Tiny tiny progress, mostly of the mental kind, as I still struggle to get past day one, but I am moving forwards nevertheless. The meeting on Wednesday was a turning point: the lady I was sitting next to talked to me at the end, gave me her number and said she would help me. I am phoning her today at 1pm. While I have always had the feeling that help is at hand in AA if I want it,she is the first person to reach out in a practical sense. Others have suggested I ring them, but I have felt too nervous to do so, worried I might disturb them.
I still teeter on the brink of insanity – or at least it feels like that. For the past few days, I’ve been drinking in the evenings, and I haven’t even wanted to. I have hated the taste, I have barely been able to drink it – sounds mad, I know, but it is almost as though I am forcing myself to feel really dreadful. I reread Haplesshomsteaders post in which she says you have to stop drinking in order to get sober. It sounds obvious, but it’s the very fact that I haven’t stopped drinking, and that my drinking has escalated, that has prevented my getting to a better place.
What I’m writing sounds mad.
But I have felt kind of mad the past few days. At the same time, I feel positive that I am very nearly there. Watch this space: good things are starting to happen.
A Dappled Path 
It doesn’t sound mad at all Annie. Annie Grace talks about the phenomenon of craving alcohol yet not even enjoying it in her book (I think you mentioned you’ve got it/read it?) and it being related to having changed one’s brain chemistry through repeated exposure: the dopamine system has become hypersensitive and produces craving for alcohol separately from liking it, which in turn produces compulsive drug-seeking behaviour even if the expectations of the pleasure it will produce are diminished. This certainly used to happen to me and I thought I was going mad! Some research points to the fact that once this change has occurred the hypersensitive response is always there, and even if we are abstinent for a long time it will resurface if we drink again. This would explain why for many of us moderation is not an option. X
I can relate to this too….used to say I drank because I liked the taste blah blah,,but in the end it was because I was driven to and it tasted horrid…but that is useful to me, had I enjoyed my last days of drinking perhaps I would have a rosier view and be more tempted to relapse…don’t ever want to feel like that again, I wrote down how it felt, you have your blog to look back on..10 weeks sober today…it can be done,,,dig deep, reaching out is the best thing you will ever do….
You are making progress! And the realisation of your (temporary!) madness is a good sign. I like aversion therapy so keep a clear record of how you don’t like the taste/the whole ritual to help you stay stopped once you have stopped. I use that and I also found it very effective when I stopped smoking many years ago now.
Hope it goes well with your AA “colleague” and that she turns out to be a real support.
Keep up the momentum. Two steps forward, one step back is still forward motion.
Friday night…. Have a plan. Someone told me today that Sainsbury’s have a very nice non alcoholic champagne; think I might try it. XXXX
You know, Annie, a lot of early sobriety is a waiting game. You wait for the urges and craving to pass. You wait to feel better, You wait for that first good night’s sleep. You wait for the first morning when you wake up refreshed and renewed. You wait for the moment when you know you never want to drink again.
If you can remember that if you just wait, things will change, it isn’t so overwhelming. Of course, there are always things you can do to make the waiting period easier, Distract yourself. Talk with someone about your feelings, Go to meetings. Go for long walks. Just keep going and waiting for the miracles.
Annie I know you will make it. Get a sponsor and do the steps (says I who has not done th steps!) all you need are one or two AA sages to turn to in times of need – remember they were day one once too xxx
Hi Annie, I am glad you are feeling positive. Hopefully the madness will pass and you can come out the other side a happy, sober person. You can do this. A x
I’m reading, Annie! So great to read your post!!
I hope very nearly there is a safe place. I worry for you-for your safety, your health.
Seriously consider seeking out a treatment program. Maybe that’s the next step towards sobriety. Help stopping.
Please take care.
Anne
I’m so pleased you have found real life support, Annie. It seems like you have started attending again at a crucial time. Often daily meetings are required in the first instance – it may seem a lot, but it is certainly achievable. It would only be for about 3 months of your life, which is not a lot in the bigger picture of things. After all, you have been sharing your personal hell with us for the last 18 months.
Wishing you strength and commitment. Trish xx