Tiny tiny progress, mostly of the mental kind, as I still struggle to get past day one, but I am moving forwards nevertheless. The meeting on Wednesday was a turning point: the lady I was sitting next to talked to me at the end, gave me her number and said she would help me. I am phoning her today at 1pm. While I have always had the feeling that help is at hand in AA if I want it,she is the first person to reach out in a practical sense. Others have suggested I ring them, but I have felt too nervous to do so, worried I might disturb them.
I still teeter on the brink of insanity – or at least it feels like that. For the past few days, I’ve been drinking in the evenings, and I haven’t even wanted to. I have hated the taste, I have barely been able to drink it – sounds mad, I know, but it is almost as though I am forcing myself to feel really dreadful. I reread Haplesshomsteaders post in which she says you have to stop drinking in order to get sober. It sounds obvious, but it’s the very fact that I haven’t stopped drinking, and that my drinking has escalated, that has prevented my getting to a better place.
What I’m writing sounds mad.
But I have felt kind of mad the past few days. At the same time, I feel positive that I am very nearly there. Watch this space: good things are starting to happen.