Thank you for your kind comments yesterday. It is heartwarming to be welcomed back with such love – and I really appreciate all the support.
Day 2 today, the first day 2 in a long time. From my holiday onwards I drank, and haven’t been able to stop. Or perhaps haven’t wanted to stop. And this has been the issue which I have been thinking most about in the last month or so: I can only stop drinking if I want to stop drinking. So many times, I have made a commitment to give up drinking, only to trip over my good intentions days or even hours later. But slowly, I feel as though I’ve been wending my way to a place where I can no longer stand the thought of drinking. Any positive associations have long since leaked away, and the drinking has been almost completely mindless, ridiculous and habitual.
Everyone starts with a Day one, right? Or many day ones? And then a final day one? And perhaps you never know when that final one will be, but this time my resolution is accompanied by an acceptance that if I don’t stop drinking, I will never stop drinking, and I will be forever in this hellish, guilt-ridden loop.
I won’t regale with you with the various stories of my summer; suffice to say there were some low moments (eg. shouting at my patient, kind husband; starting arguments with my beautiful, trusting eldest daughter; generally feeling down and depressed, and unwell). But there have also been some wonderful times, when I have been able to reflect on what I am doing, and where I want to be, and to believe that I can get there.
On a practical level, I am going to meetings again, am in regular contact (many times daily) with my AA friend, am rereading the excellent ‘Living Sober’ (an AA book, but I’m sure you can get it outside AA – actually, I’m not sure about that) which has very good do-able advice on loads of things which help in these early days, and am blogging again – and am in touch with people who comment here, and who I’ve met through the blog. So I feel surrounded by support. And I am not going to let go.
Hour by hour, if necessary – that’s how I’m thinking about it. Looking further forward is futile for me, so I’m taking it slowly and carefully. Making a pledge to take it a day at a time.