to drink, the next I am glad I haven’t.
A Dappled Path 
Well done! I think obsessing is good. Many of us spend hours googling, reading articles and blogs such as this. I know I do.
My father died of alcoholic liver disease/liver failure. He was a company director, scratch golfer, husband and father to three uni educated children. Intelligent, handsome, successful, multi-talented, popular – but emotionally troubled and unable to ever face up to his problem. Our experience was not that different to the documentary.
I believe you are different. You want to beat this. And if you want to enough, you will. And feeling horrible is absolutely normal – it’s the pain before the gain.
Big hug! X
That’s why this is such a fucking frightening disease and I’m sorry about your father and it could so easily be me.
Justonemore
X
Good. Obsess. Your husband doesn’t understand.
Perhaps you need to show him your blog. All of it.
Put sobriety first. No social event.
You deserve this.
Today is also my third sober day, but I am getting a little help from a medication called Antabuse, which I ask my shrink for it, I just have to look for a plan to keep me busy, in other words… I have too much free time on my hands on the weekends. You are doing excellent my friend, I know it’s really hard, because I am going through the same thing. The only difference is, that I only have a problem on the weekends. Once I have the first beer… all bets are off. Keep up the good work and try to keep your mind off of the cravings, keep your mind busy.
Hi Annie
Stick with it …I too wondered if I was obsessing too much…spent last month reading many blogs, books about stopping, watching alcohol mastery on you tube…anything I could find,,,I have seen a counsellor, got a friend who understands where I come from and walked into an addiction centre (big big thing for me)..all without telling my husband, friends or family.. What’s the difference…after 18 yrs of trying,,,I have made stopping and staying stopped the priority…I have not In that time managed more than 16 days sober. Today is Day 33 for me..and I have no wish to drink..however my body is going through a tough time accepting my decision, I am working hard at going with that,,realising it is normal. I don’t know if you do sport, or play an instrument, paint or whatever, I was thinking of all the pain,effort, obsession, selfishness (ie putting training, practice first) that Olympians or people at the top of their game put in…they have set backs, challenges injuries, people who don’t believe they can do it,,,but they do, deep down and eventually get there…I think you have to put you and your obsession to be well at the top…you are worth it…stay strong.xxx distraction..avoidance whatever works..xxxx
Obsessing works! In January, on my Day 3, I got to wine time (about 6-ish for me) and began to panic about how I was going to get through the next few hours. I made myself a cup of tea, and started browsing through Soberistas blogs, where I discovered SoberMummy. I started at the beginning and read every entry – I think I went to bed at about 2am and realised I was on Day 4. Today is Day 115. You can do this! Patti x
Carry on obsessing. It’s not just OK, it’s essential. Re-read sober books, re-watch documentaries. Great job on Day 3 xxx
I am on day 80 today and I still am obsessing!!!! I just finished “Rachel’s Holiday” yesterday!! I don’t think there is much I haven’t read yet..but if it’s out there, I will find it!!! So keep on obsessing…That first weekend, that is what got me through!!! And I agree with ainsobriety….show your husband your blog!
Love Rachel’s Holiday! Love Marian Keyes.
The insanity of addiction! It’s crazy making. And the only way to be free of it is to get sober, in my experience anyways. Rooting for you xo
Definitely obsess as much as you need to. My husband questioned that last night and I set him straight. It’s critical at this stage.
I get it…I do the same and think the money isn’t worth the councilor, but I spend more than that on wine in a week and would actually be saving money by going and not drinking. Thinking about going myself, yet my husband has become complacent about my drinking since he realized that if I’m not drinking and making the effort he might have to too! He drinks as much as me, it just doesn’t affect him the same. Keep the appointment, go and see how it goes. I’m going to watch that documentary….looking forward to it. Hugs.
Cleo
It helped me to think about what the drinking was doing for me. When I had kids in the house and worked, I was often very stressed and on edge, which would make me snap at them. (Probably hormone-linked, to some extent.) I could control that feeling with exercise, GABA and a very low dose of an antidepressant. It made me calm enough that I could consider cutting back on drinking, and was able to start the serious quest of freeing myself of this very expensive “hobby.”
— S
Hi Annie,
I saw the documentary and it shocked me too. That guy with the swollen stomach being drained, my drinking habits were the same as his. Scary. That could happen to you or me if we drink again. No warning, just wake up yellow and swollen with a 24% chance of surviving 3 months.
That alone removed any thoughts of me picking up a drink again.
Good luck Annie, you are so close to beating this now. This is your time.
Noddy.