A nutritionist friend recently contacted me, and I went to see her yesterday. This has given me a real boost. I am going to do a nutrition test, and the results will then form the basis of a health programme, with vitamins and other necessary supplements.  My body has taken a battering in recent months, and I feel pretty terrible. I’ve also put on masses of weight, and feel completely unfit. YUCK.

I always like a plan, and the last few months, work aside, have seen me drifting. Today, I feel determined for the first time in days: determined to look after myself better.

Of course, underlying it all is the drink, the wretched drink. That has to go if I’m to have a hope of dealing with any underlying health issues. My family holiday is very soon, and I have been negotiating with myself about whether it is possible to have an alcohol-free time away. Well, of course it is possible – the question is, can I do it? We are going to a completely new place, so there are no old memories of drinking (the past few years, we have been to the same location, with all the old memories keeping me stuck in bad patterns);  I have the opportunity to reinvent myself on holiday, and really experience it. In one of the latest Bubble Hour episodes, the speaker talks of going on holiday only a few days into sobriety; she walks along the boardwalk in the evening, almost crippled by the amount of alcohol and people drinking everywhere.  She describes feeling dizzy, and is desperate to find some fizzy water.  She gets through it, and the next morning walks out onto the beach before the rest of her family get up. She is suddenly aware of the vibrant life around her: people windsurfing, walking their dogs…people living; and she realises that there is a whole new life for her here, one she has never noticed before. I am paraphrasing, but do go and listen to it – it’s a powerful episode.

Again, I am sorry I have been so erratic about my blog. My closing and opening of it is part of the trouble I am in, part of my difficulty. But I do so like writing here, telling you stuff. It helps.

17 thoughts on “Wading”

  1. The nutritionist plan sounds good. I am also interested in taking care of myself and putting the best foods in my body. It just makes you feel better. Weight loss, well that’s a whole other issue!
    I just came back from our holiday, seven weeks in to sobriety. It was hard but like you say waking up in the morning to the vibrancy of life around me was so much better sober than suffering a hangover. Plus I got to stay up longer enjoying the sunsets whilst my hubby fell asleep on the couch with his wine glass spilling its contents on to his shorts!!

  2. So glad you are back Annie. Really appreciated your comments about the vacation. I am going away in a few weeks and worry about being able to stay sober but I so want that eearly morning experience esp since my daughter is looking forward to early morning walks together this year. Today I woke up super early and got so much done and I feel so accomplished and it’s only 615 am by me. Wish I could hold on to this feeling at night as the sun goes down….

  3. What would it take Annie, for the holiday to be sober? Would your husband agree not to drink (at east n from to you) What else would you need to do ? A new environment could offer the opportunity to break habits, but ideally you would go with a period of sobriety already under your belt….

    There IS a whole new life out there Annie, one free form the anxiety and guilt and shame about alcohol. You can get there, just take it one day at a time.. Hugs Annie. Lily x

  4. First night of a holiday for me right now. We’re staying on a farm tonight and everyone was cosy with red wine in front of the fire, but I filled my wine glass with apple juice, enjoyed every mouthful of my roast lamb for dinner and focused on the lovely conversations with people I haven’t seen for ages. I was fine. Better than fine – I had a lovely evening.

  5. I find this post very strange, Annie. Your addiction is a HUGE problem and yet you’re off seeing a nutritionist and wondering about spending the holiday sober? Denial.

    This is tinkering round the edges. Fiddling while Rome burns. Whatever.

    Until yesterday I had not seen your posts for a couple of weeks because every time I tried to check in you’d closed it. And the new blog you started seemed to close after less than a day – presumably around 4pm. And I’m totally confused. No more mention of the addiction counsellor, the three AA meetings you undertook to attend every week. your husband stopping drinking for three months to help you. What’s going on with you? I do not understand.

    But this post indicates to me you’re in La La Land. Sorry to sound tough but I think you’re playing with us all. And I’m a bit fed up with it.

  6. Honestly, unless you are going to be honest with the nutritionist snout your drinking problem I think it is a dangerous plan.
    Food Rules and restriction are the last thing you need.

    You need to quit drinking. Vitamins and dietary changes are meaningless until you do that.

    Can you be honest with her?

