All posts by Annie

Nearly through Day 2

Well, when I say I’m nearly through Day 2, it’s only 6pm here, so I’m in the middle of the witching hour, but I don’t want to write my post too late as I think it might annoy my husband if I get immersed in computer stuff every evening.

I’ve been overwhelmed by all the lovely comments and support from people out there. I can’t believe it! I’d been worried that my blog was a bit primitive – I don’t know how to make it look pretty or personal; perhaps I’ll work that out, but for now I’m just writing and recording my thoughts over these next days and – I hope – weeks.

When I last tried to give up drinking, I read blogs every day, listened to Bubble Hour podcasts, tried to focus on positive sober vibes. One of the bloggers did suggest that I start my own blog – but at that time, I simply couldn’t imagine doing that. I’m not sure why; I just didn’t feel confident enough or something. This time round – and there have been lots of mini sobriety attempts in between – I am hoping that writing this will help me stick to it. What I find hard about trying to give up drinking is sustaining enthusiasm for it. After 60 days last time, I succumbed to the feeling of being fed up with the plan, bored with all the control. I need to tackle that better this time, be ready for it.

I need to remember what I’m like when I relax into drinking. You should have seen me on Saturday. I had planned to be incredibly sophisticated, sip one or two glasses while I gave everyone dinner. Real version turned out to be me quaffing wine like it was the last liquid on earth, and trying to force one of my guests to tell us all about the fact that he’d been married before, even when he said he didn’t want to talk about it. Not direct and engaging of me, just rude.

Last week, I did 4 days sober, so I’m still feeling relatively relaxed about it. But I know that as I approach the weekend, I’m going to start to worry about it. It’s my birthday this weekend, and I can’t remember when I last had a birthday without a drink, so that is going to be a big challenge. A kind friend of mine is hosting a lunch party for me, and when I told her I’d given up boozing she said, ‘Perhaps you’ll have relented by then’. It’s going to be difficult picking my way through a champagne party just for me. Aaaaaarrrrggghh.

This afternoon, I was hit by a wave of panic about starting this blog and encouraging people to read my story. I now feel as though I can’t turn back – which is the point of it, partly, I know, but it terrifies me. Before, I knew that I could start drinking again whenever I wanted, but now it feels different, as though everyone would be really disappointed in me if I failed.

Plan for tonight? Supper all together, then I think a bath so as to avoid the wine with TV scenario, always so tempting to me, especially when I start to get depressed about the thought of not drinking. Wine is still calling to me, you see. I’d better get some ideas of sober treats lined up. I didn’t use that tool at all last time, and I think it might help.

Day 1

This is not my first Day 1. After a 60 day sober stretch a few months ago, I decided that I would try to moderate. Within a day or so, I was back to all my usual habits and drinking more than ever. I went through the summer, desperately trying to moderate; but it didn’t work. So I kept starting on Day 1: I’d do a couple of days, maybe even three, but then my resolve would waver and I’d talk myself out of it.

Today, a dear friend suggested I try a 30 day stretch, as well as starting a blog to write about my experiences every day for the next 30 days. So that’s what I’m going to try and do.

I woke up this morning feeling liverish and ill. I’d done 4 days sober, but then we’d had people for dinner and my good intentions were immediately quashed. I didn’t even have an internal debate with myself: I just dived right in. Drink after drink, and goodness knows what rubbish I spouted. Everyone was drinking except for one lady who I noticed only had ONE GLASS of champagne which she drank really slowly and then she had water. If only I could do that!  I felt completely out of control, and what is worse I didn’t mind. But today I do mind and I want to do something about it.