Making a pledge

Thank you for your kind comments yesterday.  It is heartwarming to be welcomed back with such love – and I really appreciate all the support.

Day 2 today, the first day 2 in a long time.  From my holiday onwards I drank, and haven’t been able to stop.  Or perhaps haven’t wanted to stop.  And this has been the issue which I have been thinking most about in the last month or so:  I can only stop drinking if I want to stop drinking.  So many times, I have made a commitment to give up drinking, only to trip over my good intentions days or even hours later.  But slowly, I feel as though I’ve been wending my way to a place where I can no longer stand the thought of drinking. Any positive associations have long since leaked away, and the drinking has been almost completely mindless, ridiculous and habitual.

Everyone starts with a Day one, right? Or many day ones? And then a final day one? And perhaps you never know when that final one will be, but this time my resolution is accompanied by an acceptance that if I don’t stop drinking, I will never stop drinking, and I will be forever in this hellish, guilt-ridden loop.

I won’t regale with you with the various stories of my summer; suffice to say there were some low moments (eg. shouting at my patient, kind husband; starting arguments with my beautiful, trusting eldest daughter; generally feeling down and depressed, and unwell).  But there have also been some wonderful times, when I have been able to reflect on what I am doing, and where I want to be, and to believe that I can get there.

On a practical level, I am going to meetings again, am in regular contact (many times daily) with my AA friend, am rereading the excellent ‘Living Sober’ (an AA book, but I’m sure you can get it outside AA – actually, I’m not sure about that) which has very good do-able advice on loads of things which help in these early days, and am blogging again – and am in touch with people who comment here, and who I’ve met through the blog. So I feel surrounded by support.  And I am not going to let go.

Hour by hour, if necessary – that’s how I’m thinking about it.  Looking further forward is futile for me, so I’m taking it slowly and carefully. Making a pledge to take it a day at a time.

9 thoughts on “Making a pledge”

  1. Welcome back! All good thoughts and a virtual hug your way.

    As a point of protocol you can get Living Sober from Amazon – I have it on my Kindle.

  2. Sounds like a good plan! I am reading a book called The 30 Day Sobriety Solution. I am finding it so helpful and highly recommend it! There are daily tasks and lots of journaling. You can do it in 30, 60 or 90 days, I am doing one of the longer options because I need more time on the daily activities. Anyway, just wanted to let you know about it!
    Take care, we are all here cheering you on!

  3. “I can no longer stand the thought of drinking. Any positive associations have long since leaked away, and the drinking has been almost completely mindless, ridiculous and habitual.”

    Yes, this is so much how I felt at one time. When I read “sober is the new black” by Rachel Black and she said something about opening a bottle each night almost against her will and thinking “here we go again” — it just seemed lifted from my thoughts!
    So glad to see you back Annie. XO

  4. There’s only – ever – the next five minutes. Run in place. Pat your head and rub your tummy. Flush the loo multiple times while loudly reciting whatever obscenity pleases. Do ANYTHING for just the next five minutes.

    Rinse. Repeat.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s