Doing this for me

Thank you for your comments yesterday – and on all the other days. Comments on the blog are so helpful, and I feel less alone. You are right when you say that I ask my husband for permission – I do that a lot. Thankfully, I think he is pretty wise to it, and he tends not to take much notice of what I say, or at least he appears not to, though I know he is listening. But I don’t think he really understands the extent of my problem, partly because I don’t reveal it.

My third sober morning, and I’m feeling good about that, though still not feeling particularly positive. I go back to work tomorrow and I’m a bit worried about that, as it puts me in a less safe environment, one where people associate me with parties, drinking, that sort of thing. As I write those words, I see how ridiculous they are: it’s not as though I drink at work – I don’t. It was at the end of last term where I drank at work parties, and people began to see me in that way. Before that, no one saw me drinking, so I think my perception of myself is skewed, and it is more likely that people don’t see me as a drinker at all. A very close friend said to me recently that she had never seen me drinking – never! And I have known her for many years.

I fear I’m rambling. Suffice to say, I’m still very much here, still head down, plodding.

21 thoughts on “Doing this for me”

  1. Remember when ‘mornings after’ meant nothing but regret and guilt? (And often vile physical woe). Now, a morning after NOT drinking….is hallelujah time! It took YEARS to skew (and screw up) our brains, gonna take a ‘bit’ of time to re-set…

  2. I used to “assign” my sobriety to my husband too, because that way the decision to drink was really his and not mine. Once I made a decision that I had to do this regardless of what he was doing, life became much easier. As you said, I was finally doing it for myself. ; )

    Lots of love, Annie!

  3. Annie, you’re certainly not alone and hopefully the advice/support/encouragement you receive will get you through this. You’re going to have days when you don’t feel positive… especially at the beginning when it can feel like you have a mountain to climb, and one you’ve tried to climb before. But you can do it – and you will. x

  4. I wouldn’t worry much about what people at work think, we all tend to be anxious about others opinions of us, and unnecessarily so usually.
    When I told the guys at work I had quit drinking for good, not one of them reacted with the scorn or derision that I expected, I think secretly a few of them are actually envious.
    Keep on keeping on, Annie.
    I know from experience that it will be so worth it given time.
    Best wishes.

  5. I agree with Anne — whether people see you as a drinker or not has pretty much zero to do with your very evident, serious alcoholism. I don’t think anyone, except maybe my husband, had any idea how much I was drinking. It’s what alcoholics do — control our image, “party girl” “social drinker” “wine connoisseur.” It’s the way we convince ourselves we’re not that bad, that we don’t have a problem (and why do we need to do that? So we can go on drinking). People who are not alcoholics, who are not addicted to alcohol, don’t spend a lot of time thinking about how much they APPEAR to drink. They don’t spend a lot of time debating themselves over whether they have a problem. They don’t spend all day thinking about drinking or not drinking, they just drink or not, can take it or leave it. That’s not you, Annie, and it’s not me.

  6. I agree with Anne and Haplesshomsteader, it doesn’t matter if others don’t see you as a chronic drinker, you are. We all were and we all hoped we would be able to hide in plain sight with no-one aware how bad it was. I went back and read January 2016 on your blog and you tried to talk hubby out of Dry January then too. Have you read what you wrote last January? And January 2015? I occasionally go back and read my old entries in a paper diary which aren’t edited for blogging purposes and they are horrific to read. I say the same thing over and over and seem to get more and more depressed and hopeless.
    You said on several occasions last year that you had to hubby exactly how bad it was and how much you were drinking and that he was concerned. You indicate above he doesn’t understand the extent of the problem because you don’t reveal it. Wasn’t there something last year about locking booze in the shed but then you buying more secretly.
    Please understand I am not attacking you or shining a spotlight on you Annie, so many of us have been there and done the same thing over and over. You must try to fully appreciate the full extent of your reliance on alcohol and the impact it is having on you.
    Every seemingly harsh comment I make could here also be directed at myself and at seven months sober now I am under no illusion that I would be able to drink again, I’d be right back in the depths of addiction.
    You CAN do this and it will be pretty crappy for a few weeks but then it will get better and life fully improves from then. Your only job is to not drink today and today only. Don’t focus on forever or tomorrow only the next hour or five minutes. So many people want this for you Annie and I hope that minute by minute, hour by hour you can want it more and more for yourself.
    Lastly, select 20 blogs you like and every night go to that blog and read and make a comment. Some bloggers post every day (Sam KD jumps to mind here) and you can guarantee there will be something new to read. Other blogs like Anne or Wendy or SoberMummy, Haplesshomsteader, Mrs D, Belle, there are loads of new bloggers too that are looking for support, go back to the beginning of their blogs and start from the first one and work your way forward. Fill up your evenings with others journey and you will see that you too can do this and get to a very happy and contented place where everyday is not consumed with thoughts about drinking or trying not to drink.
    I wish you well Annie, you have been fighting this for a long time and we all want you to succeed and you really can do it.

    1. Thanks for commenting here. I really appreciate it. I haven’t gone back and read past entries in my blog – at least, not recently. I just can’t quite bear to somehow – feeble, I know. Your ‘groundhog’ blog title indicates we have all been round and round for a long time – I’m so pleased to read how far you’ve got, and I’d like to follow you. Annie x

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