I have got up early to write, and to reread your kind and wise comments from yesterday.
The Ball was a success, and I enjoyed parts of it; but Anne was right when she questioned why I keep putting myself in these difficult situations where drinking is so much the central activity. I had some wine at dinner, though I avoided the champagne at the start, and came away from the evening glad that I hadn’t got drunk, but sad that I couldn’t say it was my sobriety date. It is perhaps foolish to get stuck on this idea of a day one, but when I hear people announce their sober dates at meetings, or in blogs, I am always envious, so I feel it’s important to me.
On arrival last night, my heart sank when we were greeted with trays of champagne and not an alcohol-free drink in sight – despite my having asked in advance what the AF option would be. But my lovely husband went and found me some sparkling elderflower alternative, and that helped me in the early stages of the evening. I am annoyed with myself that I succumbed to the wine at dinner, and I hated the taste of it, but I was grateful not to be tottering drunkenly round the marquee, as several people were, early on in the evening.
So, where am I? Well, I am a non-drinker, on Sunday morning, making tea for my husband and about to take it back upstairs to him with the paper. I may be naive thinking I can do this with a handful of AA meetings, my weekly counsellor appointments and my hopeful blog, but that’s what I’m doing at the moment, and I feel strong inside, and grateful for every opportunity to find my way to my new day one. I am leaving my drinking days behind me; the last sip during dinner last night tasted hollow, and I am not going back there.
18 thoughts on “Sunday morning”
Well done Annie! Glad the ball was a success. And I think you did really well at controlling your drinking at such a big event. It showed intent and a degree of discipline. You are developing the non-drinker muscles needed to resist temptation. I know you’re disappointed but I’m quite pleased for you. You can build from here.
Use this to build momentum. Today is your Day 1 and you can resolve to get all the help you need to get you through the white knuckle days and weeks ahead.
IMO the days don’t really matter. I’m on Day 79 today and I’m only counting because I want to get to Day 100 and start to lose weight as Sober Mummy says could start to happen. The only day that matters is today! Live in the present but with hope and faith in a happy non drinker future.
I am feeling SO much better since I stopped. You will too!
Happy Sunday! XXXX
Don’t count on weight loss. But notice all the other ways you feel better. Are your eyes whiter? Is you skin clearer. Do you smile more.
Those are what count! Weight is just a number…
I do look much better – very noticeable first thing in the morning lol! The reason I have not lost weight is because I have been eating far too much cake! I’ve just given myself a free pass over the winter and during my stopping drinking early phase. I just need to stop being greedy and I will be fine. I do like to be able to fit into my clothes…..
I hope you are coping ok with all the upheaval from those terrible fires?Awful. I really need my home base and would find this one of the worst things.
It has been very chaotic.
I’m creating a new home base for that exact reason. We will stay in calgary until the end of July at least…
It took craig and I about 2 years before we could consider letting go of the cake and chocolate.
Just keep noticing how good you feel. How great you are doing. All you have accomplished. And everything else will follow.
Pleased the evening went well. Just be extra aware that your addict brain will use this occasion to try and convince you that you can control your drinking.
You mentioned in an earlier post about ordering wine from the Internet – when I was getting sober I ordered dozens of posh n/a drinks from the Internet, all in little individual bottles, from a health food company. (I think it was Real Foods). I would always keep some chilled, and have one BEFORE the cravings started every evening. I felt I was getting my sophisticated adult drink, my treat, my “wind down after work” time. Luscombe drinks do a rather nice Sicilian Lime Crush – I got very possessive about it! After 3 or 4 months I didn’t need that ritual any more, it just dwindled away, along with the obsession of poring over blogs, etc.
Be prepared – don’t wait until you are fighting the cravings.
Oooh. I’m off to google. X
Hi Annie, I relate 100% to your evening last night. I know you will get there, AA calls going out there and drinking doing “more research” remember the H.A.L.T (Hungry Angry Lonely Tired) if you are any of those things then just be extra vigilant when going out – I usually find getting some canapés down me before the big dinners helps! Lots of love and happy sunday xxxxxx
Well done for not getting drunk Annie. That’s a step in the right direction! Hold onto that feeling that you didn’t like the taste of the wine. What I like about your post this morning is that you sound like you’ve taken that huge pressure off yourself. That in itself will help you get into the right mindset I think. I think if you aren’t ready to quit yet, just do the best you can do. It’s still progress. Try to avoid high stress situations 🙂 Hope you have a good day today xxx
You’re taking tea to your husband after a big night out. How many times has that happened? I think you did brilliantly and have started to build a foundation to work on. Big Hugs xx
Well done Annie 😊
Agree with what everyone else has already said. Happy Day 1.