  7. Annie,
    We all know how hard it is but now you have to move beyond that. You talk about and around it but the one thing that is needed for sobriety: STOP DRINKING you have avoided. You have not followed through with pretty much anything you have wrote about. Blogs, podcasts, sober books, meetings, nutritionist are a great help for maintaining and supplementing your sobriety but unless you stop drinking it’s futile.
    I think it would help you greatly if you stop vacillating: open blog, close blog, make appointment with counsellor and then cancel, get rid of the the alcohol in the house then order more online…. sometimes you do this several or up a dozen times a day according to what you write.
    You have a full blown addiction to alcohol that is having a huge impact in all aspects of your life. Get off the runaway train, it will crash.
    You are avoiding the inevitable. Your ideas have to move beyond your thoughts and into action and change.
    Rehab is not as scary as what’s happening to you now. You need to be in a place where you have NO ACCESS to alcohol until you pass the very early part of your sobriety.
    with hope

  8. I agree with the above posts. The nutritionist is a form of denial. i too went through all kinds of “health” regimes to avoid having to give up booze. I was hoping to improve myself so much that I could still drink. This is what you are doing. Your health will improve when you quit drinking. Your life will improve. If your friend is a good nutritionist and you are honest with her, she will tell you that.

    Changes in location will not be the magic wand you need to reinvent yourself. You don’t need to “reinvent” yourself, you need to put down the bottle.

    There is no magic answer, no magic strategy that works …..just not drinking. All the sober strategies are there to make experience a little easier. But the only action that works, is not an action at all….it’s not drinking.

  9. Annie, I wasn’t going to add to the stuff above but all this soft crap is just that……………..crap. You can’t get drunk if you don’t drink, so don’t pour it down your throat. There is no way around it, counsellors, nutritionists, Jason Vale, us, all meaningless unless you actually don’t drink. It is bloody hard but the only thing that works is creating some alcohol free space – not drinking for several consecutive days and then you can start thinking about all the soft shit. I am just over 6 months down this road now. At first, I ate what I liked, lots of chocolate, bread, whatever – I just didn’t drink. The first week, I was away from home on a course, in January, on my own and I basically just locked myself away in the evenings. I think you have a real addiction problem here. I am not dismissing some of the other bloggers here, who have problems with alcohol but you, my friend are exhibiting all the symptoms of somebody heading for an irreversible disaster and I think you need proper help from the NHS with a GP sitting on your shoulder and regular contact with an alcohol dependancy nurse. I am sorry to be blunt but you are starting to look like someone close to me who went through this, lost their job and family and eventually their life at the age of 54…………sorry but there it is. Please be brave and do something really positive, now, before it is too late.


  10. Annie – there’s something I want you to know.

    I happened upon your blog when looking for inspiration to have a break from my incessant and debilitating boozing. I’ve read it from start to finish, and I now check it every day.

    The thing I want you to know is that reading your blog inspired me to start a 60 day alcohol free period to raise money for charity. I couldn’t find any other incentive to do it – doing it just for me wasn’t enough – and once somebody donated money I was committed.

    I’m now on day 52 – the longest I’ve been without alcohol since I was a child! This may be of no meaning to you, but your blog really was pivotal in inspiring me to do this.

    So there you go. Just for your info!

  11. Annie, I agree – again- with all of the above comments. You should be checking into rehab not going on vacation. I am certainly no therapist, but I think you have much more than a serious problem. You are doing everything and anything except what you need to do-stop drinking. I too feel that many people are too soft in their responses and in many ways that enables you. Again, I will not apologize for saying this- but I’m afraid that you are headed for a serious disaster- and unfortunately maybe that’s what it will take. When you are serious, you will get yourself in gear and see alcohol counsellors, doctors and go to meetings.. Not nutritionists, not fortune tellers- not books and not blogs. You are not honest- with yourself, with us, and probably not with any doctor. Please take those steps- the sooner you do the sooner that first real step will be behind you. And hopefully it can be before you do irreparable damage to you family.

  12. I hope the nutrition test is just an aside, Annie, because the main thing, the absolute most important thing, is quitting the booze. Your posts have a worrying tone, and I feel more and more uneasy about your situation. Find someone who will help you face up to the problem, don’t be distracted by peripheral things which may (erroneously) provide any answer other than ‘don’t drink’.

  13. Hi Annie,
    I recently bought a book called the 30 Day Sobriety Solution and it is really helping me. There are activities you do every day, and they recommend journaling. There is an option to do it in 30, 60 or 90 days. I am doing the 60 day version because the activities take some time and thought. I actually wish I had chosen the 90 day option! It was written by Jack Canfield and Dave Andrews and there is a companion website with forums, etc. It might be worth a look.
    Hope this helps. Sending positive thoughts your way.

  14. Good luck at your holiday and with your family. I have a similar trip coming up at the end of the month. There’s some awkward things I need to bring up too. Kind of dreading it. Kind of excited it will be over soon.

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