Last night I drank. I spent at least an hour persuading my husband that this was a good idea. This morning, I emailed Sober Mummy to tell her. She is so helpful and suggested I use the blog to record how I am feeling today, to reread when I next feel tempted – which seems to be round the Friday/Saturday mark, like clockwork.
When I drink, I hate myself. For a millisecond, I like the taste and the sensation, but it is fleeting and deceptive. A moment later, I regret it and already hate the taste, but by then the craving takes over and I lose control completely. There is no enjoyment left, just self-flagellation and abhorrence. Then I lie to everyone, and stay up late, and drink more and more.
I wake early, unable to appreciate the dawn light, self-loathing and fear crawling through me. Headache, nausea and vast weariness crawl after me all morning.
When I don’t drink, when I push through the cravings, distract myself and reach the other side, I feel elated. I realise that the craving has passed, and that it hasn’t lasted for very long. I attend to and listen to my children, I talk positively to my husband. I go to bed early and read my book; I sleep. The next day, I wake early and am grateful for the dawn light. I feel refreshed and energised for the day ahead.
I feel alive.
I will reread what I have written here when the self-sabotage next threatens to strike. I will succeed.
A Dappled Path 
When I’m having that first sip of wine, it’s amazing how I seem to remember all of what I think are “positives” about drinking and none of the downsides. Until the next day and the roles are reversed. Today’s a new day and you run the show!
There is a pattern and I could see in yesterday’s blog that you had decided you were going to drink. Definitely when you decide you are not going to AA/whatever and ignore others’ advice, it is a clear sign that you are preparing to drink. Somehow or other, you will have to get on top of that. Today is a new day, this is a new week. I wish you well. X
One day at a time…….I did not realise over the past few years of many day ones or wishing I could even manage one day……how many others were in the same position, not until I started reading blogs,,,,neither did I know how many people have successfully made a life without alcohol stick to become, days, weeks, months, years, decades…just a way of life……keep going…one day at a time it will stick…pick yourself up,,dust yourself off…xxx
I wish I had something profound to say. All I can so is, you are not alone…..
Did you delete your site DG? Hope you are okay. xxx
Me (and my site!) are still here……
Annie – 4, doing day 5 again. Alcohol – 1. You are still in the lead. It may not be all or nothing until as PR says “it sticks”. But you did really well based on your past blog posts! Take heart! Start again.
Cravings and feelings associated with them seem SO real at the time. Like you, if you get past them you see them for what they are. Good luck Annie, your so close. X
Annie, check out Hapless Homesteader’s post today. She has great Buddhist advice for dealing with cravings. Good one to add to the toolbox for next Friday. Xx
Annie I’m sorry. You are not alone. Do you think it is time to reconsider having a detox? Perhaps it is something you need to talk to your counsellor about. You said before that you are worried about the gap while he is away. Please make sure you have contact with someone who can support you while he is away. Go to meetings and keep blogging. Tori x
What do you want from drinking, Annie? Make a list. What do you want from not drinking? Make a list. Compare. Which is the worthier list? Please quit involving your husband in your self-sabotage, it is so unfair to him. You’re a big girl, you shouldn’t seek his acquiescence to fail, do it on your own. At least stop doing this.
