Staring at my skin

Two posts in one day, but that is because I am panicking (again) and I wanted to document it, rather than hide it.  I am going out tonight, and I’m not worried about that as I offered to drive (see last post); but what I am worried about are the BIG thoughts I’m having about giving up my blogging/sobriety experience and having a glass or two this weekend.  Tonight I just feel SO FED UP with it all suddenly, it is almost overwhelming.

This is how I feel:  aaaaaaaaarrrrrrgggggghhhhhhhh.

I am desperately pulling out all my tried and tested methods:  positive thinking, distraction (I’m about to have a bath), rereading old posts, reading other people’s blogs… I have even been staring in the mirror, in a very vain way, to remind myself that my skin is definitely better since I stopped drinking, and I don’t think I’m imagining that.  Not that skin is the big issue here, but I thought it might help.

I don’t want to let myself down – or my family.  Or you guys.  But I also don’t want to do this anymore.  Oh no!

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13 thoughts on “Staring at my skin”

  1. Annie we can’t stop you from drinking if that is what you want to do. Wolfie is pulling out all the stops by the sounds of it!! Stay here lovely it will get easier 🙂 xx

  2. I feel you!!!! You can do this. You have made it this far!!! It will pass! The other night I went through the same thing– I kept pouring glass after glass of seltzer and lemon and lime. And finally it went away. It was exhausted afterwards, so I slept great that night. And in the morning I felt VICTORIOUS !!!😘

  3. That is wolfie or your inner addict trying hard to get you to question yourself. This is normal. The deep desire to go back to the way it was. I create panic an anxiety.
    But inside you know that you were not happy the way it was. And you won’t be this time. Nothing has changed. You are missing out on nothing.
    I have a journal entry from my first month of sobriety. It says IHATE REVOVERY RECOVERY RECOVERY. I NEVER WANT TO HEAR THIS WORD AGAIN. I JUST WANT TO BE NORMAL. FREE. LEFT ALONE. AHHHHHHHHHHH
    I can remember the horror I felt. The desperate want for things to stop being so fragile and sharp. This was a huge turning point for me. I survived that day and every time I look back at that day I know I don’t want to have to do it again.
    Just get through today. Don’t drink today.
    We are behind you.

  4. I’ve never regretted not taking a drink. On the other hand, I’ve regretted having a drink more times than I can count. Cravings pass and they get easier to deal with. You won’t feel this way forever, though it might feel that way now. Like Lucy said, it’s your decision to make but we can tell you it absolutely gets easier over time.

  5. Skin. That’s funny because I look at the skin on my hands all the time and think how different, how healthy they look. And they seem to get better and better over time. I drank for decades and it has been about two years since I stopped drinking. The improved skin is a fun but when I start to add up eveything else that’s better without drink it makes me tear up, even now, at work. When I stopped I didn’t know if I could really stop and had no real time agenda but somehow here I am still not drinking. The pluses, the benefits are so numerous, so surprising, so wonderful it sometimes freaks me out. I had no idea life could be this full, this rich. I don’t mean it is not difficult at times, in fact it may be more diffcult sober, but it is so very rewarding. I’ll stop with the cheerleading now but hey, you should see my hands. Hang in there, worth every inch of skin and everything else.

  6. So glad you posted, look how badly you want to stay sober! Otherwise, you might skip the post all together and get back on to talk about how guilty you feel.

    You don’t have to be guilty, but instead.. wake up proud! No matter what you decide.. come on back were all here.

  7. if this noise, this pain, is your dependency, or addiction, flailing and thrashing in desperation, wanting to survive – then please know that the only reliable way to make that noise go away for EVER is not to give in to it. and that you CAN be free of it, for ever, if you can just do that.

    because if you give in to it then it will be back louder, and stronger next time.

    it is hard but you can do it. keep going!

  8. These are the moments that really test us Annie, we get it. But we’re all testament to the fact that when you hold tight and allow these feelings to pass, there’s a sunny horizon just ahead.

    THIS IS NORMAL. You’re not weak- this is the inexplicable power of booze talking. Hold strong lovely one x x x

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