I feel really sad this afternoon. I had a crazy morning, ordering wine on the Internet, then cancelling it. Talking to my husband later, I tried to suggest my usual moderation plan – not drinking in the week. He pointed out that this has not worked for a long time, and he spoke about the ‘dream drink’ in my mind, that drink which I imagine having in a ‘dream’ situation. He said he can’t imagine my ever reaching that point again, that I was too far gone for that. It made me feel incredibly sad, although I know he’s right.
Then, he said that he didn’t feel so close to me anymore, that my obsession with drinking and trying to stop drinking has taken over.
It is so very painful. I know that I probably have been consumed with thoughts about all this, and that it must distract me from caring about him, and being a good wife and mother. But I also feel that I have to go through this process, that I have to work through my obsession and understand it better, if I am to gain any sort of clarity.
But I hate the thought that I may have been distant, or preoccupied, and that he feels removed from me in any way.
So, nearing the afternoon of Day 2, sad and lonely, and feeling kind of empty inside.