Thank you for all your comments yesterday. I understand that some of you are frustrated with me, and I am sorry about that. I do not always write about every method I am trying to help me get sober: the AA meetings, the counsellor, the email correspondences, the phone calls…as I delve deeper into why I drink and how I can stop, the personal investigations get harder to describe, and though I try and be honest here, I cannot reveal all. The nutrition route is only one of several tools I am using.
Ah, the blog! I have such mixed feelings about it! It can make me feel exposed and protected at the same time. Sometimes, people’s comments make me cry. This is not a bad thing, but it is a bit like being told off – it is never easy to accept and face it. I don’t feel that people who comment here are enablers; and I see the tough love comments as coming from a place where people care about me and want me to succeed. But they are still hard to read, and I went to bed last night feeling battered. It’s my own fault – I know I appear to have made no progress, but I never started this blog to create a perfect journey story, but rather to record the path, and try to find my way.
I read many sober blogs. I find both long term sobriety stories and early days ones equally helpful and inspiring.
I think what I’m trying to say is: I will keep trying, I will keep writing, I will keep reading. And I thank you all for being here, and for reading what I write, and for taking time to comment; every single person who reads and writes here helps me.
A Dappled Path 
Hi Annie, so glad you’re back! Last time we spoke I was doing really well, guess what? Back to square one, weight back, skin dreadful, aches and pains everywhere, could cry this morning that I’ve allowed myself to go backwards, my point is you’re not alone! Day 1 again, one day at a time, let’s do this xx
Annie, I appreciate you’re trying. But you’ve been doing this for a very long time, way too long. And it’s not working.
As I’ve said before, this is not a sober blog. It is a drinking blog. I can’t keep track of it either. It’s doing my head in trying to make sense of what you write. And more importantly, what you don’t write.
I’m going to take a break because it is upsetting me. I hope when I return, you will be a non-drinker. I wish you well.
Dearest Annie, I know I’ve said this before, but when you say ‘I will keep trying’ I know it won’t work as you are already envisioning failure. You have to say ‘I have done it. I am sober. I am a non drinker’ and then – and this is the key – NOT DRINK.
If you can’t manage to do that by yourself (and there’s no shame in that) then put yourself in the hands of a rehab centre and let them do it for you. Enough already.
Hi Annie, I also wonder whether the ‘why’ of your drinking is relevant at this point. You know you drink, you don’t want to drink, and so the answer is stopping, not trying to find out why. All the confusion and going around in circles, even the underlying health problems you mentioned, will all fall away and/or become easier to handle once you commit to sobriety. Let all your supports help you, don’t fight them xx
Hi Annie, I really feel for you, and I think you at extremely brave continuing to blog in the face of some blunt comments. I kno they come from a place of concern, but it must be hard to read. I’m going to add my personal and professional voice to the rehab option. I know it’s scary, but looking from the outside, the alternatives are much scarier… Please read this https://alcoholfree2016.com/2016/06/21/the-grip-of-alcoholism/, it’s true Annie, and all it takes for the nightmare to start is a call from school, or a neighbour or friend to raise the issue…
I don’t mean to scare you Annie, but 6 weeks in rehab is a VERY small investment in terms of time and money, to save what is most important to you – your family, your children and your health
Please think about it in a different frame of mind
Very best wishes
Lily 🌷 Xx
Dear Annie, I don’t feel frustration with you – I feel an increasing sense of concern . The nutritionist, etc, seem to me as if you are searching round for the magic ingredient that will make you view yourself and your drinking differently and allow you to “become sober”. But there is no magic formula. Most of us had to cocoon ourselves away, forgo social occasions etc, and only fully re-engage with the drinking world once we felt absolutely secure in our sobriety, and only then did we fully enjoy life, so,so much more than when drinking. My earlier comments to you now seem like mere hints and tips, meanwhile you are still carrying on life as before. You identify with the few who have “just stopped” and believe you can emulate them, if only you had a shift in attitude. I have no doubt you are trying other tools as well, however being out and about in a world awash with booze is not working for you. Hugs xx
Are you on Day 2 or Day 1?
I want to place my vote for rehab too. I think I’m probably the first one here who will use the D word but Annie, I’m afraid you are going to die from alcoholism. I don’t know you personally but over the years I’ve grown fond of you and your blog and I want you to beat alcoholism and to be safe and well. You seem like a lovely woman who has so much to live for. Drinking wine does nothing to help you live a full and sparkling life. Putting a separation between you and access to it would help you to detox and to build sober days again like you did back in 2014 when you had a stretch of 60 days.
