Visitors

Visitors for the weekend, Friday night looming, Day 11 of sobriety… is this combination dangerous?  I fear it is. I have done the shopping (AF beers are back in stock!  hooray!), made up the beds, am about to prepare the supper way ahead so that I’m not panicking later, listened to a Bubble Hour episode about Sober Fun (it’s hilarious and brilliant, listen to it if you haven’t already), and still I feel anxious. I am not intending to blow my sober 11 days, and I have faced similar situations before, but the temptation just to have one is strong.

As I was walking the dog just now, my mind started wandering: could I stay sober and just drink on holiday? Could I just drink one glass of each sort of alcoholic drink this weekend, but basically be abstemious? Shall I tell my husband that my tummy thing is completely better and I want to join him and our friends in a glass of fizz, just a glass?

Too many questions. And I know the answer of course: NO. One of my sober buddies suggested that I promise myself a treat if I get through this weekend with integrity. It’s a good idea, as I still struggle with the whole notion of treats.

I won’t lie to you: I feel vulnerable, I feel worried, I feel weak. I feel like crying.

44 thoughts on “Visitors”

  1. Tell your friends you aren’t drinking. When you get through your commitments you have coming up maybe it would be best to not plan anything for awhile until you feel stronger. Congrats on getting through the past 11 days. No drinking! 😀

    1. They haven’t arrived yet – they’re delayed en route – so I’ve going to make myself a mocktail. I will tell them I’m not drinking. I agree with you that I need to cut down on social events if I can, at least for a while. Annie x

  2. Annie, there are only two choices: all or nothing. No grey in between. I dont think this is about the drink itself, more about feeling left out. But the only thing you’ll miss out on is a hangover and regret in the morning. Don’t give up on your 11 days. Plan that treat, dig out some great music, turn around the downshift in your thinking if you can. We’re all here so you’re not alone. Hugs from Bea xxx

  3. I agree with tracey
    Start the weekend telling them all you aren’t drinking. Use your stimach mefication as a reason if you want. That way if you feel left out you can ask them for support.

    For me, the answer tobthose wuestions is no. You will have to cone up with your own decisions.

    Take care. Put yoursekf first. Stop the internal debate. Just don’t drink. Even on friday. Even with Friends. Even if it rains. Don’t drink.

    Anne

    1. I really need to stop responding on my phone and my typing is bizarre.
      I hope you can understand the gist. Beneath all of it is a true hope that you realize your own worth. Alcohol is hindering that.

    2. Quietening that internal debate is going to be hard. I need to work at it. The niggling voice is so strong sometimes. Thanks for helping me, Anne. Anniex

  4. You torture yourself with these ‘Can I moderate’ questions. Face it. Sorry to say this but Path: You CAN NOT moderate. If you don’t believe me, you might want to read this blog, it’s called ‘A dappled path.’ 😉

    Don’t torture yourself by walking the path of longing and only at the end saying ‘No I won’t drink.’ Chuck out the questions all in all. Don’t worry about what you will do tonight, you are not in tonight. You are here now. Reading your blog thinking something along the lines of ‘shit, Feeling is a nice girl but sometimes she is fucking stuck up and arrogant and telling me what to do and who the $#!@!! does she think she is…. and…. pfff!!’ 😉 But you are not drinking. That’s good. Just remember to not drink now, that’s all you need to do. NOT NOW. Now you can do nice things.

    That’s all you have to do and ALL THE OTHER QUESTIONS AND WORRIES CAN GO OUT OF THE WINDOW. You, now, tea. And paying attention to friends in stead of wondering about alcohol. 😉

    Have a nice weekend!

    xx, Feeling

    1. Feeling! Thanks for the advice. I need it! My friends haven’t arrived yet, but when they do I’m going to try and give them my best side. Annie x

  5. suggest you channel Napoleon on this one. maybe not by crowning yourself as Emperor and attempting to conquer as much land mass as possible while wearing a bi-corne hat, but by adopting this quote;

    “Once you have made up your mind, stick to it: there is no longer any ‘if’ or ‘but’. ”

    ‘no ifs or buts’ will take you where you want to go. ifs and buts will de-rail you and sap your energy that you need for this fight. sack ’em and don’t let those buggers back into your life! xx

  6. I’ll be thinking of you tonight Annie, with my water in hand 🙂 I too still feel like I’m missing out but I keep reminding myself that tomorrow morning, when I wake up I’ll be able to just get on with my day. No, oh why did I do that? why did I think it’d be a good idea? seemed fun at the time but it really wasn’t worth it, why can everyone else drink and I can’t? why did I want to make myself feel like this again!… you know the endless torture that we go through afterwards. (or is that just me lol).

    Try and think about what you are gaining and once they’ve all had a few, they wont even notice that you are not drinking and you can relax and just enjoy the time being totally sober and present.

    Sending hugs x

  7. Annie, when I hosted my in-laws, brother-in-law, and his significant other for Father’s Day weekend in June (at around 4 weeks for me) I was really nervous. Many times over the years, we have enjoyed really nice red wine together with meals. I promised myself on Friday of that weekend that I would not drink. When we went out to dinner, I drove. At dinner at our house, my husband poured the expensive red wine into nice ceramic wine glasses we have from Italy. I poured cranberry juice into my ceramic wine glass. They knew I was not drinking (as did I) but for some reason having a red drink in that same type of wine glass really helped at that early time! Good luck!

