I feel really sad this afternoon. I had a crazy morning, ordering wine on the Internet, then cancelling it. Talking to my husband later, I tried to suggest my usual moderation plan – not drinking in the week. He pointed out that this has not worked for a long time, and he spoke about the ‘dream drink’ in my mind, that drink which I imagine having in a ‘dream’ situation. He said he can’t imagine my ever reaching that point again, that I was too far gone for that. It made me feel incredibly sad, although I know he’s right.
Then, he said that he didn’t feel so close to me anymore, that my obsession with drinking and trying to stop drinking has taken over.
It is so very painful. I know that I probably have been consumed with thoughts about all this, and that it must distract me from caring about him, and being a good wife and mother. But I also feel that I have to go through this process, that I have to work through my obsession and understand it better, if I am to gain any sort of clarity.
But I hate the thought that I may have been distant, or preoccupied, and that he feels removed from me in any way.
So, nearing the afternoon of Day 2, sad and lonely, and feeling kind of empty inside.
A Dappled Path 
Hi Annie. I promise the sad feeling will lift as you get better. That’s how addiction works. I still struggle some days, but as time goes on sad days become rarer. Stay strong and remember these feelings are temporary x
Moderation will never be possible as you know in your heart.Your love affair with the bottle has to end by ceasing all contact. Please don’t drink today. Just don’t have that first drink. As he says, it is an illusion. It won’t make you feel any better. Those days are over. Is this your rock bottom?
Please go to a meeting this afternoon or this evening. Or phone someone who can help. Have faith in a future where you are light, free and happy without the booze.
Big hug Annie. But you have to find your inner survival instinct and push through to a sober life.
Oh Annie, I feel I need to add – and I don’t want to be cruel – that this “working through my obsession and getting clarity” is the addiction talking. You’ve been trying to do that over the last three years with your blog. And you’re now in a far worse place than you were then.
The truth is that you will only start to get at the truth, get some clarity, once you are sober. Once you have stopped drinking.
You will not achieve anything by continuing to drink. On any level. You will only destroy everything you love and value.
I really hope you haven’t ordered bulk buy wine. I really hope you’re not preparing to drink today. But I’m very afraid you will. I’m so sorry for you. XXXX
Aren’t you exhausted? Just don’t drink. Ordering wine on the Internet is not indicative of a sincere desire to stop drinking. Not drinking is.
I know you want gentle comments and support, but it is heartbreaking to read these posts where you are clearly planning on drinking at some point, today.
It almost seems as if you are addicted to the 1-3 day rollercoaster you’ve been blogging for three years.
Please, please, please seek treatment. Do something different. If you don’t want to drink, don’t drink.
It’s a lovely sunny afternoon, so get out for a walk and this wI’ll gI’ve you a boost. Think I won’t drink until after tea. Then after tea, think I won’t drink until later, then have a bath and an early night and just DONT have that first drink !! Break the day up into managable portions.. Make sure you treat yourself and hubby too… put your “wine” money away in a tin and when you’ve built up enough have a nice meal or a date night. You can do it Annie x
Please don’t drink, Annie, push through it! If you can just push through the cravings they DO subside. And the sadness will lift but just sit with it until it does. It’s okay to be a bit blue, no need to inject anything into you to fix it. Let your therapist help with the drinking and the blues. You can’t do this alone.
Hi Annie,
I’m back on day 1 too. And like you, am so tired of it all. I think walking on sunshine has such a valid point about gaining clarity once you are sober. The more this goes on for both of us, the more difficult it gets. Going round in circles is soul destroying. It has to stop. Lets make it stop, Annie. Sending love and sober thoughts, Gemma xx
Dear Annie, it must be very hard for him to watch you yo-yo between the desire to drink n then give up, however that’s where the “for better or for worse” comes in. In a way I envy that at least you could talk to him about ur drinking, I could never share like that with my hubby. Hang in there, “this too will pass”
Oh Annie, I so feel for you I really do. I get your blog posts via email so don’t often comment but I read every one.
I have to say though, your hubby is a total saint. I cant imagine a man with so much patience and thoughtfulness. I’ve never met a decent guy yet who would put up with my drinking and obsessing about it that’s for sure!
But Annie, this is where you are getting into ‘ruining your life’ territory. Remember the folks at AA?, the ones who have lost their partners, kids, home, job? Most of us can’t identify with that or them, but that is the path for all of us if we don’t rein this demon in. I know its hard darlin’ and I know you only respond to gentle comments but you seem like a lovely caring and thoughtful lady – so imagine what hubby is going through. You will lose him if you don’t sort this thing out.
OK, step back, look at what’s worked and what hasn’t. Think about a rehab – I know, I know. But you are fighting for your life as you know it here. Do whatever it takes.
Lots of love, good thoughts and hope you and yours come through this xxx
You can never work through an obsession. It is a mental illness. This is something that requires professional help.
You cannot see yourself. Please ask for real help. You are clearly suffering .