Sunday dusk

Day 14 and it’s already dark. Several of my work colleagues went out last night, and it sounded great fun, but I can’t do that stuff at the moment, and it was far better for me to stay at home, safe. I am still quite troubled by my sleep – my dreams continue to be very strange and disturbing. I hope this will pass.

This morning, I read more of Clare’s book. Twice, I wept. I find it so moving, and as I have actually met her (she’s amazing), I can picture her as I read.

I have been making a really good mocktail: lots of ice, a couple of centimetres of vanilla/almond syrup (from the coffee area in the supermarket – I think it’s used in coffees), juice of half a lime, juice of half a lemon, top up with lemonade (not the cloudy one). It’s delicious. I think I may have posted this on my blog before, but have no idea where/when.

And so I move along, quietly.

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Saturday dusk

Day 13, and not drinking is beginning to feel more normal. I was at work this morning, and took the dog for a long walk this afternoon; and now I’m about to go to the gym. That means it’ll almost be supper when I get home, and the witching hour will have passed.

I have to say, I’m trying not to think about it all too much, and I guess this may mean that I’m not yet doing the work. By work, I mean the hard thinking about my drinking, and how important it is for me to be stopping. But if I start to think about that, I find my mind starts to play tricks, and to rationalise it – so I’m just avoiding that at the moment.

Sleep is still full of dreams/nightmares, but during the day I am feeling pretty perky and positive. I think I’m being calmer generally, and not letting things build up.

All in all, things are going well. This time last year, I had already abandoned Dry January – but this year feels completely different.

Friday evening

I am finding the Friday cravings a little tricky this evening, but I am pushing through them. I felt really tired after work, and ‘sod it’ thoughts went through my head as I walked home: I’ll just have a drink and no one will know sorts of thoughts. Didn’t do that. Came home, sat straight down with an alcohol-free drink and prepared some work for tomorrow. And now I need to get supper ready and I’ll probably watch some sort of easy/trashy film.

I guess I’m missing going out, but that just wouldn’t be possible or advisable at the moment. I was struck by how empty London was yesterday evening on my way back from rehearsal – maybe everyone is having a rest after alcohol-fuelled December.

When I feel a negative drinking thought – an urge to drink – I literally try and stop thinking at the moment. And that’s what seems to be working quite well. Day 12 today.

On the train

Things have felt a bit easier today. Indeed, I feel as though I’m getting in the groove a little. It is now more normal to come home and make myself an alcohol-free drink in the evening – I always have one – and then I read, or practise the piano, or do this and that round the house so as not to dwell. Once I’m cooking supper, I think I am past the craving and the rest of the evening is ok.

I am watching terrible films (eg. sharks/survival) and I have not been able to sleep well. Last night, I thought the house was on fire – I was convinced I could see and smell smoke, and I saw flashing lights. I would say my sleep has got worse over the past few days.

On my way to my orchestra rehearsal now, and the man opposite me on the train has a large pint of beer in a plastic cup. I would not want to be drinking this – a good sign? Day 11 today.

A bit numb

I’m about to go to bed at the end of Day 10, still sober.

I’m sorry I am not writing very much at the moment. I feel a bit numb – it is strange – and just continue to be very quiet at home in the evenings, trying not to think too much in a way, because that’s when I start to get anxious and to overthink stuff. I just want to get through these days, and not to drink.

Mind racing

I found today much harder than the previous days this year so far. I seemed to think about drinking much more. Trying to work out the triggers, I couldn’t really detect a pattern; it was just more frequent. Back home now after work, I am going to sit quietly – I seem to be doing a lot of that at the moment. I’ve got more work to do, but I don’t think that will help my current state of mind.

I imagine I might feel like this for some time, many weeks even. I won’t look ahead.

Tired…

… and going to bed after being back at work today. But still sober. A couple of people at work expressed dismay when I said I was doing Dry January; I will not be phased by them. They may be disappointed at the idea that I won’t be out drinking with them, but that will pass, and they soon won’t mind, or even notice.

I am already really busy and feel the pressure building up, but am still trying to sit quietly with my thoughts.

Still quiet

Sunday, and quietness before I go back to work tomorrow. I haven’t done enough preparation for work, and have been procrastinating terribly; but I haven’t been drinking and that is more important at the moment. Quiet, it really does feel quiet – in a good way.

Once I am busier, and around more people, I worry that there will be triggers.

In the meantime, I am taking it hour by hour, having alcohol-free drinks at all the potential problem points, reading, sitting quietly, thinking. One or two people have said I look well; and my son commented on my being perkier in the evenings.

Is this really Day 7??

Saturday evening…

…and having a Beck’s Blue (like Sober Mummy, I find them a good substitute). Earlier this evening, I found the old thoughts swirling round my head, about not liking doing Dry January, that sort of thing. But I really am trying to push those thoughts aside, and to focus on the bigger picture: getting sober.

I feel a bit weary, but I am here, nearly at the end of Day 6.