It will be no surprise to you – and it’s no surprise to me – that things have not improved. I haven’t been able to drink sensibly, and the days are going by in a mixture of haziness and a kind of frantic busy-ness. Tomorrow I’ll start…after the holiday I’ll get sober…some day soon I’ll really attend to my health…I must stop drinking and I must stop now…These thoughts go round and round on a perpetual conveyor belt in my mind, dishing out promises daily.
I stopped reaching out, and turned in on myself. It is a horrible, lonely place to be.
Meanwhile, I am tired all the time, struggling to get through the days, paranoid and unproductive.
My friend from AA has texted me every few days. She is a blessing. I have read my favourite sober blogs regularly, but I haven’t been able to comment. I feel as though I have disappeared.
But all is not lost. Today I feel ready to nurture a kernel of hope, and I am writing here in order to tell you, and to tell myself, that I am still listening.