Annie today is a great day 1 because you are not hung over. The hair of the dog often changes your mind by wine o’clock so you are working from flexing the sober muscle as well as not being hung over. Both are good things for a successful day 1. You can do this!
You did well. Celebrate the successes and don’t beat yourself up with regrets of the past. Last night is now in the books and you can focus on today. I am so happy for you that your husband is helping you. Good that you are being kind to him…and be sure to be kind to you!! Self compassion and sober treats can make the early days easier to get through as you build momentum. Big hugs! 🙂
I agree with walkingonsunshine: as soon as I stopped obsessing about what ‘day’ I was on, it became much easier to just not drink. I have a calendar that shows when I last drank, and I just leave it at that. It’s taken a huge amount of pressure off myself to ‘be perfect’ and never mess up. [Buyer beware, I think this could be a slippery slope for some people, but it’s working for me…]
I also remember one of my final drinks so well. I had had a rough day and I came home and poured myself a huge glass of wine. At this point, I’d started reading a few sober books and was really questioning what the alcohol was actually doing for me (i.e. what enhancements was it actually providing?). I remember drinking that glass of wine so vividly because it tasted AWFUL! It tasted so bitter! And it was in that moment that I realized that my love for the taste of wine was only happening because the alcohol was numbing my sense of taste, allowing me to drink more and more of a fluid that didn’t even taste good. It sounds like you had the same moment last night at the ball that I experienced. 🙂
Good luck Annie!
People only know their day one long after it occurs.
I never expected mine to be the day it was.
Romanticize get dates and making grand plans is a risky proposition. Like going to the ball, they set you up for disappointment.
Consider som intensive treatment. Outpatient therapy. A beautiful, health based treatment centre. They exist. I looked hard at going to one. I would still go if I think I need to.
You can do this, but it does need to be everything right now. It is that vital.
I agree with this one hundred percent. Planning is not doing. You cannot think or plan your way out of an addiction. I know you recognize you are unhappy but I don’t think you recognize that you are in serious trouble, life-threatening trouble. For me getting sober has never seemed like one of those wonderful self-improvement journeys (Eat, Pray, Love type stuff). And though lots of positive things have happened to me because I got sober, the fight to get there always felt, and often still feels, like a fight for survival — one where you do whatever you need to do to get away from the very big thing that is killing you. I think I’m going to write a longer post on this soon, but my theme song — or the performance that always summed up what I needed to do and feel to get free — and what I think you need to do and feel to get free — was the Talking Heads “Life During Wartime,” and I find myself wanting to scream it at you now, dear Annie: “This ain’t no party. This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no foolin’ around…”
Watch the performance and those of you out there who have made it through the early days of sobriety, let me know, do you resonate with that combination of panic and moment-by-moment reaction all geared at staying alive (keeping sober)? “Burn all your notebooks, what good are notebooks, they won’t help you survive.” Byrne was talking to me once, and now I think he’s talking to you Annie.
Takes me back! Loved Talking Heads back in the day and haven’t listened to them for ages.
What I felt was more to do with a huge urge to break free. The early days were hard but I felt I was getting away from something that was bad for me and I needed to get away from. At times it was hard to believe in myself and that I could reinvent myself as a non-drinker. But at the same time I felt this was something I needed and wanted to offer myself. It was a gift to myself. And I was and continue to be determined to have it. Nobody around me thinks I have a problem or understands my need to stop.
It is hard for me to differentiate my drinking and stopping drinking with the onset of menopause I’ve just turned 55). Over a week earlier this year, I felt my inner life turn a page. I was in a new chapter. Part of it was the physical symptoms which I suspected (correctly as was borne out) were being exacerbated by my wine habit. Mostly it was a new awareness that life was finite, and that the booze was beginning to make my life so much smaller, narrower, limited. I wanted to appreciate what was left of my life “in the raw”. I wanted to be healthy enough to take advantage of the opportunities life still had to offer. All of a sudden the booze felt like a straitjacket. It was heavy. I wanted to take it off. This suddenly felt urgent.
So I stopped. Now on Day 79. It’s been hard at times. Very tired and headachy in the first few weeks. Huge inclination to change my mind around days 55-65. But my menopause symptoms have eased a lot. And I feel light and free and ready for what the rest of my life has to offer..
I hope this helps haplesshomsteaders. I love your blog!