The middle of the night

It’s past midnight and I’m still not in bed. My husband is still away. I had a good sober plan today – I was going to pick my daughter up from her friend’s at 10pm, a good way not to drink. But as the day went on, I rearranged it so that she would be dropped home by someone else.

This meant that – yet again – I had wine. After a while, disgusted with myself, I stopped drinking it and poured it away down the sink.

I wanted to lie, and to say I was on day 2 tomorrow. But whether it is day 1, 2 or 50, I just can’t get a grip on this; and every time I fail to get a grip – and that happens more and more frequently – I hope that I am heading towards a place where I succeed. Because I can’t go on like this.

 

19 thoughts on “The middle of the night”

  1. I know how miserable you are. But I would like to point out that there is a difference between the words “can’t” and “won’t”. In my mind, the word “can’t” is more open-ended. You can go on like this because you ARE continuing to go on like this. There are many times in our lives when we tell ourselves that we can’t do something, when in fact we can, but are too afraid to really commit. Deciding and owning that you WILL NOT- won’t- go on like you have been is much more powerful.
    I hope you can get to that place.
    With love…

    1. I really thought about this. You’re so right: that difference between can’t and won’t is part of what’s holding me back. Annie x

  2. Oh, Annie how I understand the madness of this roller coaster. Please don’t give up and keep trying. We will eventually get this if we keep at it and don’t give up trying. Read some more and try and re-focus on all of the BAD things alcohol does for and to you. Sending you massive virtual hugs 🙂 Hang in there and keep posting.

  3. You definitely are headed to a place where you will succeed. I’ve said this before but again, you are doing what I did toward the end. Throwing out the rest of the alcohol. Keep trying. Don’t give up!

  4. Make sure you go to the counselor. Tell someone you need to go and you are going to try to back out (maybe the nice AA lady? Your husband?), and get them to agree to take you and make you walk in the door. You need help, Annie, more than can be found in a book or on a blog. There’s no shame in that. Not many of us (certainly not me) got sober without outside help. I think when you are fantasizing about the people with long term sobriety — or even 100 days — you are not listening to the many, many, many of us who say that we could not have done it without a therapist, or a doctor, or AA, AND without getting honest with ourselves and our families. Tell your husband, really, — scare the crap out of him like you have scared the crap out of us. Go to the counselor. You can get out of this hole.

    1. I have texted the counsellor this morning (it’s a Bank Holiday here in the UK), saying that I am going to attend tomorrow. I will go. Annie x

  5. Annie..help is right around the corner! The counselor is on Tuesday, right? That’s less than 48 hours for you to get through before you get guidance from a professional!!! And..I would take EVERY WORD of hapless homesteaders advice! It’s golden!! xo

  6. You are so courageous to blog about this Annie. In the past, I have just dropped out of whatever group I attended after a relapse. To me, if I just erased the evidence that I ever tried, I never failed. That allowed me to continue to linger in the drinking hell for a long time because I was never honest with anyone about it. I am still struggling with the whole honesty thing, especially when it comes to minimizing how bad things were. Thanks for showing me how it’s done.

    1. Every time I close my blog, I try and rub out the evidence of my drinking, and I pretend that I’m fine. Having the blog helps me, and makes me feel connected, but I am going to try and stop closing it, as it must be unnerving when people see it shut. Annie x

      1. I know exactly what you mean. I disappeared for a week or so until someone convinced me to get back on and start over. Every little bit of encouragement helps. ; )

      2. Hi Annie, I am new to blogging, being sober etc….I had posted on your blog hoping to help, then you disappeared….it totally threw me…so glad that you are back and determined to keep trying….take all the help you can get…it has been the difference for me this time, it has taken me 19 yrs to get to day 38….thinking I could do it alone….could moderate…etccc….stick with it..I am beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel….you only fail when you fail to try…believe in yourself…xx

  7. Please go to the counsellor tomorrow – even if it is another Day 1. I can see this escalating in your blog. You are further down the road. You are rearranging your life so you can prioritise drinking. You are drinking when you are in sole charge of your children. You and the booze are a love-in committed unit and everything else is beginning to take a back seat. Your good intentions and best efforts come to nothing. This is SO serious Annie. You need urgent and very intensive professional help. I so hope you can somehow get it. I am frightened for you. Big hug. X

    1. Thank you for your concern. I am frightening myself too. I am seeing the counsellor tomorrow, whatever happens. Annie x

      1. We are all rooting for you Annie. We know it’s very very tough. But you will get out of this hellhole if you want to enough. Just keep remembering all you have to live for, to be sober for, to be happy for. You’re so much more than an addiction to a chemical. XXXX

  8. Hi Annie, I’m a newbie as such but I have had the same day as you over n over in the last 20 odd years! My hubby works away about 80%of the time. Having a couple of vinos once kids sorted became my reward to me! A couple turned into a bottle and now that has increased! Every day I fight a battle with myself… At 3am: That’s it! I’m never drinking again. By 8pm: Who am I kidding? Sure just a couple of glasses, today’s not a good day! I’ll start again tomorrow! Reading your post and Mrs d shows me I’m not alone! We can do it !!! The fact you’re still trying shows you are resilient not weak. Xxxx

  9. Annie, I know its a small consolation, but I’m proud of you for re-arranging your daughters lift rather than drinking and then picking her up regardless. You are a good, kind person who is so much more than what can be found in a bottle. Go to the counsellor, start finding yourself and enjoying life again. xxxx

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