No end

A bit of wine. Not a lot, but enough. I gave into the craving. I just can’t do this; it seems utterly hopeless. I was like a mad woman tonight, rushing between the stove, my computer, the wine, the blog. It’s such a mess. The wine tasted bitter. And then when I saw the messages of support and encouragement from you all, I felt like a fraud. I considered not saying anything, just carrying on into Day 4 – no one would know. But then I’d be lying to everyone, not just to myself.

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20 thoughts on “No end”

  1. You are very BRAVE Annie! Put it away now, just because you tripped on a step don’t throw yourself down the whole staircase. I’m thinking of you now and saying some prayers for you. We all are! Much love, Mary 💗💗💗

  2. Oh Annie. The pain you are in. I’m sitting in chapel at my daughters academy– I will say a prayer for you. So sorry this is such a beast for you

  3. Annie, will you please take yourself and a friend to AA??????
    You need some help,- you dont always have to do everything on your own your know!
    hugs
    Lisa

  4. Annie…someone recently commented that your blog was not helping anyone. I don’t mean to be selfish, but your blog certainly has helped me. I was EXACTLY where you are. I couldn’t stand to be drunk or sober. I couldn’t imagine life with or without alcohol. It sucks….
    Getting sober is about the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I’m in my third month, and I’m starting to get some real moments of clarity and tiny glimpses of peace that I know just aren’t possible while drinking.
    When I read your blog today, I could feel your pain in my gut, and I am grateful that I am not stuck where you are right now, and I am humbled to know that I would be right there with you suffering were I to drink some wine, and I wanted you to know that if I can do it, so can you. Annie I just don’t think that “moderation” or “social drinking” are on the life menu for us. Our choices are A.)Live in an addicted hell or B.)Live Sober. Once I realized…I mean truly realized that there are no options C,D, or E for me…I decided to do everything I could to not drink. It’s hard. Sometimes, in my mind, there seems to be the moderation option, but for me IT ALWAYS LEADS BACK TO THE HELL AND THE MIND GAMES.
    Keep blogging Annie…you are writing to find your own truth. I am here for you, rooting for you and sending my love across the miles.

    Jenn

  5. Dear Annie,
    I was JUST LIKE YOU!
    My cravings were so bad. I kept giving in.
    So I finally went to AA, got a therapist, told my doctors.
    I was willing to, but didn’t have to, go on medicine to stop cravings.
    I couldn’t do it on my own.
    I really needed a bunch of help.
    You can do this.
    I hope you can get help soon!
    Hugs,
    Wendy

  6. Annie please find immediate and significant help. Whatever you have to do before alcohol makes the choice for you! This journey is still in your control for now but it sounds as though things are escalating. Prayers for you to find help and peace!

  7. Annie, it’s really brave of you to chronicle your struggle publicly. I think for many of us who have put down alcohol and not looked back, that decision was preceded by a long internal struggle. I didn’t try to quit until I realized I had no choice but to quit. Between that first inkling that maybe I’m drinking too much until I quit, for good, 9 years elapsed. The only reason those years weren’t full of fits and starts (even though I did give up alcohol for long-ish periods here and there, for Lent, until my birthday, etc.) was because I could not conceive of my life without alcohol. So I never tried to give it up. My not drinking was always to prove I could. That you are even entertaining the idea of abstinence puts you light years ahead of where I was 9 years ago.

  8. Your current attempts are not working. This is understandable as addiction can hold one in a vice grip and some people get held tighter than others. You need a different approach, whether its AA or the medical route or rehab. I so admire your honesty and I know you are making an honest and real attempt to stop drinking. But some people need more than will power. That is not a weakness. There are lots of illnesses one can’t treat on one’s own. Please consider going down a different route. xx

  9. You are not a fraud dear Annie! You are someone fighting an addiction! If the same things aren’t working, it’s time to try something different. I know you really want this. Decide what you’re going to do differently from other attempts and come back and share with us. Then, when you receive our messages of encouragement, support and love, you can take those into whatever you’re doing differently, that you may need courage and strength for. I’m so tired, I’m not sure I’m making sense! I hope you understand what I mean? Bravo for your bravery Annie 👏👏👏

  10. it happens. . . don’t beat yourself up. I found that my drinking was very habitual . .at the computer at night . .while cooking . .i now drink every night still . . v-8 splash, cranberry-raspberry and flavored seltzer . . rushing around is a spiral of out-of-control . . .drinking is such a big part of that . . .please try so very hard to be mindful . . .of everything. . don’t be alone if you can . . .you will get there . . hugs

  11. You are not a fraud, I had countless days breaking promises I made to myself, my husband and my children, except I wasn’t brave enough to blog about it. Mrs D is Going Without has a good post today about how hopeless alcohol makes you feel. Hugs.

  12. I am right there with you…back at day one. But I know I need to do this and want to get it right. There was a little wine left this morning, and my husband poured it down the sink. Just keep at it. You are not alone!!

  13. Dear Annie, what will it take? A DUI? Something worse? Please find a way to get help. You’re clearly in a downward spiral and it’s moving much more quickly than you thought it would. For your kids’ sake, for your husband’s sake… and for YOUR sake, though you might not believe you’re worth it right now… get some help.

  14. I agree about maybe considering other support….you can do this…..it took me 5 years of trying— just to get to 70+ days……..many many many day 1s…….many. You have to really want it.

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