Day 14 and it’s already dark. Several of my work colleagues went out last night, and it sounded great fun, but I can’t do that stuff at the moment, and it was far better for me to stay at home, safe. I am still quite troubled by my sleep – my dreams continue to be very strange and disturbing. I hope this will pass.
This morning, I read more of Clare’s book. Twice, I wept. I find it so moving, and as I have actually met her (she’s amazing), I can picture her as I read.
I have been making a really good mocktail: lots of ice, a couple of centimetres of vanilla/almond syrup (from the coffee area in the supermarket – I think it’s used in coffees), juice of half a lime, juice of half a lemon, top up with lemonade (not the cloudy one). It’s delicious. I think I may have posted this on my blog before, but have no idea where/when.
And so I move along, quietly.
Day 13, and not drinking is beginning to feel more normal. I was at work this morning, and took the dog for a long walk this afternoon; and now I’m about to go to the gym. That means it’ll almost be supper when I get home, and the witching hour will have passed.
I have to say, I’m trying not to think about it all too much, and I guess this may mean that I’m not yet doing the work. By work, I mean the hard thinking about my drinking, and how important it is for me to be stopping. But if I start to think about that, I find my mind starts to play tricks, and to rationalise it – so I’m just avoiding that at the moment.
Sleep is still full of dreams/nightmares, but during the day I am feeling pretty perky and positive. I think I’m being calmer generally, and not letting things build up.
All in all, things are going well. This time last year, I had already abandoned Dry January – but this year feels completely different.
I am finding the Friday cravings a little tricky this evening, but I am pushing through them. I felt really tired after work, and ‘sod it’ thoughts went through my head as I walked home: I’ll just have a drink and no one will know sorts of thoughts. Didn’t do that. Came home, sat straight down with an alcohol-free drink and prepared some work for tomorrow. And now I need to get supper ready and I’ll probably watch some sort of easy/trashy film.
I guess I’m missing going out, but that just wouldn’t be possible or advisable at the moment. I was struck by how empty London was yesterday evening on my way back from rehearsal – maybe everyone is having a rest after alcohol-fuelled December.
When I feel a negative drinking thought – an urge to drink – I literally try and stop thinking at the moment. And that’s what seems to be working quite well. Day 12 today.
Things have felt a bit easier today. Indeed, I feel as though I’m getting in the groove a little. It is now more normal to come home and make myself an alcohol-free drink in the evening – I always have one – and then I read, or practise the piano, or do this and that round the house so as not to dwell. Once I’m cooking supper, I think I am past the craving and the rest of the evening is ok.
I am watching terrible films (eg. sharks/survival) and I have not been able to sleep well. Last night, I thought the house was on fire – I was convinced I could see and smell smoke, and I saw flashing lights. I would say my sleep has got worse over the past few days.
On my way to my orchestra rehearsal now, and the man opposite me on the train has a large pint of beer in a plastic cup. I would not want to be drinking this – a good sign? Day 11 today.
I’m about to go to bed at the end of Day 10, still sober.
I’m sorry I am not writing very much at the moment. I feel a bit numb – it is strange – and just continue to be very quiet at home in the evenings, trying not to think too much in a way, because that’s when I start to get anxious and to overthink stuff. I just want to get through these days, and not to drink.
I’ve just arrived at work, but wanted to report that today is Day 10. THANK YOU ALL for your support and encouragement.
I found today much harder than the previous days this year so far. I seemed to think about drinking much more. Trying to work out the triggers, I couldn’t really detect a pattern; it was just more frequent. Back home now after work, I am going to sit quietly – I seem to be doing a lot of that at the moment. I’ve got more work to do, but I don’t think that will help my current state of mind.
I imagine I might feel like this for some time, many weeks even. I won’t look ahead.
… and going to bed after being back at work today. But still sober. A couple of people at work expressed dismay when I said I was doing Dry January; I will not be phased by them. They may be disappointed at the idea that I won’t be out drinking with them, but that will pass, and they soon won’t mind, or even notice.
I am already really busy and feel the pressure building up, but am still trying to sit quietly with my thoughts.
Sunday, and quietness before I go back to work tomorrow. I haven’t done enough preparation for work, and have been procrastinating terribly; but I haven’t been drinking and that is more important at the moment. Quiet, it really does feel quiet – in a good way.
Once I am busier, and around more people, I worry that there will be triggers.
In the meantime, I am taking it hour by hour, having alcohol-free drinks at all the potential problem points, reading, sitting quietly, thinking. One or two people have said I look well; and my son commented on my being perkier in the evenings.
Is this really Day 7??
…and having a Beck’s Blue (like Sober Mummy, I find them a good substitute). Earlier this evening, I found the old thoughts swirling round my head, about not liking doing Dry January, that sort of thing. But I really am trying to push those thoughts aside, and to focus on the bigger picture: getting sober.
I feel a bit weary, but I am here, nearly at the end of Day 6.