Distant

I am sorry I have been distant. I am still here. Things are not perfect, and I need to sort a lot of stuff out. I would like to come back.

I need to do what I did in January – that is, to stop drinking.

Today…

…I finished reading Clare Pooley’s book. It is so good, and I find her story incredibly helpful. I’m now going to go back and reread some other books I have, starting with Caroline Knapp’s book, which I’ve read several times already.

I am still feeling very tired, but in a week’s time it will be half-term, and I can then have a bit of a rest.

Not drinking: the new me. But still very much approaching this a day at a time.

February

A day at time is definitely the way forward for me. I didn’t feel remotely like drinking today, despite several colleagues at work asking me if I was glad Dry January was over. Drinking just feels completely pointless and stupid.

This is good!

31 days

So, it’s the end of Dry January. But I’m carrying on, a day at a time. I might not write every day, but I will write as often as possible.

Just back…

…from taking a school trip to the theatre in London so am late writing, but still all good, nearly the end of the 30th day. Enjoyed my ginger beer earlier, while the other staff had a glass of wine; I did not envy them in the slightest.

29 days…

…and really beginning to get used to this now.

Many people are asking me about February, whether I’m ‘counting down the days’. Well, I’m still just doing a day at a time, and that is working well.

Sunday morning list

28 days in, and last night my husband and I had a chat about the benefits of not drinking, and what we’ve found this month. I’ve done this before, and it’s always really helpful. The trick is for me to refer back to this list if I’m feeling wobbly.

So here it is, some thoughts (in no particular order) on the past few weeks:

* I have felt calmer and much less anxious about stuff
* After weeks of disturbed sleep/bad dreams, I am beginning to sleep better
* I don’t feel so guilty or regretful
* I haven’t argued with my husband; I don’t think I’ve argued with anyone
* I wash my face every night (this one is hilarious – I don’t think I washed my face before going to bed once last year!)
* I am happy lighting the fire and watching television in the evenings
* The children say I am chirpier in the evenings
* I don’t frequent pubs
* One or two people at work have said I look younger
* My skin doesn’t feel dry or greasy
* I care a bit more about how I look/what I’m wearing (I really gave up on that last year)
* I am reading book after book
* I’ve taken up piano lessons again
* I’ve stopped drinking on the way to and from orchestra rehearsals
* I’ve stopped lying about drinking, and stopped hiding drinks in cupboards or drinking more than my husband when he’s not looking (although he says he actually often noticed I was doing this)
* I haven’t had any hangovers
* When I have felt tired, I know it is because I am really tired, not because I’ve been drinking
* When I’ve been upset about something, I have talked about it, and cried, rather than drunk wine to cover it
* I haven’t sent crazy texts late at night and forgotten about them the next day
* I haven’t been so paranoid (although I am still quite paranoid about stuff)
* I feel ‘clean’

We also discussed what we missed, but this list was really tiny, and a bit ‘forced’, eg. missing the ‘sophistication’ of the variety of alcoholic drinks. I used to think this was a big deal, but I now actually think it’s rubbish and just an excuse.

Still very much day by day, though. Maybe it’ll always be like that.

Saturday again

Still here, still calm. I am amazed at how calm and quiet this month has been, so different from the times I have tried before. I am still not thinking too much about it, just staying in this steady rhythm. I have nearly finished Clare’s book, which I have found to be helpful and therapeutic.

Saturday evening stretches ahead. I’m about to head out into the dark to go to the gym, but the fire is lit and I’ll be back soon.

Social stuff

Last night, we went to a drinks thing, and watched everyone drink wine, and we had elderflower. It transpires there is only so much elderflower one can drink in an evening. I noticed how fast everyone drank alcohol, and the more they drank, the funnier they thought they were. My husband has often remarked in the past that I am not remotely funny when I drink, and last night I realised – watching people drinking – that drinking alcohol gives you the illusion that you, and other people drinking around you, are hilarious. In reality, they are quite uninteresting, and not their best selves. I was pleased to have gone to a social event, drunk alochol-free drinks, and not to have felt deprived, although we did leave much earlier than everyone else.

After choir rehearsal this evening, I had one tonic water with ice and lime in the pub before going home. I didn’t like being in a pub at all, and am not going to repeat that for a while. I didn’t feel like drinking; it was more that the whole exercise felt pointless.

Now peacefully cooking supper, the evening of Day 26.

Day 25

Less upbeat today, but I guess that’s inevitable and just part of normal life. My husband had his first drinking dream last night, but I continue to have unrelated nightmares about different stuff – not a drink in sight.

People are asking me if I’m counting down the days until February, but I’m not thinking in that way. Still a day at a time. Sober Mummy has written a good post about Beyond Dry January, which is helpful.