Do you really really want to stop Annie? I’m not sure you do? I mean this in a kind way (perhaps because I feel similarly much of the time) but I guess I’m wondering just what it will take? How many tools, how many counsellors, how many meetings? Your blog stretches back years, but you don’t seem to move forward. There are a massive group of people trying to support you but we don’t seem to be giving you what you need. Yes, it’s bloody difficult and I’m the first person to say I am struggling too, but what are we going to change? It’s not impossible (although it sometimes feels that way) but where is rock bottom? How to move forward? ((Hug)) SWMum xxx
Thank you for posting. Great blog! As others have said – you are not alone. Since relapsing 5 years ago I have been struggling too. Today I actually reached day 5…amazing! Just don’t give up trying – we can do this! Hugs from a fellow Brit who lives across the pond. 🙂
Annie, I have been following your blog for ages now but never commented before. I can’t kick this thing either. I’ve been sitting here all evening, reading sober blogs, with a glass of wine to hand. Like you, I have a lovely husband (with an off switch!) I wish you all the luck/willpower in the world to get to that place where you want to be. But, it’s so stupidly difficult, isn’t it? xx
You’re an alcoholic. I ‘m an alcoholic – we can’t drink, anything. Its taken me years to accept those facts. I’m doing OK at the moment.. Best I’ve done in 40 years. Longest I’ve been without a drink but I know that I am constantly teetering on the edge. If I don’t stop now it’ll kill me….. probably. Stopping drinking is unmasking other issues with me and its bloody difficult. If I drink again, I’m off to my GP or rehab because I see a path where I end up like one of Louis Theroux’s participants and that scares me rigid. That’s why I can currently stop myself drinking, that and how angry I would be with myself for failing. I view anybody who presses me to have “just one” (after I’ve explained that I am not drinking) as I would somebody offering me cocaine. AS Belle says, don’t try harder, try different. You can do this, if you want to but it is far from easy. You may need a bigger shock. Liver scan is about £300 privately. There is a clinic near Baker St. Ten years ago my liver stiffness had just edged out of the safe area – took me that next 10 years to finally come to my senses so on reflection, I knew enough to get a scan and then was really stupid to ignore the warnings and advice. Anyway better late than never but the reality is that this thing isn’t just about hangovers and lost mornings – there’s a lot to lose in the end. Don’t lean too much on the counsellor – find some other tangible supports as well as him and us.
Good luck.
Justonemore
Keep trying Annie. And try to get to a meeting. Your poor husband must be so confused. Like others have said, it’s unfair to involve him in this way. A x
I am only new to your blog so I am not sure of your history. You have received some good advise already. Just one thing I might add, if you don’t mind and that is this quote, ‘ The definition of insanity is doing something over and over again and expecting different results’. Perhaps a different approach is needed? I wish you all the best x
You have children.
If they are not reason enough to find -(somewhere, via some avenue)- the will, then I can’t imagine anything else that is going to get you over the hump to where you want to be.
I recall reading, while I was still drinkng, an essay about a daughter witnessing her mother’s death (long and ugly) from cirhossis, and the daughter’s anger about it. Is that anything any of us want to do to our kids?
I know, in our denial, that none of us ever think we’re going to get to that kind of state. But it does happen. One of the scariest things I’ve read is that once we’ve run out our luck with our liver…it’s irreversible. (I wonder if there are images on google………..)
I agree! A young woman who has worked for me recently lost her mother like this- except it wasn’t a long process of dying. She became jaundiced in the middle of October and was taken to hospital. She went into liver failutpre and died on November 28th. She was unconscious the whole time except briefly- just long enough to tell my friend that she loved her. She left a beautiful young woman reeling, still horribly grief stricken- missing her mother every day. The mother was 55 years old.
In the dark, at 3am when my demons come, this is what terrifies me – I’m 54.
Justonemore
Yes I know! It’s really a horrible thing to do to the people that love you! One of the things that gave me the final push!
Good luck Annie. Some great comments here, I don’t think I can add much more, but sending you some sober solidarity. x
It’s time for this to stop. You make your husband the keeper of your sobriety, you try for a little while and then drink and come here and admit it, or sometimes you just close your blog and leave us all bewildered and in the dark. We are all out here struggling every day, too, so it’s getting hard to keep saying “keep trying, good job,” when you manage to string together 3 days. Maybe I’m going to get slapped for this, but I’m sorry, I just can’t relate at all to this. Yes, I’ve wanted to drink, as recently as yesterday, I was fighting with myself, but I was a damn grown up and chose my sobriety, for the millionth time in the last 20 months. You’re not just poisoning yourself, you’re hurting your children and putting your husband in a really unfair position. As a child of an alcoholic mother, I know something about that end of it, too. Take responsibility for yourself and be a grown up. I’m sorry if this comes across really harsh, but it’s how I feel. I know a lot of people are where you are, and I don’t want anyone to stop trying. But at some point it has to stop being “trying” and start being “doing.” Doesn’t it?
Hi Annie…The struggle is so difficult. It is said that if you can really “picture yourself” doing something, then it is possible. Keep picturing yourself sober! xo
Please get more help Annie.
You deserve it.
Anne