The truth

I considered going to bed and saying nothing. It would be easy to get up tomorrow and carry on as if it was Day 5. No one would know. But I want to tell you. This evening I drank, so yet again my sober attempt is scuppered.

It began this afternoon when I went for a walk with my husband and basically persuaded him that my current sober 100 day strategy wasn’t going to work, and that I wanted to feel normal. By normal, I mean I want not to be thinking about drinking/not drinking. The ‘get-out’ strategy always kicks in mid-afternoon.

He agreed. But it was really weak of me, because he is a kind man, and I think he will always want to help me, and go with what I say. It’s not fair of me to put him in this position.

He asked that I control my intake. So we began well with one or two glasses. But after a while, he went to bed, and I have stayed up, drinking alone as usual. My children are so disappointed with me.

I was so tempted not to write this on my blog. Because I know I will wake up tomorrow and wish I were still sober, and you’d still think I was succeeding, and no one would know.

But this is not the way forward. I know this is awful, and that I am making little progress. I stumble almost every day. But I absolutely have to keep on trying. I can’t give up.

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29 thoughts on “The truth”

  1. Thanks for your honesty. I really needed to read this tonight as I am in the throes of a battle within myself. You have helped me greatly with this post. Tomorrow is a new day Annie. Maybe try AA? Hugs.

  2. At some point we all wish we could be normal (whatever that means) and drink responsibly. But obviously that never works, or non of us would have considered the need for sobriety. Read the big book of AA. You will hear what you have written here exactly. Compulsion is a dangerous thing.

    I think you should tell your husband honestly what has happened. He needs to understand the seriousness of this. That’s the only way he will be able to help you.

    Please take care of yourself. Tomorrow is a new day. Start again.

    Big hugs

    Anne

  3. It is not awful. it is what happens. I’ve never met anyone who took off on this journey and did not falter. If there is such a person, well, they probably didn’t need to take this road to begin with. I’m going to go against the grain here and suggest an alternative path..

    Have you ever tried to moderate with some structure? Hear me out. I was a heavy daily drinker of 25+ years, I had a physical addiction to alcohol, I was the not a person who should have attempted moderation. But I did. For a year. Why because, I had to answer the question of whether I really needed to quit. (Yeah, I know, it was pretty obvious). But I still wasn’t at a point I could imagine my life without alcohol. So I joined Moderation Management. I never went to a face to face meeting, I received all of my support from their online forums and message boards. Did I succeed? Yes! At the end of that year, I had my answer. I could not moderate. But I kicked ass at absing, and I was ready to face a life without alcohol. Not only face it, but embrace it, because I was finally convinced it was so much better than the life I had been living.

    If you would like more information about MM, email me at karymayhickey@gmail.com. It has recently been featured in articles in the New York Times and on NPR radio. I have been a member for five years and for four of those I have not drank.

    Whatever your choice, you only fail when you give up.

    1. Thanks for this info. In fact, I had heard of this Moderation Management scheme. I think abstinence will work best for me – if I can get there! Annie x

  4. thank you for being honest…this is hard my friend…hard stuff and I agree with others you have to be totally honest with your husband and ask for his help. I used to tell my husband not to buy wine when I asked him to…then I would cave and he did it….until I was brutally honest with myself and him…then I slowly moved forward…you will too….

  5. Don’t make light of the sobers days you make. It’s bigger than you realize. Try working on a positive feedback loop in your mind. It’s a good practice to learn, it may sound corny to some people but when someone is so used to beating themselves up and dwelling on an all or nothing mentality it’s really hard to look at progress. Check out Alan Standish, Progress Not Perfection podcasts. It’s not about drinking, it’s about working through negative thoughts. 🙂

  6. Stepping forward with the truth is an awesome thing! You have made so many positive steps. Your sober days do count and only last week you spoke with your doctor about drinking. That takes courage too. We are here to support you so don;t give up!

  7. Hey Annie. You sound so stuck and sad. Doing this alone doesn’t seem to be working for you. And why should it? This is really tough stuff. Time for a different approach? You’ve always got us to support you too but perhaps some real life support would really get you unstuck. I’d love to see you free to blossom Xxx

  8. I really don’t know what to tell you Annie. Have tried to think of some encouraging words but nothing really comes to mind. You’re not happy, you say your kids are disappointed in you and it seems your husband can’t quite figure out what you’re doing. It can only get worse! I am continuing to keep you in my prayers and send some strength your way.
    Mary 💕💕

  9. STRUGGLE
    ADDICTION, DRUNK DRIVING, AND SUICIDE: THE STRUGGLES OF AUDREY CONN, FOUNDER OF ‘MODERATION MANAGEMENT’
    BY GABRIELLE GLASER 01.11.156:45 AM ET

    A few days before Christmas, in a Portland suburb, Audrey Conn committed suicide in her mother’s house. Her death, like her life, was immediately seen as something larger in a vituperative debate over whether all problem drinkers need to entirely abstain. Conn, 56, was a founder of Moderation Management, a behavioral program for non-dependent drinkers who seek to change their habits.

    She came into national headlines in 2000 after a tragic accident. In January of that year, Conn, who then used her once-married name, Kishline, announced to MM members that moderation wasn’t working for her, and that she was leaving the group to attend Alcoholics Anonymous and other abstinence-based programs.

    Two months later, with a blood alcohol level three times the legal limit, Conn drove the wrong way down a highway in Washington State. She plowed into an oncoming car, killing Danny Davis and his 12-year-old daughter, LaShell.

    this was from thedailybeast.com.
    Moderation doesn’t work for us. I’m not trying to be harsh. Just something to think about

    1. Hey – for what it’s worth, Audrey Conn (Kishline) caused that drunk-driving death while a practicing member of AA. Please let’s not use that troubled woman’s tragedies as an opportunity to bash either AA or MM.

      What @karymayhickey is advocating is an attempt at structured moderation for Annie so she can have some cold hard facts in her corner that moderation likely will not work for her.

      Practicing MM is the equivalent of keeping a detailed daily food log and exercise plan for those attempting to lose weight. It’s strict; your successes and failures are right there in the spreadsheet – there’s no hiding from it. Hopefully, it’ll enable our friend to see that true moderation is what she neither wants nor needs.

  10. You say you convinced your husband that the 100 day challenge wouldn’t work, but what you really did was convince yourself of that. You got 4 days down the sober path, and you talked yourself out of it. Why? You have to start to understand your own mind before you’ll be able to really deal with this. Why did you talk yourself off of the good path you were on?

  11. I wasn’t using it as an opportunity to bash AA or MM. I attend AA. I was trying to show how alcohol takes us down. sorry if it came across otherwise.

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