I am just back from my second session with the counsellor. I must have cancelled and rebooked about 20 times in the last week. The self-doubt culminated in my drinking an entire bottle of wine, and some other stuff, all by myself last night.
Accepting that I am an addict, that I can’t control my drinking, and that dreams of drinking normally are long gone, is incredibly hard. It must seem obvious to everyone who reads my blog, and it is obvious to me – but I was explaining to the therapist today how difficult it is when the drink calls me, and that however rational I am all day, the craving can strike and I talk myself out of any sort of recovery plan.
It is hard to accept. But I do accept it. He wants me to go to at least 3 AA meetings a week, and he has given me various things to read about addiction, and some strategies to help me cope with the next few days.
I have avoided going to therapy for a long time. I find it so very painful talking about my brother (who died when I was 21), and of course this came up today in the therapy session. I could hardly bear to talk about it; I felt so desolate. But the unraveling of the web I have woven round myself, to protect myself and my family, is part of the process, I fear. And I hope that I can find a way out of my sadness, and give up drinking for good.
A Dappled Path 
Annie, you are being so brave in seeking help. I too, as I suspect many of us have, have woven that protective web. I have often thought of going to therapy to help with my own fractured past but am too afraid of reopening that Pandora’s box. Day 2 here. I am with you all the way x
I’m very sorry for the loss of your brother, Annie. I hope the counselling really helps. I found my years of psychodynamic psychotherapy ultimately very useful and healing. But boy it’s tough! Got to be done though. Big hug. X
There is a way out of this, Annie, and you are taking steps towards your healing. One step at a time. I’m glad you are seeing someone to assist you in figuring this out. I’m sorry for the loss of your brother. That must be very difficult to cope with. You don’t need to hold it all in.
Wishing you peace. Xo
Do go to the meetings. You have some painful days ahead, but you always knew that, didn’t you? It really helps even just to sit with others who have or are going through what you are now. Real, breathing humans in real human time. You don’t have to buy into the philosophy or accept anyone else’s story as exactly your own. Just think of it as an hour where you don’t drink alongside a roomful of people also not drinking and who understand exactly how hard that is sometimes.
Annie, I found acceptance the hardest thing, too. Many times I thought I’d got there, only to find myself pulled like a sleepwalker toward the drink again. Like everything else about getting sober, I now see acceptance wasn’t a one-time thing but a whole series of small things (acts and decisions and choices.) The meetings and the readings will help with that a lt, as finding yourself in other people’s stories is so much a part of how we get through. I see so much of myself in the way you vigorously avoid any uncomfortable emotion. Now that I have stopped drinking, it’s the thing I have to work on the most. I’m really glad you’re talking to the counsellor and taking up his recommendations. I’m very sorry to hear you lost a brother so young. Finding ways to deal with your loss, and ways to feel your emotions instead of bouncing out of them as soon as they are out of the small range you are willing to feel, this will be such a help to you. I know you’ll find your way through. Like so many others, I’m cheering you on here! xo
I am so sorry you lost your brother Annie, such a heartbreaking thing for you and your family to have gone through. Xx
Annie…I’m so sorry for your loss and your pain. That is not easy. But, drinking just makes it all the more difficult! I’m happy you kept your counselor appt. and I liked his suggestion of 3 meetings a week. It might be just what you need!! xo
Oh, Annie, you have been through tough times! I’m proud of you after all the reading I’ve done on your blog. You’re identifying your issues and trying to move forward. You will. Have faith.
Hi Annie. Sending you love and support. Baby steps. Xx
I have had to accept a lot about myself and my circumstances as well. I guess we all have if we are trying to stop drinking. The good news is, there is definitely a beautiful other side to this acceptance. I am on the other side and it’s gorgeous over here.
You are NOT Alone!! Xx
You’ve done so well to keep your counsellor’s appointment again Annie. From recently reading your blog, I can see how that alone is a big achievement for you. hugs x
I am so sorry for the loss of your brother Annie, that must have been very difficult for you. Good on you for keeping your appointment with the councellor, he will be able to help you. Acceptance took me a long time to achieve. I think I am finally getting there though. Keep going Annie. You can do this. We are all here for you. A x
Have you reminded yourself of how brave you are a couple hundred times today? Because you are. I admire you for caring enough about you and your family to not cancel that meeting today, I admire you for not giving up.
This sounds so hopeful Annie. And I’m sorry about your brother. I can relate…I lost my brother when I was 25 and he was 21….it was hard at first to feel so much of everything so my heart goes out to you…keep going.
Jenn
“When we change, all else changes.” Expect wonderful changes for the better. It’s not all hard work and slogging along. ; )
Hi Annie, I’m very very sorry about your brother and I”m so glad you are seeking help and talking with someone. I have been trying to stop for over 5 years, and finally after a whirlwind crazy 7 weeks recently, a friend convinced me to attend an AA meeting. I”ve resisted for years, the area I live in is small, I had all sorts of reasons to not go….but, I continued to drink….alot. Fortunately there is an all-women’s group here as well. I finally went, convinced I would not like it,…etc. etc. It was such a relief to go into there and listen to other people share their stories…the honesty is unreal. It’s been weeks since I first started going….but it’s been amazing. I have not shared that much yet, I’ve mainly just gone in and listened. I was also convinced I could only go to 2 meetings a week…and now, i’m going to 4-5 a week and i’ve started going to an open group, men and women’s group. I would strongly encourage you to go, just try it, it may not be for you, but, maybe at least try it. : ) hugs. even