I keep doing this: I try to stop drinking, I go a few days writing my blog, commenting where I can, making appointments, finding meetings. Then a huge fear overwhelms me: and I can only describe it as a fear of NOT DRINKING, a fear of setting myself a challenge which I won’t be able to sustain. So I close the blog (which feels like putting on a blindfold), I start drinking again, and I convince myself that my drinking is totally normal. And round and round I go, for the millionth time.
I cancelled the addiction counsellor. But he texted me back, saying that he would hold the appointment open, and that I could still go – to let him know 2 hours before. And with that text, I felt hope.
My husband is away, and I have a choice: I can drink away the evening, slumped in front of the television, the children upstairs; or I can not drink, start afresh, find my resolve again. I have to start somewhere – my sobriety journey is so imperfect and not how I wanted it to be. I see people’s blogs charting their path through 25, 50, 100 days, and I want that to be me.
A Dappled Path 
I know exactly what you mean my friend, I have been that path so many times. What I found out about my drinking is, that during the works days or Mondays Through Thursdays, I don’t drink or even touch a beers for nobody, my problem is the weekends. When I leave work on Fridays, well, that’s a different story.
What I came to understand is, that I have way too much free time on my hands on the weekends, so I am working on getting busy… you know, do something with the wife, read a book, just do something to keep my mind busy and off of the freaking beers. I am taking the drug Antabuse, just as a safety net, but in reality, I can go without alcohol for a long time without a problem, I even did it for a month and a half last time, it’s just that when I am home on the weekends, I get bored. Maybe you need a hobby or get out of the house, find something that you like and that will keep your mind busy, and that will give you pleasure doing it. You need something that will replace the alcohol and the drinking time. Right now, I am looking into volunteer work, just like my shrink told me. Good luck my friend, I hope that everything works out for you.
You are right Annie, you have a choice. Its the same choice that you have had before and I just know you can do it if you have faith in yourself. Don’t worry about tomorrow, next week or the week after. Just go minute to minute, hour to hour. My husband is also away this weekend, but for me that makes things a whole lot easier as I have total control over what I’m doing. I don’t need to feel guilt tripped into drinking, staying up late or ‘entertaining’ anyone.
Its day 2 for me (sigh) but this time I have a sober plan. I’ve got a nice dinner for me and the kids. Some light t.v to watch with them and a box set for after they are in bed. There is NO alcohol in the house as I KNOW this would screw me up. I have lots of N/A beers if I want them, some sweet treats and some l-glutamine. (No idea if it actually works but even the placebo effect can’t help. If things get really bad (I’m pretty sure it won’t but just in case) then I’m going to bed with a book I want to finish.. even if its 8.00 p.m!
What’s your sober plan Annie? How are you going to get through tonight?? xxx
You are getting there Annie. I just know it. You are doing exactly what I did toward the end. The time between wanting to moderate and wanting to quit got shorter and shorter. I had SO many final nights where I drank way too much just to get as much down my throat as possible. Since it would be the very last time. Riiiigghht. This became an every 4 day, then 3 day then 2 day cycle. Stay here. Write even if you are drinking. It will help so many who haven’t stopped drinking yet either.
Abra Cadabra! Make it so! There, the spell has been cast. You are surrounded by the strength of common souls. Serenity will follow you on the foot path of your days. Your worries will glide off your shoulders with every step you take. At the same time, you will feel stronger than you ever have. With every second, every minute, every day. The dragon will continue to breathe it’s fire, but it can’t touch you.
Unless you drink.
Then, “Poof!” the magic is gone and you’re back to your old self.
Don’t fu#* with magic!
The only way to do it is to do it. Don’t drink, go see the counselor.
“One day at a time” works because it keeps us in the present, and the present is where the action is. You have no idea what the future will bring, and there’s no point in imagining yourself there, sober or not. No point in obsessing over the emotions of Future-Annie (“I hate not being able to drink!” “I am so happy I have 100 days!”), because you have no idea which scenario will come to pass or how you will feel when it does. Same goes for the past. It is a bit self-indulgent, and certainly self-defeating, to beat yourself up too much for past failures. They also are illusions — you can’t change what has already happened. You can learn, you can apologize, but just moaning about the way things weren’t is of no use whatsoever.
