Patterns

Can it possibly be Day 1 again? Again? I don’t think I should get hung up on this; it’s just another day where I try again. But there do seem to be some sad patterns emerging. And there have been many other sober attempts over the years, not just since I started reading sober blogs and writing my own. I’ve been circling this area for a long time.

In the lull between my goodbye for the moment post and yesterday’s one, I decided that it would be really fun to drink at weekends. I’d have a nice, clear sober week, and then on Friday I would have a few sparkly drinks and be normal. I stocked up my supermarket trolley with fine wines, sherry (sherry? Why sherry?) and prosecco and made a drinking plan for the weekend. As soon as my husband came home on Friday evening, I sat him down and got him to drink with me. But there was a problem: he wasn’t feeling well, he didn’t want to drink over the weekend, and suddenly my drinking plans looked ridiculous. I proceeded to drink anyway, telling myself that it was fantastic to be back to how I wanted to be, free to drink. By Sunday evening, I was opening a bottle of wine late at night, in anticipation of there still being some left for Monday.

What a load of rubbish. From the very first sip on Friday night, I felt a deep sense of how precarious my situation was. And by Sunday, when I’d already woken up with a headache but found myself pouring sherry at midday I knew that this just wasn’t going to work. I had to stop.

You see, I have to stop.

As I enter yet another attempt at a sober run, I think I need to think small to start with. I need to get through these first few days, I need to get through Friday and Saturday evenings which are just my biggest biggest triggers. I need to break the pattern.

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29 thoughts on “Patterns”

  1. Hi Path, happy that you are back! πŸ™‚ <3. Don't think others haven't had weekends like that. There is a decission and then there is the maintenance of the decission. I have had more than 7 years of Day 1's till I got to rock-bottom. And no, not saying that is adviseable :-D.

  2. And you can, Annie, you really can. Trust in knowing that the relief and freedom far outweighs everything else. Still rooting for you πŸ™‚ Bea xxx

  3. One day, one hour at a time! This will be your last day 1. You want this and you CAN do it!!! Lots of prayers and hugs!
    Mary. πŸ’—πŸ’—

    1. I really feel as though I’m trying to do this one hour at a time, or even one minute at a time! The more sober attempts I try, the worse I am at it! Annie x

  4. The weekends are the hardest for me also. M-F I am positive and happy in my sobriety. And then the brain goes “it’s the weekend! Have a few”. I also don’t know how to keeps resolve going. But let’s just get through today!!

  5. Weekends are tough for a lot of us. Getting through the first one is the hardest, but once you do that, you have the momentum to keep going forward. Maybe convince your husband to not drink with you for a weekend and see how that goes?

  6. I had to do it hour by hour and sometimes minute by minute. I couldn’t think about the weekend or vacation or forever. I would do my best Scarlett O’Hara impression and say, “I’ll think about it tomorrow.” Forever was just too much for me to handle.

    You’re on your way you just can’t give up. When I knew I couldn’t think about wine or drinking or partying FOR ONE MORE MINUTE I knew I was on the other side and would make it happen.

    Don’t give up…no matter what keep trying…your life and peace of mind depend on it.

    Sherry

  7. Hi Annie, I posted anonymously to your post “In Limbo” (I’m right down at the end). Since then I’ve started my own blog and am on Day 3, first time in, well, ever. I spoke last time on your blog about ‘hiding’, and how alcohol is actually the exact opposite of that, if you think about it. I understand your despair and frustration all too well. I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m actually allergic to alcohol. One drink and I’m mad as a hatter (which of course, I am, but not in the out and out screeching, shrieking, tearing my hair out manner I get into when I glug). I think you may need to put a gentle hand upon yourself, pause in the self-flagellation, take a deep breath and ease yourself. Running yourself around in circles of self criticism and reproach will only lead you straight by the nose back to the bottle. You don’t need to feel on top of the world to give it a go, in fact you can feel as low as can be. But I guess I would suggest that you dig deep and find just one reason why you’re worth it to try. Just a day. And if the nasty voice pipes up saying “Oh you useless #&!@, Day one AGAIN?? Tell it to shut the hell up, put some music on and direct your thoughts elsewhere. Sounds easy, I know and it is anything but. I can’t say I’m finding this a walk in the park by any stretch, but I’ve found a couple of reasons why I’M worth the effort of just a day, two, and now three. And self-reproach is the last thing you need. Have a bath, buy some flowers, rearrange a room that you’ve been putting off. Make the space you occupy wholesome. It will make a difference. If not today, then perhaps tomorrow.

    1. Thanks for commenting, and for your wise words. I guess I am quite hard on myself, and it’s hard to get out of that cycle. Good luck with your new blog. I will have a look at it now. Annie x

  8. I have felt this same pain…might I suggest listening to 2 podcasts from the bubble hour when you take a walk etc…the most recent episode about relapse and the one last week about P.A.W.S. ..I learned a great deal! Sometimes we hear just the right words to get us over the hump if not even now it might help later…Virtual hug! Pam

  9. Yes. It sounds like you know what you need to do.
    Sit your husband down and tell him.
    He could be a huge source of support and accountability.

    Wanting something is not enough. You need to make it happen.

  10. I feel bad for you that you are having a rough time getting some days under your belt. I remember all the failed Day Ones and then at a certain point just giving up and saying I drink so what. But ultimately I knew that drinking wasn’t working for me anymore. I wish you luck, I will continue to check in and read about your progress.

  11. So how do we change the weekends? Can you start a family night (bowling, swimming, out for tea, cinema??) on Friday night to kick things off on a different foot? Or something else like a class. I know its hard on the weekends, with the run up to xmas (yes I typed that) maybe there’s local things on and events to keep you busier than normal.

    Hugs, hugs and more hugs. I’ve lost count of the day ones I’ve had. It shows commitment when you try so hard too remember that. Each day you’re alcohol free is a great achievement don’t forget that either.

    So whats our weekend one plan??

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