Thank you for keeping your blog open yesterday. Your commenters have helped me in so many ways with my own struggle.
Yesterday I was able to see my teen nephews for 17 minutes. It was such a treat. I’m living with heavy guilt now because when they were younger I turned down spending time with them so I could sit at home alone and drink. Drinking is so not worth it. Please take the time to stop and savor the time you have with your three precious ones. They grow up so fast and when you drink, it seems as if they grow up more quickly.
With love and support XO
I am not a long time reader so it is easier for me to use encouraging terms with you. But I realise a lot of long term readers are frustrated and exprese that in their comments. I read them yesterday and it made me upset so I can only imagine how you felt. Not that what was said was cruel, it was just truth spoken boldly.
I guess I come from a different angle. I know from my own experience that nothing that anyone ever said to me was enough for me to change my ways. I had many people trying to help. For a few days it might work but then I always went back to my old ways. I hurt a lot of people. In the end the only one who could change me was me myself. When I wanted that bad enough I made the change. I sit here at 8 weeks sober and watch my own husband drinking his life away. I have tried nagging, crying, pleading all to no avail. My only option left is to pray for him. He is stubborn, just like me. I would do anything to make him change but only he can do that.
In your heart you already know what to do. It may take a crisis to bring that change about, I hope not but I know you have been trying for a long long time to quit and nothing has changed. Maybe you are a high functioning alcoholic but that will change. Eventually you won’t be able to continue that lie. Meanwhile inside your body is struggling to cope with the toxins you continue to consume. Like a ticking time bomb. Stopping drinking is the easy part, staying sober is hard. Only you can do it Annie.
Annie,
Glad to see your blog open, I’m haven’t posted before but I know a lot of people have been concerned about you. There’s a saying if nothing changes, nothing will change. I stopped drinking w/o rehab (not sure I was physically at the point where it was necessary) but had AA and a psychologist. I was still working pretty close to full time. After 8 months I realized it wasn’t enough, I was sober but still falling apart mentally. I had to go on sick leave and get additional help. I had to make recovery my full time job and for a time remove myself from an environment that wasn’t helpful to me. You might need such a break as well to be able to break the cycle. I read your list of why you want to stop drinking. I made a list too, but I thought it helped to phrase positively it in terms of what I gain when I’m sober (I stay healthy , safe, I get my full weekends because I’m not nursing a hangover, I get to keep my job, etc) I suggest revisiting the list, write down what you want to gain and then remind yourself that sobriety is the only way to get there. Some people hit multiple bottoms before getting to the full clarity of the truth that they can’t drink, but we only get so many chances. I’ve heard people in AA say I know I’ve got another drunk in me but I’m not sure I’ve got another recovery. Every drink we take makes it harder to get back to sobriety. Some of us have to make radical changes to get sober and that’s ok. Please give some serious consideration to a rehab program before it’s too late.
Annie, your recovery blog is one of the most interesting ones out there.Maybe because of the rawness of it, how frequently you go back to drinking after only a few days sober. It may be painful for others to read because it reflects the addictive voice in all of us so clearly. We all know the progressive nature of addictive behavior, and how life-and-death the consequences can be. The centerpiece of my recovery is “I don’t drink, no matter what.” The “what” is the addictive internal voice that says I can always rely on getting comfort and joy from drinking, and the external ups and downs, ins and outs of life. The why of my addictive behaviors is a lifelong exploration, and not something to figure out in order to stop.
I wish you peace, sanity, and an end to your suffering.
Annie a rehab program or even an outpatient rehab is going to get you out of this circular hell. In a few weeks you will be feeling so much better. There is help for you but you need to ask for it. You need to take this step, not only for yourself, but for your family. This is not fair to them, so if you cannot do it for yourself, do it for them. You are not weak because you cannot quit. This is beyond will power. You HAVE the strength to ask for real help. It is time Annie to take that step. Much love.
So pleased to find your blog back open this morning. After reading the harshness of a few comments yesterday it was no surprise to me that your blog was closed later in the day. A couple of the comments stung. I don’t think there is any advice left to give, it must all have been covered in comments over the last couple of years. I do want you to know that we are here with you, and people have gradually come to care about you as if they know you and that is why people are desperate to help.