My blog

10.25pm on a Friday night and I am turning to my blog. Yet again, I am back in a bad place. I had had 4 sober days, and then caved this evening when I went to a book signing party and drank lots of glasses of I’m not sure what. I liked talking to the people there, but the more I drank, the more I lost a sense of what I was doing.  I looked about at one point and EVERYONE was drinking.  EVERYONE. I could not see one single glass of water, not one.  And at that moment, I felt a sense of desolation, a sense that I would never be able to manage a scenario like this.

And then the rest of the evening fell apart. My husband had been out, and when he came home, I was immediately obstreperous. He is having a hard time at work at the moment, and earlier in the evening, he had asked for my help. I think his words were, ‘Please help me.’

But later in the evening, he said I was aggressive, and by then I was questioning how much help he was being for me with the family, and I was challenging him about it. And that’s when he said, ‘You’re different when you’ve had pop.’  Those were his words.

Pop.

It’s just not working.  Drinking, I mean.  I went out this evening, planning to drink nothing.  I drank I don’t know how many drinks.  I came home and my husband and I argued.  He is now in bed, and I am downstairs writing this.

Day 0, Day 1, Day 60, Day 30.  When is it going to be my day?

32 thoughts on “My blog”

  1. I know, I know, I know!!! Drinking makes nothing better! I think you know this. THIS IS YOUR DAY! I think and pray for you every day, have been were you are many times. I can’t say how or why but Sept. 6, 2014 it clicked, I couldn’t drink anymore!!! Keep, keep, keep trying! Lots of hugs tonight!!
    Mary. 💗💗💗

  2. Many of us had those thoughts of when it will be our day…honestly all these attempts will lead to sobriety so don’t give up! For me I got sick and tired of feeling sick and tired…you will get there…please keep trying!

  3. I’m right there with you. I’m on day three. I was about 5 months sober until November of 2014. I thought I could moderate, but it snowballed by New Years. This is my second try since. I’m also sick and tired of it! Hang in there and so will I. I’m not giving up!

    1. I was three months sober until November 2014 and thought I could moderate! Come January those old habits started creeping back in, sneakily, subtly, and by February I was back to binge drinking. This is my second attempt at sobriety and as I said before I’m doing things differently this time to make sobriety stick. I’m looking at sobriety as though it is a new relationship I need to invest in, nurture, respect and honour. I’m giving sobriety all the time and attention I can (my poor hubby has taken a backseat!). My daily mantra is “Today I’m not drinking alcohol, no matter what!” The ‘no matter what’ part of that gives the mantra power. It makes it stronger. Imagine if I said “today I will try and not drink alcohol”. Do you feel the difference?
      I’m not telling you to do what I’m doing. You need to find what works for you. But dear Annie, please know you’re not alone, you’re not the first person to relapse and sadly won’t be the last. We are all here for you and believe in you. Do you believe in you?
      Xoxo

  4. Start again.
    One day, I just decided I couldn’t keep drinking.
    It was causing too much pain.
    Never stop trying.
    Peace,
    Wendy

  5. Dear Annie
    It can be your day. Can you find a way to reach out to your husband. To tell him you want to help him but that you desperately need help?
    I wish here was an easy solution for you. For all of us.

    Hugs

    Anne

  6. If I were trying to build something, and had a box of nails but no hammer, would you tell me to try hammering the nails in with my forehead this time, or would you suggest I find a hammer? 🙂

    Annie, I’m wondering if there aren’t enough tools in your toolbox to handle this job. I know that you want to go it alone, or as “alone” as possible, but you may need some real life help. It’s not a weakness, any more than me going out and buying a hammer is showing a “weakness” in my construction abilities.

      1. AA works. You will finally know peace. It’s scarier than shit to go to your first meeting. As I was walking up to my first one I kept saying be brave. But once you are there being afraid goes away. I am here for you. I was where you are right now. There is a bond between drinkers. We know your pain!

  7. SC is spot on. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. Maybe try inpatient treatment or outpatient treatment or a counselor trained in drug and alcohol therapy or AA…doing it alone is not working for you. I feel for you, but change it up. I don’t think getting some help will make it worse.

  8. One of my favourite phrases came from Caroline Knapp. She said “alcohol makes everything better, until it makes eveything worse”.This was the truth that flicked a switch for me. This was exactly what had happened in my life. With this one sentence I was able to acknowledge that the last 30 years of wine in my life had been fun, had been great, but now it wasn’t fun anymore, it didn’t stack with the rest of my life anymore, and it was time to move on.
    Don’t give up Annie. You have SO much in your life. Alcohol is just a part of your life, it is not your life. You can continue your life but just without the alcohol in it. Please try once more.

  9. Try not to let your concerns about future scenararios sabotage your present. At the beginning, it is impossible to envisage being comfortable when everyone else is drinking, but you have to trust that after a while without alcohol your thinking will start to change. I could never have imagined being comfortable as the only non-drinker; now I look around at everyone and it just seems silly. And I now notice that not everyone is drinking to excess. Yesterday was a blip. Have a plan for today, and for each day. It WILL get easier, it will become what you want to do, not just what you think you should do, and you will come to realise you have gained so much more than you have ever “given up”.

  10. Try not to let your concerns about the future sabotage your present efforts. Right now you need to get through each day, and have a plan for how to get through each day, and trust that your thinking will change, as it will. It won’t always be like this.Your booze brain told you it is hopeless to try when everyone around seems to be drinking. Your booze brain is a liar. You have learnt so much already, and know how much better you feel when you don’t drink. Yesterday was a blip. Today you don’t drink, and tomorrow you will feel better.

  11. I’m with SC, et al who are discussing getting more help. It’s not a sign of weakness, nor is it “bothering” anyone, nor is it some failing on your end. We ALL need help one way or another. And it doesn’t have to be AA. There are many other ways to get sober and stay sober. And happy. Blogs are nice but they don’t keep you sober. Talking to others in real life and having a solid plan of sorts is key. Your ego and pride will tell you over and over again that you “got this” but it’s a liar. We all need help. I have my recovery peeps, I have a running coach, I have a therapist, I have all sorts of people who help me. As I help others. That’s what we do for one another!

    You are not alone. Perhaps it is time to change it up.

    Paul

  12. One thing they said at one of my first meetings was, ‘you never have to drink again.’ I didn’t get it right away. I thought, ‘I want to keep drinking.’ What it really meant was that you never have to feel that incomprehensible demoralization again. I feel for ya honey & am praying for you. I remember how it felt, all that you described above. So exhausting! If you choose to reach out for it, you too will never have to drink again. Freedom.

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