Yesterday’s session with the counsellor was all about acceptance, essentially my accepting that I have a drinking problem and that the only way through it is to stop drinking. It may seem obvious to you – and it is obvious to me too, but the denial is intense, and my wriggling out of a sober existence is part of my difficulty in getting sober. And I’m not the first alcoholic to find it difficult. The counsellor said I was making progress, because I discuss the conflicts with him, and it helps me to explore why I try and deny what is so obvious to everyone else.
It’s about acceptance.
I understand comments on my blog which suggest I enjoy ‘public flailing’, but I don’t – I don’t enjoy it at all. I keep closing the blog because I have a knee-jerk reaction whenever I feel the addiction being pushed away, whenever I begin to find the strength to get sober – it overwhelms me, and I get really frightened. The blog reminds me of my failings, and its stretching back, with its day after day of sober attempts is pitiful, I know; but it is also a record – for me – of my path, and I am glad it’s here.
I am going to a meeting today – I have to go to at least 3 meetings a week – and my husband is giving up drinking too (he said, for 3 months) to help me.
Walkingonsunshine (wish I was!) yesterday commented that it is hard for me to change things – that I need to keep things the same at home, and that makes it hard for me to add sobriety to that life; this comment really resonated with me. I do put a lot of pressure on myself to keep up the ‘perfect’-looking life, where I’m a good wife, mother, daughter, blogger – when what I need to do is make sobriety the absolute priority.