Yesterday, Haplesshomsteader suggested I put my head down and plod on. It’s good advice, as I am apt to look ahead, panic, and drink. I used to scoff at the minute at a time mantra, but I am finding it really helpful at the moment.
I found it physically painful last night getting through the witching hour. I can almost feel the old alcohol coursing through me from last year, intent on seeping into my very bones, and as my body gets rid of it, it looks for more. I need to get past that awful feeling of needing alcohol in order to feel ok. I got past this last night, watched part of the film and then went to bed, but not before I had begged my husband to give up Dry January with me etc etc etc. He is quiet and calm, and just says no.
I slept the sleep of a madwoman, getting up several times because I had such weird nightmares. At one point, I was convinced I had lost the ability to see, or more accurately that my vision had somehow split in two – everything was blurred. I woke in the morning, grateful that I seemed to be alright.
It is not easy. Of course it is not. I am plodding on, though. Plodding on.
A Dappled Path 
Yup, you just have to plod on – and often alone. There is help out there, but it’s really all down to you in the end. Re your husband – I am married to someone who still drinks quite heavily. I envy you that your husband seems a moderate drinker, at times it has been very hard for me when alcohol is always present, even the white wine that was my favourite tipple, sitting in the fridge for me to see (ignore!). But I know deep down that it’s got to be me that changes, nobody else stopping or starting is going to make a difference in the long run. You’ll get there x
Only the beginning is hard, really. You can do this, one step at a time. This can be your year, Annie.
I like Primrose’s comment about drinking, if you haven’t read it:
https://takinganewpath.wordpress.com/2017/01/01/this-will-be-our-year/
Minute by minute Annie, head down to stop you looking too far ahead and to keep you in the here and now and the panic will subside. Love to you x.
Keep plodding Annie – you have not drank alcohol since last year – what a thing to be able to say! 😀
…’but not before I had begged my husband to give up Dry January with me etc etc etc. He is quiet and calm, and just says no.’
Is this really correct? What you meant? You were looking to him to make the decision? Give you permission?? This is what has come thru as long as I have read your blog…..you, not taking the responsibility for your choices. Time after time, you have written of turning to him for allowance, to make the decision YOU should be making. Right there is the BIGGEST most important step, dear. And your biggest hurdle. Be in charge of you. Do something FOR you. If his permission would send you right back down the rabbit hole….what does that say? About anything?
I really do wish you the best….one of these days I hope you find it, the best version of you. For you. On your own.
I agree with northwoman1996! You have to do this for YOU! You cannot give the power away to someone else or rely on anyone else to do what is up to you. I don’t know if you follow A Hangover Free Life, but she had a recent post about “Self Abandonment”. How anytime we are not true to ourselves or are doing something detrimental to our well being-such as dumping a lot of toxic alcohol into our bodies-we are abandoning ourself. I think it’s also about coming to terms with your own power-not to be afraid of it and give it away. You seem to have a very supportive husband. And, you’re lucky in that. However, in Lucy’s (a hangover free life) following post, she talks about the fine line between being able to cope and then not. I think it’s the same with our partners, our work colleagues, our friends-how long will they and can they put up with it? I think it’s also important for you to consider doing some inner work-with a therapist-as to why you are afraid of your own power-what hurts you are trying to drown out.
Do this for YOU Annie. It’s not only okay-it will benefit you and others in your life in ways you could never imagine.
The craving for alcohol is very strong at first. I can’t give you a time frame of when it will suddenly get better. For me it can change day to day. At the moment it feels easy but I know that feeling, it has been there before and it can change in an instant. Alcohol will kill you if you let it. Who knows how much damage it has done already. I have spoken before about medication which might help. I would do whatever it takes to help myself. If willpower alone is not enough then look for other ways. My husband is a heavy drinker. There is wine everywhere in my home. He drinks in front of me every single night. I had to reach the stage where I stopped drinking for ME. I wish my husband would do the same for himself but that is his journey, not mine. He has reached the stage where he can not sleep at night unless he drinks. When he has a rare night off from drinking he tosses and turns all night long. I was like that for the first week of sobriety but now I sleep like an angel. My sleep is the most precious gift. I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Waking up without a hangover is wonderful. Waking up without guilt is even better. Every day I have to tell myself not to drink. I am doing lots of reading on addiction recovery. Education is important. We need to understand what is going on beneath the alcohol. Why do we drink. Knowledge is power. You are a clever woman Annie, you must have the same questions. Why do you drink? Why not delve deeper and discover the truth. Fix the underlying issue. Drink hasn’t fixed it and it never will. Spend your evenings reading. Craig Nakken and his book “The addictive personality’ is a great start. That helped me greatly. It is available on Audible if you have trouble reading. Take your computer to bed, listen to it on Audible as you go to sleep. Anything by Dr Joe Dispenza, he talks about re training the brain. Becoming a better you. You can find his talks for free on youtube. Distract, distract, distract. Get through January. Then start on February. One day at a time. Be strong.
Please call the treatment centre and go back. What will you do tomorrow when your husband isn’t around?
This is a serious issue. You have been fighting for sobriety since 2014. It’s time to take real action.
You know I only wish the best for you. The best is for you to take this seriously.
Take a walk or do something completely different during the witching hour. Let the drinking thoughts go.