Not alone

I am still here. I haven’t yet managed a sober day but I am staying here. I need help, and your advice, comments and support give me much needed strength. I read and reread the comments here. I know I need more help than the blog, but it is still very important for me to feel that you’re out there.

My AA friend contacts me almost daily. I am going to an AA meeting tomorrow.

I am ok all day, but am crumbling around 5pm. I pour everything away in the morning, then seek out more in the afternoon. Work keeps me busy; its at home that I think, ‘There’s nothing wrong with me! You’re imagining it! Think about something else!’ Then I wake at 3am, knowing that I am in trouble, and that things will never change until I change my way of thinking.

I am two people: the busy, working Annie who is efficient and positive; and the other Annie who is weak and flailing.

Problems

Round and round I go, always trying to find another way out; but I know that I need to be back here, and that I need to be alcohol free.

I have been very busy at work, fine during the day and functioning well, but drinking at night: appearing to hold the whole thing together, but feeling dizzy and odd. I wake in the night and know that my hold is illusory.

Since I went back to work, my drinking has definitely escalated.

I am worried that one day I won’t find my way back here.

So I am trying again. From today, I will not drink.

Doors

Mummywasasecretdrinker has written a brilliant post about doors – well, it’s about lots of things, but the doors part has really struck me today. I have been steadily closing down doors, and I need to open them.  I haven’t been able to get a grip on a run of sober days, and now I’m back at work I have woken up pretty early today – Sunday – in a panic because I have so much to do. But I know I would feel so much calmer if the drink were gone.

As one or two people have recently commented, I started this blog 2 years ago. And I am still here, scrabbling away, not getting a grip. When I met Sober Mummy a few months ago, she asked me what I was afraid of? Why did not drinking scare me so much?  The truth is, I haven’t even tried it, not really. I haven’t got past the craving, nagging period, I haven’t felt any of the benefits; I’ve gone round and round the early days, gnawing at my nails before succumbing to another glass. I feel strong in so many areas of my life – but not in this area.

I am starting again today. Deep down inside of me, I want this, and I know I can do it. Otherwise, those doors may seal tight shut.

Day 2…

… and I know I said I wasn’t going to write here until I had a week under my belt – a week would be good! – but I’m on Day 2 and I am glad. I just wanted to keep you posted.