  8. I was in early sobriety and went to visit my brother who is a drinker, and a pusher of drinks. I didn’t want to tell anyone about being sober, because at that time I was still so new at it. My sponsor told me to tell them up front, ahead of time. I did, they understood, and it wasn’t uncomfortable at all. I didn’t drink.
    We spend a lot of time in our heads early on. Who is going to notice? So what it is only 11 days, I can start again. Blah, blah. If we keep listening to “those guys” we will never get sober for good.
    Commitment. You need to commit to staying sober NO MATTER WHAT. Until you do that, and shut those voices down, you are going to continue to waffle, and drink.
    I love Prim’s quote. Write it on a post it and put it everywhere!
    Good luck, you can have this if you want it, it just takes work!
    Stay strong.

  9. There’s a bit of a theme with these comments, isn’t there Annie? Can I join in? Yes?
    It’s the shall-I?-shan’t-I? debate that is the killer here, and it gets you every time. No, you are not going to drink. Tell your friends as soon as you can, before they arrive preferably. At the latest, you tell them when the first drinks are being poured. “I’m off the pop at the mo. Stomach trouble.” Raise your glass of fizzy something and smile. No-one will give a shit. You will be fine. You can do this. But you can’t keep torturing yourself with “maybe”s any more. Just say to yourself, 100 days for now. 100 days. Worry about after that after that.
    Are you going on holiday this weekend? No? Then stop worrying about fucking holidays!!
    Good luck – hope your weekend is OK. And if it’s not the best, that’s not the end of the world. It’s only a weekend. Bits will be fun and bits might be a bit shit. And that’s OK.
    Big hugs. Sorry if that was ranty. Am on your side, hon, honest!
    xx

  10. I am going to a party tonight and on the way home from work I forgot that I wasn’t drinking. I was wondering what to buy to drink BEFORE I go out!! But not tonight. Those days are gone. I will chat and I will smile. And I might be a bit bored or boring. But that’s not the most important thing at the moment. The most important thing is staying sober and healing my body. And I will be so glad in the morning. Good luck Annie. I will be thinking of you along with all your other sober buddies x

  11. You’ll stay sober…I believe in you.

    And while you do I want you to do something…I want you to REALLY watch your friends and husband while they drink. Not just on the surface but REALLY.

    How much does each person have? When do they know enough is enough? How do they act after one or 15?

    This was the most eye opening thing I did in early sobriety. What I discovered was that I didn’t like people after they had been drinking; that I was far from normal; and that people who could just have one mystified me. It made me realize that I really didn’t want to go back there.

    You’ve got this. Take a deep breath…you’re going to be fine.

    Sherry

  12. As a chronic relapse junkie i’m finding this time that Belle’s (Tired of Thinking about Drinking) pearls of wisdom on ‘Treats’ work when I put real thought into it. For me .. its not just some random spend on something nice but scheduling a treat I really do want that means something.
    I am doing the scheduling bit because when wolfie visits… I am pausing and having a little chat to myself about this upcoming treat. I ‘change the channel’ on him and think about what this treat means & do I want to start this crap over again.
    Pausing & changing the channel is working & so this weekend I’m really working on my Monday treat to get me through ~~

  13. The good thing about saying you aren’t drinking because of your stomach trouble is that you can feign illness and head to bed if it all gets too much for you. You simply have to take care of you! Radical self-care, which does not mean pouring booze down your throat! Best of luck.

  14. Annie – don’t listen to that ‘can I/should I’ voice ! It’s wolfie and he’s just trying to make you feel like you are being deprived of something you DO NOT NEED OR WANT. You are not being deprived – you are giving yourself the following gifts: no hangover, no guilt or shame or remorse, self-respect, a nice sleep and beautiful clear eyes and skin when you wake up. You deserve all of these gifts and there is no deprivation associated with receiving them, but if you listen to the wolf, he’ll take them away from you and give you: hangover, guilt/shame/misery, self-loathing, a shaky sweaty night of no-sleep and you’ll wake up with red puffy eyes and a bloated gray face.

    Which do you want? Yeah, I thought so. You’re a smart girl :). You’re doing so well and you are such an inspiration to me. Rock on to two weeks! I’m on Day 7, in part because you held my hand for Days 1 and 1 and then Day 2, 3 and so on. Hang in there, girlfriend – I need my sober buddy to be in front of me lighting my dappled path.

    Hugs,

    SR

    1. I will really try and hang in there. I am glad to think that I may be helping you, though I can’t believe all my stopping and starting over the past few months has been very good. You’re doing brilliantly. Thanks for being on the dappled path with me. Annie x

  15. Ditto on lighting the dappled path.. as you can tell, by my 2nd post today , you are holding my hand too 🙂 🙂

  16. Soooooo much great advice and encouragement. Just try to think of how tomorrow will feel when you wake up after being SOBER.
    Hang in there.

  17. Hey Annie, lots and love, support and hugs coming your way from me. I hope out get them :0)
    Keep the faith, stay strong, we are all with you on your dappled path xxx

  18. Hi Annie, you can do this! I have been following your blog and it helped me so much, You inspired me so much last year that I got to day 42 AF for the first time ever! Today I am on day 7 and am really hoping I can keep going this time. Thinking of you tonight. You have some excellent advice in all the comments. Good luck. A x

  19. Hey, Annie, Just reading this post now so you are into your weekend. Just remember how you will feel in the morning if you do drink…like crap. Oh, and full of guilt. You got this. Stay on your Path. TJ

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