Baby steps

Day 4. I had a big wobble last night, texted the counsellor to cancel, texted my husband to say I didn’t want to do any of it (counselling, sobriety) and that I wanted to drink etc etc etc. It was the same old story. But I held on tight, and later in the evening, I told my husband that I did want to continue with the therapy, and that the therapist had suggested I go to 2-3 meetings a week. My husband’s response? ‘Oh Christ!’ Not a prayer, I fear, but an exclamation of frustration, as I think he thinks the meetings are ‘too much’.

But in the quiet early hours, I explained that I need to do whatever the counsellor suggests. I texted the counsellor again, rebooking the appointment – he said he’d kept it for me again. He is PATIENT.

I really felt like drinking yesterday. It’s so difficult, and I don’t want to throw away what I’ve been gaining the last few days. Aaaaaaaaaarrrrrggggggghhhhh – is how I feel.

14 thoughts on “Baby steps”

  1. Hi Annie! You held on – great stuff! Was worried when you didn’t blog but you’ve not given in. Hurrah! Ignore your husband (you know why; it’s difficult for partners) and listen to your own inner sober voice. I think three meetings a week sounds an excellent idea. The more support you can get, the better. It sounds as if the counsellor really believes you can do it, but understands how tough it is for you. After all he’s been there. It’s a worthwhile investment. Just keep going with the baby steps. Rooting for you! Big hug. xxxxx

  2. Hey, do what ever you need, take all the help you can get, I didn’t ask advice or permission from my oh this time, as previous times he had just not understood how serious it/I was, and was an enabler as was worried how it would affect him if I didn’t drink.. I found people to help and stopped without telling him that is what I was doing…very hard in First few days…just got to tough that out,,it does get better…honest. But now he sees I am determined, day 42…first time in over 18 yrs..and has realised he has free taxi and the amount of money we are going to save he is on board and says he supports me all the way…although does still sit and drink 1 1/2 bottles of wine in front of me…but I don’t want to drink any more…..I want to live life differently and I will do it…keep going you can and will do it…you know you want to…really…xxxxxxx

  3. Way to go Annie! You have it in you! The beginning is really hard for all of us! You are not alone! That’s why we have so many day 1’s!!! Your counselor sounds great! I really like what walkingonsunshine wrote to you!! Perfect!

  4. So pleased to hear about your progress! Do whatever you feel you need to keep you on your path. I’m sure it will get much easier very soon. Stay strong. You can do this!

  5. This is really powerful stuff Annie and an indication that your sobriety muscle is getting stronger. How strong you are becoming to be able to change your mind like that.!

  6. I’m sure it’s v. Hard to acknowledge, but you’re really not getting real support where you’d like it most — at home. For whatever reason. That undermining, subtle or otherwise, means (may mean) an even more difficult path, esp in early days. But ultimately we are all in this alone, doing what we feel is best for US. Perhaps it’s time to drop yoor spouse out if the equation. Do this for YOU, annie, and others will benefit down the road.

  7. Well done Annie!! Don’t overthink things, just do what the counsellor suggests. I needed a meeting every day early on though. Good luck

  8. Nicely done, Annie. With meetings, you might want to pick up the phone number of someone you can text next wobble — BEFORE you cancel appointments and get your husband on board the new (old) non-sober plan. One of the problems with the blogosphere — as you well know — is that you can conveniently go offline when you most need support, that is when you’re wobbling (I love that word).

    When you talk to your counselor next, you may want to talk about strategies for dealing with your husband. My sense is that, if he had the whole story, he would be on board anything that would get you sober. Drinking is clearly ruining your life and making you desperately unhappy. From what you have shared about him, he is a kind man who loves you, and would not want you to be in the state you are in now. But maybe also you are terrified of admitting to him what you have admitted to us — that you are addicted, miserable, and in danger? I was loathe for a very long time to get sober because I thought my husband would only like the drinking me (just the opposite, it turned out — I am the only one who thought the drinking me was fooling everyone about how happy and clever and together I was). I also worry that you are ill-using your husband, letting him voice your own ambivalence — making him be the reason you keep drinking. I don’t think that’s fair.

    So, even if I read this wrong and he’s just a selfish enabler, talk to your counselor about what you can do to get him on your side (the real one). Tell the counselor your fears about being honest, and get him to help you reach out in a way that feels safe and will give you more support at home. That’s what you pay him for…

  9. My husband has no idea of the struggle that has been going on with me. I don’t think he really wants to hear about it. He would have the exact same reaction if I told him I needed to go to counseling 2 to 3 times per week. He drinks every night and i just ignore it, drinking my water or sometimes tonic with lime. I have bee at this sober thing for awhile now, but I still want a drink most days. I just sit with those feelings and the talk in my head because that is what it is, a voice in my head and then the craving passes and I am always glad I held out. Once you’re past it, all is well. Then you get to go to bed sober and wake up feeling great. Keep on going to your counselor, Annie, and muscle through those daily voices in your head. They will quiet down.

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