Despite opening and closing my blog like a madwoman, I still think it is important for me to write here. I literally don’t know why I keep closing my blog. It is all tied up with fear, but fear of what? Fear, perhaps, that by writing I am committing myself to a process which I keep slipping up on, and that the slipping up makes the writing null and void? Trying to be perfect, and finding that my constant relapses don’t fit into the version of perfect I’m trying to reach?
Anyway, the fact that I keep coming back here suggests I need it, and certainly I find the writing therapeutic, and the comments really helpful. I know it must be really frustrating to check in here and find the blog closed, so I’M GOING TO TRY AND STOP DOING THAT.
This week has been day one after day one. I’ve been completely hopeless. A bit like the blog closing, I shut out offers of help. I was supposed to be ringing my sponsor if I felt the urge to drink; but instead, I would turn the phone off and drink on my own. There’s that fear again.
All buoyancy seems to have leached out of me. Time to wake up and get that energy back before it is too late. Another day one, then, another day one.
A Dappled Path 
I think of writing as sacred. It’s like a conversation between you and your higher self. It points you in the right direction. And you never know who needed to read these words. It was by far the people who went back to drinking again and again (like me) that helped me see the power and futility of drinking. When I would hear or read about someone going through the same cycle as I was, I could recognize myself. In that recognition, I was led toward love and compassion for the other person, and therefore, for myself. And that was the first step toward loving myself enough to finally lay down the armor of drink.
It’s a great day for a day 1 Annie! Just think, if you kept it up starting today you could get over that day 4/5 hump over the weekend and have an awesome Monday start to the week. And plus it’s Halloween! If you want your energy back it’s time to reach for something other than the bottle, you can make it happen. 🙂
Keep writing. And keep reaching out for help. You will find it.
Xxx
I dont think its perfection we’re looking for, its sobriety. I think they might be two different things… I don’t find it frustrating as such, that you close the blog, but I do want to comment at random times to ask how you’re doing…and I can’t when its closed.
I understand the dilemma of whether to write whilst still drinking, but its a form of reaching out, so do keep writing! : )