All well, and still plodding along. I’m sorry these posts are not very exciting – that’s probably a good thing!
I feel really tired this evening, heading up to London to play in a concert. Still just plodding along, not drinking, not dwelling. I’m not projecting ahead, I’m just doing a day at a time.
I’m still at work, but going home soon. I have no desire to drink. I usually couldn’t wait to get home and crack open the booze after working this late; now I’m just looking forward to a quiet evening in (when I eventually get home…).
On the train to London this morning, going to my rehearsal, the man sitting opposite me got a bottle of booze out of his bag and took a swig. It was 10am. I could smell him when he got on the train – he was young, just a normal guy. I am glad not to be feeling as though I need a top-up of alcohol to help me through a hangover; I am sure that is something I have occasionally done, the hair of the dog. It’s not a pretty sight, and it struck me today what a strange thing it was to do.
Back home now, and heading towards another quiet night in.
Keeping a record of sober days this month is really helpful for me, as are the comments. Every day, I come to the blog and write something, however brief. I have kept this blog for a long time now, and it has fluctuated over the years from confessional, to panic, to gratitude. At the moment, I see it as a kind of haven. A couple of people have commented that I sound different this time round. I think this may be my being a bit quieter this month, trying not to dwell so much on what I’m doing, but rather just trying to do it.
I have nearly finished Clare Pooley’s book. It’s so good. I’m then going to go back and read Caroline Knapp’s book. I have to do a lot of reading (poetry and fiction) for work, and I have found reading generally to be therapeutic this month. Every day, I read for ages, if I can.
I’m not going out or doing anything social (in the party sense), although I do go to work of course, and play in the orchestra, and both those things are hugely convivial. But no alcohol is involved, and I am finding a new pleasure in that. I cannot envisage going to a party though – not at the moment. And I would not set foot inside a pub.
…and still fine. Bit too tired to write.
Have come back to this post a little while later, to describe feeling really low after work today because of a difficult situation with a work colleague. I felt really sad, as I am having a tricky time generally with this person, and when I got home I really felt like drinking. I cried, but then I got an alcohol-free beer out of the fridge, and talked the situation through with my husband. Now I feel calmer and am going to have a quiet Friday evening.
…and I’m on the train coming back from my rehearsal. London is still eerily quiet; I reckon many Londoners are doing Dry January.
I find I have still not done much reflecting on not drinking. I hope that is not a bad thing. For the moment, I am just not drinking, but I think I’ll eventually need to do more work on the whys and wherefores. But in the past, I have sometimes found that over-thinking it in the first few weeks can be off-putting (for me), and can put ideas about drinking in my head. This time, I’m avoiding all social events which may involve drink, not stepping foot inside a pub, and just lying low.
Many thanks for your comments; they really really help me. I felt a great deal better today. Although last night my sleep was still disturbed, I didn’t feel so tired today, and hardly dwelt on drinking at all. This coincided with one of my colleagues saying I looked 10 years younger, now I was ‘off the sauce’ (his words) – radiant was also mentioned! I don’t want to sound boastful; rather, it is to record this observation, to help me see the light.
So, Day 17, and I feel more positive.
I’m feeling low today. Not sure why, nothing specific, just a feeling. Thoughts of drinking were harder to push away, and surfaced earlier in the day than usual. But once home, I had some alcohol-free drinks and literally forced myself to do other things: got on with some work, did a couple of errands, just pushed through the low stuff.
I guess I feel a bit sad, and low.
…and only just back from work. Not drinking seems to be my new normal, and I am glad.
I am a little disappointed still to be feeling so tired, not to be sleeping well, and not to be looking remotely radiant.
But – not drinking, that’s the important thing.