Today is my day off and I’m sitting in a supermarket, writing this. Not very glamorous. I’ve got a busy day ahead but am taking a few quiet moments to write and to think. I’m going to a meeting at lunchtime. This time last year (a whole year ago) this was one of the first meetings I went to. I haven’t been to this one for a while and I’m nervous. But I need to listen and I hope I might have the courage to speak. One of the ladies I met there – the first person I ever approached at a meeting (‘I’m new!’ I said) – recently contacted me, so I hope she might be there.
I’m not sure if my husband reads my blog – he certainly can, as anyone can – but I don’t want to show it to him, because I feel I will write differently if I think he’s regularly reading it. But we do talk. Last night, we were discussing an article in The Times about illnesses which people appear to imagine: they have symptoms but doctors can’t find any disease or illness. It’s not exactly that they invent it – they feel ill – but often, once they know they haven’t got anything wrong with them, they start to feel better. Well, my husband and I talked about this in relation to my drinking, him suggesting that I may not be an addict, that I just drink too much, and that if I stop worrying about it, the problem will go away. He wants me to be normal! I want to be normal! Aaaaaarrrrgggghhh!
If only! I felt myself being lead down that cosy path where I reassure myself I’m fine, and go back to my daily drinking. I even suggested I don’t go to the counsellor – after all, why would I need to? ‘I think you should go,’ he said, ‘to talk about why this worries you so much.’
Of course I must go. It is essential I go. It’s on Tuesday at 2pm.
My husand is away this weekend with one of our daughters, so the other two children and I will be at home together. They hate my drinking so it will be good motivation to hunker down and stay sober.
These things always sound possible in the mornings.
A Dappled Path 
Well done Annie for keeping your Counsellor’s appointment and arranging to go to a meeting today. Remember you are doing this for you and you will get there. It will get easier, then everyone around you will see how much happier and healthier you have become. x
Of course your husband wants you to drink normally. But you can’t, and he hasn’t got your addict mind, so it is out with his comprehension. You need professional help, not someone who is doing their best, but out of their depth.
My wife and kids always said that I was not an alcoholic, but after a while I was able to figure out that I am not, I’m just a trouble drinker, I can be without alcohol on my work days, my problems are the weekends, you see, I binge drink, because I have too much free time on my hands. But I am still staying away from alcohol. So I’ll be keeping myself busy during those times. Don’t get too comfortable, because after five sober years, I fell off of the wagon for one year. Right now, I am eight days sober. Good luck my friend.