I am sorry I keep closing my blog. I get fearful – and hide. It’s so stupid of me. I am sorry if you have been worried about me.
Today, I am writing a list of why I am stopping drinking – Sober Mummy suggested I do this, and I like the idea. I am sure there are other lists on my blog, but long ago, and I need to ignite enthusiasm for my quest. So, here goes, just as the ideas occur to me (so not in order of importance):
* my drinking has been getting worse, and I cannot moderate.
* I am not being the best mother possible. I don’t listen to my children.
* I feel really unhealthy: I have aches in my lower back, and down my left shoulder. I have put on about a stone in weight and hardly do any exercise any more.
* I wake every morning at 5.30am and feel guilty. This morning, I woke at 4.30am.
* Evenings are terrible: I slump and do nothing of worth; I can’t relax.
* I sleep badly and don’t feel rested, ever.
* I haven’t finished reading a book for months.
* I argue with my husband, and I start the arguments.
* I don’t cook proper meals, and late at night I eat rubbish.
* I feel generally low and sad.
* I am paranoid about what people think of me. I worry about what I’ve said and done.
* I am resentful about friends and relations who I think have done me harm (and mostly, they haven’t).
* My drinking has escalated, so that I now need much more and seek out stronger stuff.
* I think about drinking, rather than thinking about more fruitful things.
* I have this strange pins and needles sensation in my hands when I wake.
* My skin is lacklustre, my eyes not bright.
* I feel as though I need to drink to make sense of my day.
* I am wasting my life, and these precious years with my family.
* I am not being my best self.
* I know there is a better way on the other side. I want to get to the field of bunnies (Sober Mummy’s…not Heaven, yet…)
So today, I stop.