Again, I closed my blog for a while yesterday. I can’t seem to get through a day without doing this. I think I’d like to write a post later in the day as well, to help me through those hours. The cycle has become so entrenched, I know I need to get through a whole day sober, and then I will feel stronger.

Like clockwork every afternoon, my resolve weakens. Well, of course it does – I know how addiction works. Inside me though, I feel this real strength, and a strong desire to be sober. This has got to be stronger than the addiction for me to succeed.

I’ve been reading many other blogs recently. People are doing so well. The long-time sober ones sound full of strength and joy, and I want to be like them. And the newly sober ones sound so brave and amazing. My drinking is chipping away at my sanity, whittling a new, horrible identity.

9 thoughts on “Wednesday”

  1. Buy chocolate, non alcoholic beer, nuts, cake. Eat it all. Then take a bath filled with essential oil, Epsom salts and soak, download Audible and listen to pride and predujice, Emma, then go to sleep…. Do whatever it takes to not drink ❤️❤️❤️

  2. Good morning Annie. I hear your despair and it breaks my heart. It made me think of something. All the blogs you read that are success stories and make you feel bad were more often than not started after the person writing it had tried and failed a thousand times. But they did not write about that, what made it work for them was starting a blog. Even though they may write about all those failed attempts it is not the same thing as going through and writing about them in ‘real time’ as you are. The now is raw and panicked, and most people can’t really describe the past like that. When you have been sober for a couple of months you start to forget just how much it kills your soul, that process that you are going through right now. Please don’t compare yourself to them. I’m thinking of you and cheering for you today.

  3. What’s happened to your counselling sessions Annie? Are you still going? And the three AA meetings a week? If you’ve lapsed, get started on them again. Even if you’re still drinking you have to go. Are you really serious about stopping? If so, get to your GP and get a plan in place with him/her. Imo you defo need medication to help you stop. You seem to have become so passive in the face of your addiction Annie. It’s overwhelming you. And this can only get worse. Please get more help. I’m so worried about you. Big hug. X

  4. Hi Annie, I would second the advice to see your GP (as long as they are kind – if not, find one who is!) I had a few Valium to see me through the first few days which took the edge off the agitation… Also, you have identified when in he day the resolve weakens – do something different at that time – even if it means getting some help in to manage the kids for a couple of weeks – go for a walk / swimming; baking, make complex delicious mocktails – anything to change the pattern. You CAN do this Annie… Right behind you.. Lily x🌷

  5. Annie,
    Walkingonsunshine and Lily offered good advice.
    I know that you have turned the idea of rehab down before but what is the minimum amount of time that you can spend in rehab? Two weeks? If I understand correctly, it’s your time off work (school being closed). This is your time to get off the drinking merry-go-round. Trying to be sober alone is a gargantuan task. It’s not about being strong/weak but having the right help. A compassionate GP is a good start. x

  6. Hi Annie. It’s early days for me. Day 17 with one minor hiccup last weekend. I have struggled just like you. What helped me this time around besides reading wonderful blogs and recovery books was listening to The Bubble Hour. There is an episode on ‘contemplation’ that struck a chord before I quit. I was there and I think you probably are too. Also Kelly’s story about getting sober and Robin’s among others. When the witching hour strikes I highly recommend you listen to an episode.
    Good luck! I am cheering you on.

  7. Annie, I agree with the above comments. You have got to get professional help. Reading blogs and books are not doing it for you. Until you break this horrible pattern nothing will change for you- except that you will continue to go deeper and deeper down into this horrible hole you are digging yourself- a grave maybe? You are not only putting yourself at risk but you are damaging your family. Your husband may be choosing to stay with you, but what about your children? They have no choice and have to put complete trust in you- I also agree with going to a rehab place- if only to give you time away from your everyday environment and to somehow come to grips with your situation. This may come across as harsh but I will not apologize for that. You do have a choice here as hard as that may seem. I’m so sad for you- you are living in such a hell- but one with a way out. Please take those steps. Get some help and stick with it.

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