Saturday morning

I lay in bed this morning, thinking how I could start this post. But there is no way to start it, except to tell you the truth. I didn’t get past day 3, and today I’m back on day 1. It’s been a paranoid week of drinking, working, and trying to ignore what I am doing to myself. I have cocooned myself in a world where I can drink, and that is fine, and everything will be alright.

Everything is not alright. The last few days, I am OK in the day, going to work, looking after the family in the evening. But I secretly drank and drank, and no one knew – I hardly knew, in an odd way. It was as though I was someone completely different when I was sneaking the drinks in that way. It’s hard to explain.

I kept thinking to myself: things are out of control, I’ll start again tomorrow. At work yesterday, I became completely paranoid about a colleague, and confused everyone by being crazy about it  – up until now, I think they have thought I’m a cheerful, positive person. But the drink has crept into my very bones, and made me mad.

I can’t tell my husband. I don’t want to draw him into my weird world; I want to get myself out of it. I know I have the strength to do this. A few weeks ago, when I went to meet Sober Mummy, I felt this incredible hope and I am hanging onto that feeling.

If you are reading, please be gentle with me. I need to write here, and I so value everyone who reads and comments here. But I am frightened as well.

14 thoughts on “Saturday morning”

  1. Hi Annie, I have not commented before but dad your blog, as well as SoverMummy’s, and I relate to you SO much. I could be writing the same words as you…..if I was as honest as you, which to date I have not been. Hang on there with recording your feelings. I would like to write a lot more but am a novice blog commenter….any chance I could email you directly? Thank you, G x

  2. Hi Annie, no judgement, many of us have been where you are,,,you are very honest, my drinking caused me to have completely irrational views on relationships,,I too can relate to feeling like, I was someone else, almost dual personality…quite alarming…now 57 days free I am really beginning to see the true extent of how ill I was….please keep seeing your counsellor, keep posting, going to meetings..believe you can do this…want it with all your heart…I have never told anyone the true extent of what was going on for me…some things are best kept that way..although I did come close to telling counsellor…she would have been ok to tell….keep going…..xx

  3. Hey Annie,
    Sending big hugs your way. I really feel for you. I never wrote about booze the year or so before I gave up, but I know if I did my posts would be so similar to yours. I am pretty sure there are many others who feel the same. It’s so tough. The first day or two of determination, then thinking you can moderate, then pretending to yourself ‘whatever who cares, everyone drinks.’ No judgement at all – just a lot of empathy and support. At one point something just changed for me. I don’t know what, but it really really clicked. After a one drink binge. On the bad days I curse that that happened, that moment! ‘Waaaaa why couldn’t I just ignore it and keep drinking…!?! ‘

    But I’m now just over 8 months sober. And it’s hard, but worth it. And one day, who knows when. I’m sure you’ll be saying the same to someone else. (I NEVER thought I’d be here!!!)
    Xx

  4. Hi Annie, Sending love and hugs. I promise you are not mad. The paranoia will pass when you eventually give up. Unfortunately the longer you drink the worse things will get. I used to say to myself – I will definitely stop one day, why put myself through all this in the meantime. I may as well stop now. Keep trying Annie.

  5. Annie. Please talk to your husband. Please consider again a detox. I was like you but in the end I knew I needed professional help and I picked up the phone and called the local drugs and alcohol service. I am so glad I did. The overwhelming sense of relief was almost painful. It is hard but I am at 52 days now. Please consider it. Tori x

  6. Annie you’re breaking my heart, I keep checking in every couple of days, I felt like this for years, complete vicious circle, and I just don’t now, the last 5 weeks have been life changing for me, I keep telling myself I can drink if I want to, I’m not telling myself I’m never going to drink again, but each new day I just don’t want to that day, don’t want that horrible feeling. I stopped blogging as it made me too conscious of what I was trying to achieve. (although I’m not suggesting you do) I thought about drinking all day every day, not craving just aware that I wasn’t drinking that day, and it’s passed, I promise you it will pass, I ate loads and loads of crap, ice cream etc in the evening, I don’t tell myself I can never drink again because I don’t want to feel like a freak, but I know I won’t drink today. We all know how you feel so don’t think you are alone. The first few weeks will be hard, but it will be so worth it, forget everyone else, do it for yourself. Please email me if you ever just feel crap in an evening, take care xx

    1. I’m on day 71 and still feel like that. Mostly I don’t have cravings although still mainlining chocolate! Yesterday though I was really tempted. I even got the wine as part of the M&S Dine In offer. But then I thought: no, just wait till tomorrow, and if you still want it then, you can have it. Today I got up and was so glad I hadn’t drunk it and was facing the day without a hangover, to say nothing about the disappointment if I’d given in after so long. I think it takes about 100 days for the dopamine levels in the brain to re-set so I’ve still got a way to go on the sugar cravings and the emotional rollercoaster lol! Perhaps that’s why AA likes newbies to go to 90 meetings in 90 days. All the very best! x

  7. Sending you the biggest hug Annie! I’ve been worried and I’m sure we all are. You must be feeling so utterly despairing. I think trying to do this yourself and keep things secret is harming you. Please get much more help. I think it will be the only way you can get the strength to stop and stay stopped.

    You have such a stressful life and it is being made impossible with the drinking. Every week it seems to become harder for you. Nobody would be able to do this alone so you are setting yourself too hard a task. If you were your best friend or your husband, what would you say to her/him?

    Sometimes everything needs to fall apart in order to be put together in a better way. Trying desperately to keep things the way they are is a waste of all your energy. We’re all afraid of chaos and often try to hold things together in the most adverse circumstances, but you just can’t go on forever like this. You have to let things unfold and you need support to do this.

    Please keep blogging Annie, even just a couple of lines. I don’t know if you can stop our comments, and just blog if that would be easier? Know that we all care about you and want you to be well and happy. XXXX

  8. Annie, let’s face it, those of us that have followed your blog for a while knew on day four when you didn’t post that you had probably slipped. When you are drinking you stop posting. I think the secrecy is scaring me more than the drinking, you are shutting out help in a web of shame and fear. If you don’t let people in (in the real world as much as the virtual world) I can’t see how the pattern will change. If you keep doing what you are doing you will keep getting what you are getting. Your counsellor going away has been unhelpful. I think you need to check how many holidays he has planned over the next three months and have a back up plan or get him to refer you to someone else. You need consistency, stability and honesty to move forward. I’m not sure this is just about your liver anymore but rather what this ongoing pattern of abstinence, lapse, shame, secrecy, despair, is doing to your mental health. Is your GP really not an option? I’m trying to be ‘gentle’ but if I collude with you that everything is ok then I’m only giving you permission to continue in destructive behaviours. Can’t you see it’s getting worse? It’s not okay and we care about you.

  9. Dear dappled path, don’t lose hope! I’m in the exact same boat!! This is “addiction”, no more no less. From reading other peoples posts who have made it out , I know I will get to day 3,4,5, etc. So will you, “this too will pass”, we will make it!.

  10. I understand what you are going through and I am fighting the same battle. We can do it Annie. I know we can….

  11. Annie, the paranoia was probably the worst part of the drinking for me in the end, and it was always made worse by me having to keep up a false front with so many people while drinking way too much mostly in private. I understand how frightened you are, and I really feel for you here. But you have hope and people around you who care and you can act to change this. I believe you can and will do that! xo

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