I keep doing this: I try to stop drinking, I go a few days writing my blog, commenting where I can, making appointments, finding meetings. Then a huge fear overwhelms me: and I can only describe it as a fear of NOT DRINKING, a fear of setting myself a challenge which I won’t be able to sustain. So I close the blog (which feels like putting on a blindfold), I start drinking again, and I convince myself that my drinking is totally normal. And round and round I go, for the millionth time.
I cancelled the addiction counsellor. But he texted me back, saying that he would hold the appointment open, and that I could still go – to let him know 2 hours before. And with that text, I felt hope.
My husband is away, and I have a choice: I can drink away the evening, slumped in front of the television, the children upstairs; or I can not drink, start afresh, find my resolve again. I have to start somewhere – my sobriety journey is so imperfect and not how I wanted it to be. I see people’s blogs charting their path through 25, 50, 100 days, and I want that to be me.