Friday evening, otherwise known as Day 1. Our friends are arriving in a few hours and I have a plan. Prepare supper, lay the table, then have a bath. It sounds crazy, but when I stopped having those baths in the evenings, my sobriety faltered. It can’t be that simple! Of course it’s not, but the successful aspects of my sober routine last time – the baths, the mocktails – really did seem to help me, so I need to put those back in place and make them sacred.
I do feel nervous. Not about this evening, but about embarking on this again. When I let things slip, and went back to my normal drinking, I allowed myself to sink into a lazy way of thinking, and for a while this relaxed mode felt good to me; because I tend to be quite controlled, and like things to be ‘just so’. It’s one of the major reasons why I drink, because I like losing the controlled feeling. I’d like to find ways in which I can feel relaxed, but not with a wine glass in hand.
I am also seeking help in other ways. I can’t just do the sober plan of old and expect it to work, magically. I need to change things. One of my sober friends – you know who you are! – has sent me a list of treats she uses which help her, because I have never got the treat thing to work. I may buy a treat once in 3 weeks, but that’s it. This time, I’m going to try and get something little every few days, or even every day. I have also asked for more help from Belle. And my friends here on A Dappled Path – I ask you to help me too. I am grateful that you are here, and I need you.
As for other forms of help – groups, therapy etc. – I don’t like to write about these on my blog, but please don’t assume I’m not looking into them. Because I am!