Although I stopped writing the blog, for a while I still tried to tackle sobriety. I went to a few meetings, and though I sat silently and listened, and didn’t speak, I felt part of a wider group, of people dealing with similar issues. But because I couldn’t commit to the programme, I felt a fraud and I stopped going. I went to see a counsellor and discussed setting up a series of sessions; again, I backed away before things got going. Always on the brink, but never going that extra step towards commitment.
And so, unable to envisage a future where not drinking really worked for me, I slipped away from the meetings, from my intentions to stay sober, and slowly fell back into the old ways. And in the last month or so, the dappled path has been almost entirely obscured.
Moderation! It doesn’t work for me. And the plans I began to formulate in order to drink every day became more and more entrenched. My husband was unaware of it, and was relieved I think that I seemed to have stopped obsessing about ways to get and stay sober. And so our drink free weeks would continue, him on the sparkling water, me slugging back glasses of wine before he came home, then keeping a glass on hand in the cupboard which I could sip on all evening. And I felt ok about this. Sober doesn’t work, secrecy does… No one need know that I am participating in a clandestine drinking life, all by myself.
But I began to notice that the rituals were becoming less important – the nice glass, the sophisticated aperitif time on my own, even the quiet dinners with my husband at weekends, knocking back the red wine. What I noticed was that I barely cared what I was drinking any more, or even when I was drinking it; I simply had to have it, and I had to know I’d be drinking at some point that day or I would start to panic. And when I looked at myself queuing up in the garage to pay for teeny tiny bottles of prosecco – and no petrol – I knew I had to stop, and look, and reassess. It had got a grip on me again, it was getting worse, and I was out of control.
So, here I am, on day 2 of my self-imposed challenge, desperately trying to claw my way out of a very real hole.
27 thoughts on “Trying to face denial”
I find myself in your shoes … Everything you said (you have no idea how much we have common). So how are you going about it this time. I need to follow you on your 30 days!
Thanks for following me. Annie x
Welcome back. So so happy to see you back. You have made a lot of progress since your last post in April.
Sorry – I just realised that you posted on your blog yesterday too 🙂
That is kind. I don’t feel I’ve made much progress! Annie x
You are already a day’s climb out of that hole, Annie. And tomorrow you’ll be further still. Just keep climbing, one foot in front of the other. X
I am trying to climb. Annie x
Hi there. So glad to see you and your lovely honesty back. My experience has been exactly the same Annie. But I didn’t even pretend to abstain in the week. I even started to drink vodka because the hangovers were lessened. I started day one again on June 6th then failed dismally as I couldn’t face an emotional family weekend doing a charity event in mum’s memory without something to numb the pain. On Sunday I felt truly horrific and am now on day three again! For the fourth attempt. I’ve done 42 and 98 since September and I do believe that I feel stronger each time as I know how much there is to gain. Good luck Annie. We could make 30 together 🙂
Making 30 together would be really good. Annie x
Maybe this time you can follow through with the counsellor. Or the meetings?
Committing to either or both for a month.
I know you think your husband prefers you like this, but I am sure he doesn’t want you to be unhappy. Just tell him. Drinking is making you unhappy. Being sober causes you distress because it is hard, but the alternative is worse.
I expect he will become your biggest support. Along with all the rest of us.
My husband is supportive, but it is true that he doesn’t quite know the whole story. Annie x
I can so relate to this Annie. It’s so hard, but you have done the extensive research you need to know where you and drinking stand. I wish you all the best with your challenge and will be thinking of you x x x
Thank you for being here. Annie x
Oh sweetie…aren’t you exhausted? All of this thinking and over thinking must have you feeling so tired. I know you can do this. I believe in you.
Yes, I really am exhausted! Annie x
i can relate to every single word of your post. i am back on day 2. right there with you….
Hello. I’m glad you’re here with me. Annie x
Yes, you began to notice because _you_ know how you participate in life. Whether it’s secretly drinking yet being unable to fill up the hole with wine, or letting go and deciding that you deserve something different, something better. I think the scary part comes from not knowing what ‘different’ and ‘better’ will look like, but give it time and you will see. And trust me, it’s ALL GOOD!! 😀 x
I try and believe it when people say how good it is, but it does feel out of reach. Annie x
A leap of faith perhaps. But worth it, many times over x
Well done on day 2. I am behind you for these 30 days. You can do this. Remember how good you felt when you did 42 days. Just get through these first few difficult days and you will be ok. Am here for you.
Thank you so much, Angie. I know you’re there and that is comforting. Annie x
I know what you are dealing with. With the right support I believe we are all stronger than what we consume. One day at a time… Oh my I’m now quoting the program lol.
The one day at a time mantra does really help, I think, especially today (day 3). Annie x
It really does! Congratulations for today and for making it safely through yesterday! Sending our prayers that you see today all the way through *hugs*
Keep going Annie xx
Thanks. I will try. Annie x