Still here, and though I feel bleary-eyed after a fitful night, I am glad I didn’t drink last night. Day 2. I remain unconvinced as to whether day counting is helpful for me. What do you think?
- doing some work
- cooking and soon to be eating some spring rolls
- drinking some water
- reading stories from the beginnings of some of my favourite sober blogs
- listening to Jean from Unpickled being interviewed on a podcast (see her website for the link) – so so so helpful
- watching the documentary about drinking in Wales recommended in the comments on my blog a few days ago – thank you
- not drinking any alcohol
Back to square one. But I am starting again today, and I am going to keep trying until I succeed.
Just leaving for work, but wanted to write a quick post to say THANK YOU and I’M STILL HERE. I didn’t drink, and today is Day 5.
Thank you for all your support. I do so need it! But at the same time, I worry that I will let you down, and that makes me feel anxious. If you are in the early days of sobriety, and are following my journey, I hope you are also following people who are currently more successful than me – there are so many out there: Unpickled, ainsobriety, mummywasasecretdrinker, Belle, heyamonster, groundhog, haplesshomsteader, asobermiracle, thesobergarden, soberstella, fitfatfood, itstimetogetsober, sisfor50, Mrs D… – you’ll find them all in the comments they have left on my blog. And there are many others who I haven’t mentioned, but who are also very inspiring.
I am stumbling forward, but it isn’t a pretty sight.
I went back to work today, and have just got home. Why is work such a trigger? I think it’s because I’m tired. As I walked home, I thought how I could sabotage myself, but an email from a friend asking how I was doing stopped me in my tracks (thank you, soberchallenge2014) and instead of sabotaging, I am going to make myself a cup of tea, draw breath and sit with my tiredness. Then I will make supper. I’ve got more work to do, but I won’t worry if I don’t do it, I’ll just make sure I don’t drink.
Thank you for your comments yesterday – and on all the other days. Comments on the blog are so helpful, and I feel less alone. You are right when you say that I ask my husband for permission – I do that a lot. Thankfully, I think he is pretty wise to it, and he tends not to take much notice of what I say, or at least he appears not to, though I know he is listening. But I don’t think he really understands the extent of my problem, partly because I don’t reveal it.
My third sober morning, and I’m feeling good about that, though still not feeling particularly positive. I go back to work tomorrow and I’m a bit worried about that, as it puts me in a less safe environment, one where people associate me with parties, drinking, that sort of thing. As I write those words, I see how ridiculous they are: it’s not as though I drink at work – I don’t. It was at the end of last term where I drank at work parties, and people began to see me in that way. Before that, no one saw me drinking, so I think my perception of myself is skewed, and it is more likely that people don’t see me as a drinker at all. A very close friend said to me recently that she had never seen me drinking – never! And I have known her for many years.
I fear I’m rambling. Suffice to say, I’m still very much here, still head down, plodding.
Yesterday, Haplesshomsteader suggested I put my head down and plod on. It’s good advice, as I am apt to look ahead, panic, and drink. I used to scoff at the minute at a time mantra, but I am finding it really helpful at the moment.
I found it physically painful last night getting through the witching hour. I can almost feel the old alcohol coursing through me from last year, intent on seeping into my very bones, and as my body gets rid of it, it looks for more. I need to get past that awful feeling of needing alcohol in order to feel ok. I got past this last night, watched part of the film and then went to bed, but not before I had begged my husband to give up Dry January with me etc etc etc. He is quiet and calm, and just says no.
I slept the sleep of a madwoman, getting up several times because I had such weird nightmares. At one point, I was convinced I had lost the ability to see, or more accurately that my vision had somehow split in two – everything was blurred. I woke in the morning, grateful that I seemed to be alright.
It is not easy. Of course it is not. I am plodding on, though. Plodding on.
Found the witching hour really hard this evening, but am through and settling down to watch a film. Feel relieved and happy – and amazed!
…is what Belle wrote to me this morning. Dry January has begun, and I am keen to grasp it with both hands and give it everything I’ve got. The main thing to do, of course, is not drink, and that’s the plan, a day at a time. Indeed, an hour at a time, because I still feel the cravings as we head towards a late lunch here on a rainy New Year’s Day.
I wish I felt more joyous. I just need to be quiet, and not take on too much today, the temptation being to do some work, tackle that filing, get thinner and be nice to everybody – rather, I just need not to drink.