Feeling different

Talking to my husband has really helped. I felt pretty dreadful yesterday, terribly tired and quite poorly. I went to bed early, and woke this morning on what is my day 2 feeling better, and – as karymayhickey commented yesterday – lighter. Something has shifted; it’s almost imperceptible, but being more honest is helping to peel away the layers of deceit which have prevented me from taking sobriety seriously.

It still has to be a day at a time, I know that. Sunny UK has so many triggers; watching my son play cricket this afternoon with the parents clinking glasses may be difficult. But something inside me feels different, and the huge weariness I felt yesterday – a complete physical exhaustion – means I have no longing to drink. My husband had a glass of wine last night – he said he wants to finish it off – and I wasn’t envious. I was glad that I wasn’t drinking it. It looked horrible.

I have nearly finished reading Caroline Knapp’s ‘Drinking, a love story’. One of the kind people who commented here said it could be triggery, and I can see why as there are many descriptions of drinks, and the emotions that go along with drinking; but I also recognised so much in her story, and am finding it helpful.

Reading back over this post, I think I sound very serious, as though all the life and laughter have gone out of me. Hope I can find those things again.



8 thoughts on “Feeling different”

  1. Morning Annie!

    You are making good progress. Hang on to that!

    I had actually noted that your posts were very serious and heavy too – but that this was a very serious point in your life so to be expected. Also to be expected that you are absolutely exhausted. I think this is all normal so just go with it and look after yourself as well as you can.

    I always fancy a glass or six on lovely sunny days. But then I remember the particularly gruesome hangovers from afternoon drinking in the sun! And I bet there will be more than one person there facing the same struggles as you. If you truly feel you can’t cope then give it a miss and say you are unwell.

    Wishing you peace and inner calm! xxxxx

  2. Annie, I didn’t know you were struggling. I am so self-centred. You are so supportive of us bloggers. I recognize the slump that proceeds the drink. The problem is we want to skip the part about feeling our feelings without the fog of booze to shield us. That’s where I’m at in my month and a half point. Feeling the damn feelings sucks. When you crave a drink just remind yourself “Here’s Anne feeling the pain without booze… yay Anne!!” That’s what I do now. It helps. Feel the shit; it’s always going to be there until you deal with it sober.
    Thinking of you and cheering you on. GGS – Deb

  3. I think we have to get through the obstacle course (credit to SM) before we can be light hearted. I read through every post I’ve published and they are so mournful. I’m not like that 24/7, just when I consider the booze.
    Congrats on day 2! Keep going. I am cheering you on. xx

  4. You are doing amazingly well! So pleased to hear it. As for the seriousness, I think it shows you really mean it, and there are so many raw emotions going on in the very early days. The exhaustion thing totally threw me too, but just go with it. It will come and go in waves for a bit. Go Annie!

  5. Hi Annie, you sound different this time. Everyone’s recovery is different, but for me my feelings were all over the place, like a big pendulum. Happily going about my sober life, (pink cloud) one day to miserable, sad, depressed, feeling left out and what’s the point of life without a drink feelings the next. they are only feelings, they are not real. Real feelings take many months to resurface. That’s the trick of addiction, people believe they’re feelings. The pendulum starts slowing in time until you become a normal person again, with normal feelings. Difference after many months is you realize the opposite, what a waste of life if I drink again! You can get here x

  6. Good for you. Telling the truth about our alcohol use is scary and feels shameful, but it’s exactly what you have to do. Truth is like weed killer for addiction. If I had not told my partner and my friends that I was quitting drinking because I’d become dependent, I could have so easily slipped back into my old ways. At first, it felt like a lot of pressure to not fail in front of them, but now, more than a year and a half in, I don’t feel it to be a burden so much as it’s just a gentle tug. I have a built-in reminder of what I want for my life, and the fact that alcohol has nothing good in it for me. Just yesterday, I was at a gathering where there was lots of alcohol served, and I was feeling a bit uneasy. A drink would have been my old go-to to feel less awkward and more social in that environment, but when you are surrounded by people who know you don’t drink, it sure takes some of the choice out of it for you. I know that sounds scary, not having a choice but to fail in front of your friends, but in reality, it makes it easier to make the choice to turn down that drink. Your addiction tells you to keep it quiet. It will say things like:
    “Don’t be such a martyr.”
    “No need to make such a big deal, you’re not that bad.”
    People will judge you, and you’ll never have fun again.”

    Those are lies. And one more thing…don’t trust in how you feel right now, good or bad. Your feelings are transient and volatile. You’re going to feel bad sometimes. That’s because you’re human, not because you need to drink. You’re also going to feel good sometimes. Enjoy it, but don’t mourn it when it doesn’t last. Humans are not always walking around happy and joyful, so don’t worry when stopping drinking didn’t make everything better. It won’t, but at least you can know that you’re experiencing life whole and real, and not numbing out. The truth is that alcohol does not help anything, and not drinking does not make you abnormal. That’s one of the biggest lies of all, that wishful thinking “I wish I could just be normal and have a drink,” thing. Who said drinking is normal?? The alcohol industry? Your friends? The world? It’s not true. You don’t need to drink to be normal, but you need enough time between you and your last drink to get to the place where you can really feel that to be true. Screw everyone else and what they think. Do what’s best for you and don’t apologize for it.

    1. I’m glad I read your comment, SG. It hit home. I haven’t told anyone other than hubby that I am actually trying to quit drinking. The point about friends knowing is a good one. Right now I think I have left that little cushion so that if I fail then only I will know, nobody else to add to the shame. But I hear you. Something for me to think about sitting here on Day 15.

  7. You will find your laughter again. I am certain. You sound like I did on day 2. Something different. A change of mindset. I hope today went very well for you. It’s a whole new world with your husband there to help this time.

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