Thank you to everyone who reads and who comments on my posts. I read every one carefully, and they help me enormously. On waking this morning, I read Patti’s comment on yesterday’s post in which she suggested I read William Leith’s article in today’s Guardian: ‘How I let drinking take over my life’. I read it straightaway, and it has made a deep impression on me. Many things struck me, but in particular the way in which the writer would make deals with himself, year after year continuously trying to control and make sense of his drinking, carrying on drinking even when he didn’t really want to, and the way in which his drinking slunk into his way of being, subtly oh so subtly. It is completely fascinating and rang true with me in many ways.

I have had problems with my drinking since my early 20s, and here I am at 47, still struggling. Constant denial, endless it’ll be alright/I’m not that bad/drinking is important socially/wine is civilised etc. And all the time, slowly and subtly, it has become an enormous part of my life, defining me almost.

5th January today, so Day 5. I felt terrible when I woke up, but I am determined not to take any paracetamol, but rather to monitor how I feel, to notice how my body and brain are trying to repair and to help me get better.

I can do this.

17 thoughts on “Thinking”

  1. If it’s just a simple aspirin type medicine, maybe you could ask yourself, would I tell my best friend to take it or to stay strong? Be gentle with yourself. And I’m actually thinking the same thing this morning. Lol Should I take something for my normal aches & pains? I think us drinkers LOVE to overthink the simple stuff. I hope you have a good day!

  2. Annie, well done for getting to Day 5, what a fantastic achievement. Personally I think that paracetamol / aspirin/ ibuprofen to treat the aches and pains and headaches an flu-ey feelings is fine. there is no addiction potential with these and I used them quite a lot. I also went to my GP and asked for a few diazepam – I did not say they were for alcohol withdrawal but for acute anxiety (which I also had as a result of the alcohol withdrawal). I was given 14 I think, and they really helped. I am not specifically recommending this, because diazepam is of course a drug of addiction, but I had had before, for acute anxiety and stopped it without any problems. My GP also knows me very well. Keep going Annie, fill up your space with baths and candles and books and TV (if you can concentrate) and baking (if you like this) one day at a time. I’m thinking of you and sending you hugs Lily XX

    1. I feel better today, and didn’t need to take any aspirin or anything. But I would have done if the symptoms had got worse – and of course they may get worse again. Annie x

  3. I’m so pleased for you Annie. 5 days is amazing. I’m actually looking forward to my journey in a few days time ( we are on holiday, so my day one is going to be when we get home). I’m 41 and like you have been bloody toing and froing for years. I’ve got some sober time under my belt in the past so I’m hoping that this time I’ve built up the knowledge to conquer this once and for all. I don’t know what to advise re paracetamol etc but if you feel really rubbish, this won’t help your resolve so maybe a bit of relief wouldn’t be such a bad idea. Thinking of you. Old Dog 🐶 xxx

  4. As always, ask yourself if you are making like easier or harder.
    Take the Tylenol. Eat the treat. Have the bath.
    Not drinking is not a punishment. It is a act of self preservation, compassion and love.

  5. Yes, your body is recovering and repairing and it needs your care! It might feel bad right now, but it is already healing and will get better every day, not worse! That battle of “am I that bad?” doesn’t matter if you were or weren’t, you are here and you don’t want alcohol to define you anymore! You are doing this…have patience and treat yourself with kindness and watch the miracle happen!!! Hugs.

  6. Hi Annie, I am new to blogging but am reading Clare Pooley’s book and realise what a good support system it is. Your blogs are inspiring to read and you are doing so well. I started on January 2nd this year as was driving on New Year’s Eve and not drinking so then felt hard done by and had to have one last day before starting again. So I am on day 4. I have had an oestrogen positive breast cancer so drinking wine is very bad for me in too many ways and I really need to stop this time. Hitting the first weekend sees me sitting here stuffing my face with crisps but not drinking wine, so all good for now. I bought a Guardian today so will go and read the article mentioned above. I love your honesty and will look forward to your daily posts. CH x

    1. Hello Chocolate Heart. It is great to see you here. Sober Mummy’s blog is brilliant, as are many others. I’m a big fan of crisps. Annie x

  7. Hi Annie, glad you read the article. I too struggled for many years, on a roller-coaster of guilt, rebellion, denial, justification, ‘dry January’ abstinence…. I held down quite a high-powered job, and had a hard time believing the online quizzes which told me I had a ‘problem’ – I only drank wine (albeit up to 3 bottles a day) and never woke up thinking I needed a drink. AA and therapy – marvellous though they may be – just weren’t for me. But 2 years ago I read Clare’s (Sober Mummy) blog and something seemed to click in my head. I also immersed myself in sobriety blogs (including yours)… I know I can’t drink – though I say to myself that I am at liberty to start at any time so long as I acknowledge that I will be back to square one. I don’t drink non-alcoholic stuff, in the same way that I don’t eat meat substitutes…but each to their own! You’ll get there too. Xxx

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