Last night I drank. I spent at least an hour persuading my husband that this was a good idea. This morning, I emailed Sober Mummy to tell her. She is so helpful and suggested I use the blog to record how I am feeling today, to reread when I next feel tempted – which seems to be round the Friday/Saturday mark, like clockwork.
When I drink, I hate myself. For a millisecond, I like the taste and the sensation, but it is fleeting and deceptive. A moment later, I regret it and already hate the taste, but by then the craving takes over and I lose control completely. There is no enjoyment left, just self-flagellation and abhorrence. Then I lie to everyone, and stay up late, and drink more and more.
I wake early, unable to appreciate the dawn light, self-loathing and fear crawling through me. Headache, nausea and vast weariness crawl after me all morning.
When I don’t drink, when I push through the cravings, distract myself and reach the other side, I feel elated. I realise that the craving has passed, and that it hasn’t lasted for very long. I attend to and listen to my children, I talk positively to my husband. I go to bed early and read my book; I sleep. The next day, I wake early and am grateful for the dawn light. I feel refreshed and energised for the day ahead.
I feel alive.
I will reread what I have written here when the self-sabotage next threatens to strike. I will succeed.