We only have now. We can only act now. Don’t drink. Go see the counselor.
Or as the Dali Lama put it: “If a problem is fixable, if a situation is such that you can do something about it, then there is no need to worry. If it’s not fixable, then there is no help in worrying. There is no benefit in worrying whatsoever.”
Annie, I’m right where you are and sitting reading “The Naked Mind” and contemplating how my night will go. I SO want this to be day 1 and don’t want to wake up not remembering the night (even though I am alone too….all husbands must be away this weekend it seems)! It is SO hard and the desire for wine seems to multiply exponentially with the desire to STOP DRINKING! I am going to try and get take out and a movie to watch, no wine I hope! Thinking of you and sending you virtual hugs and strength!
Good luck RFW! It’s HARD! I’m on Day 7. I tried a few times and it wasn’t until I started blogging my own thoughts to hold myself accountable that I even felt I had a chance. Just going day by day right now. Forever hard to swallow still. Even 30 days seems like a long way away…Hope you enjoyed the movie! I made a list and made it a separate page so that I can look at it quickly. It’s a scorecard…my reasons why not to drink way exceed my reasons to drink….and yet…my mind still wants to. Sigh.
A sobriety journey cannot be perfect… If it was easy we would have all done it a long time ago. But if it wasn’t worth it, the old timers (;) ) would have given up a long time ago. Each day at a time. Everytime you give up you are a step closer to that final time. Who knows – you may have even reached it. Go see the counsellor. What’s an hour out of your life? If you don’t like it or him you never have to go again: but just this once? 🙂 x
Annie, I’m glad you are here. I agree that you can only think of the moment. It is day 119 for me and the cravings were back this afternoon. Warm, sunny day, lots of people out having fun but if I had given in, I would be feeling like shit now and ashamed tomorrow, so I didn’t give in. I also now predominantly think that getting drunk in the way I did is just not normal, natural, nice. Its self defeating, damaging, hiding, lacking control. I am slightly angry with myself for giving the thought of drinking any room in my head. So I am in bed, sober. I won’t drink tomorrow. Next target 6 months. Go see your counsellor. Please think about seeing your GP. When I have been sober for 6 months, I intend seeing mine and coming clean.
Good luck tonight, although its late and you should be fine.
Justonemore
Hi Annie…Please go see the counselor!!! What has helped me through my journey is my therapist. I feel like I have to report each week and I don’t want to give a bad report! It helps me with owning my sobriety! Plus, I get strategies to help me remain alcohol free. I am on Day 82 and before this, I NEVER had a Day 2…Never!..in10+ years! So, sometimes you have to change things to make it work..maybe seeing the counselor will be the change you need!!! Please go! And keep on blogging! xo
Sorry….for some reason it wrote my incorrect link!
Dear Annie, I’m going to repeat haplesshomsteaders’s gem of advice above: the only way to do it, is to do it. And you can do it Annie, one…step…at…a…time. x
I think I am at 500 plus days now, I don’t count so much because I won’t drink again because alcohol will never be part of my life again, it can’t be, one glass is never enough and two bottles was just killing me. I started my sobriety just like you one step forward two steps back. Being a drunk robs you of your confidence, sorry for the harsh word, but it undermines your faith and belief in yourself….well it certainly did that for me. Once I got sober my confidence and self esteem soared. I knew how hard the fight to get sober had been and I WON! So can you,. Please do the counselling thing, the right counsellor can make. All the difference. Give yourself a chance, take some time out, get some help with the kids, focus on you, breathe through the fears, tears and feelings, they will come and go, but don’t self soothe with alcohol, take a decent run at getting sober, get a plan and just do it, don’t overthink it. Once you take the leap of faith believe me the world is a thousand times better place. Trust yourself and believe in you, cos we all do.
Annie…of all the things that scared me, the thing that “got” me is how I just…kept…drinking…every time I said I wouldn’t. And I drank more than I wanted to. So many times I set out to moderate. And each time I drank it got a little worse. Sometimes it would get better or be okay for a bit…but always it came back to drinking alone, hangovers, blackouts, and feeling like total shit…
Mrs. D wrote a really encouraging post…please take a minute and read it, it made me think of you…..Jenn
http://www.livingsober.org.nz/thick-sludgy-mud-warning-laboured-metaphors-within/