I considered going to bed and saying nothing. It would be easy to get up tomorrow and carry on as if it was Day 5. No one would know. But I want to tell you. This evening I drank, so yet again my sober attempt is scuppered.
It began this afternoon when I went for a walk with my husband and basically persuaded him that my current sober 100 day strategy wasn’t going to work, and that I wanted to feel normal. By normal, I mean I want not to be thinking about drinking/not drinking. The ‘get-out’ strategy always kicks in mid-afternoon.
He agreed. But it was really weak of me, because he is a kind man, and I think he will always want to help me, and go with what I say. It’s not fair of me to put him in this position.
He asked that I control my intake. So we began well with one or two glasses. But after a while, he went to bed, and I have stayed up, drinking alone as usual. My children are so disappointed with me.
I was so tempted not to write this on my blog. Because I know I will wake up tomorrow and wish I were still sober, and you’d still think I was succeeding, and no one would know.
But this is not the way forward. I know this is awful, and that I am making little progress. I stumble almost every day. But I absolutely have to keep on trying. I can’t give up.