A list

I am sorry I keep closing my blog. I get fearful – and hide. It’s so stupid of me. I am sorry if you have been worried about me.

Today, I am writing a list of why I am stopping drinking – Sober Mummy suggested I do this, and I like the idea. I am sure there are other lists on my blog, but long ago, and  I need to ignite enthusiasm for my quest. So, here goes, just as the ideas occur to me (so not in order of importance):

* my drinking has been getting worse, and I cannot moderate.

* I am not being the best mother possible. I don’t listen to my children.

* I feel really unhealthy: I have aches in my lower back, and down my left shoulder. I have put on about a stone in weight and hardly do any exercise any more.

* I wake every morning at 5.30am and feel guilty. This morning, I woke at 4.30am.

* Evenings are terrible: I slump and do nothing of worth; I can’t relax.

* I sleep badly and don’t feel rested, ever.

* I haven’t finished reading a book for months.

* I argue with my husband, and I start the arguments.

* I don’t cook proper meals, and late at night I eat rubbish.

* I feel generally low and sad.

* I am paranoid about what people think of me.  I worry about what I’ve said and done.

* I am resentful about friends and relations who I think have done me harm (and mostly, they haven’t).

* My drinking has escalated, so that I now need much more and seek out stronger stuff.

* I think about drinking, rather than thinking about more fruitful things.

* I have this strange pins and needles sensation in my hands when I wake.

* My skin is lacklustre, my eyes not bright.

* I feel as though I need to drink to make sense of my day.

* I am wasting my life, and these precious years with my family.

* I am not being my best self.

* I know there is a better way on the other side. I want to get to the field of bunnies (Sober Mummy’s…not Heaven, yet…)

So today, I stop.

love

Annie x

 

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15 thoughts on “A list”

  1. That’s a great list. It’s never too late to change. You may have had a bad start but you have the choice to make the ending a fantastic one.

    1. Thanks. Every day that goes by, I feel the element of choice slipping away from me, and I so want to be able to choose…I know I need to act. Annie x

  2. Hi Annie. That’s a very honest list. Keep referring to it in the days and weeks ahead. The good news is you can reverse everything on that list if you don’t pick up a drink today, and do the same tomorrow.

  3. Glad you are back in blogland! Everyone is right: you can stop right here, right now, and it will start getting better. Quitting is hard but worth it. Hugs.

  4. Your list is almost identical to mine. Add memory issues and day-long resentment for living, and voila. Today? The list is gone, erased, non-existent. And? It started erasing itself bit by bit only after about one week. You can do a week, Annie. You can. Set small markers. Try not to focus on the big picture, but just what you can do today or this minute. Because you can. You can do this. Believe in yourself. Love, -HM.

  5. Big hug, Annie. Glad you came back to us. You were the first person to comment on my blog and it meant a lot to me. Never be embarassed, no matter how long your struggle takes. Blogging helps, don’t shut it out. It’s good for the soul.

    1. I’ve just been reading your blog. My first comment on it seems a long time ago – and you’ve been sober all that time. WELL DONE! Annie x

  6. As well as this list it might be useful to compile a list of your triggers and what your plan is to overcome them. Eg if you trigger is a certain time your plan is to go to a meeting then or sign up to an exercise class or if your trigger is cooking then your plan could be to batch cook one morning so you can eat right away. Or whatever it is for you. This list should be dynamic so if something doesn’t work then think about why and change your response. You could also have a check lost of things you do when you have a craving before you drink. Eg eat something, have a bath, read something and so on. So your craving triggers those behaviours before it can trigger your drinking. Just some thoughts but you have covered the need to change you just need some propulsion to the stage where sobriety becomes it’s own reward. You can do it but not by just beating yourself up again and again. Good luck.

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