I am not good at this. It’s 12.45am and I am still up, the rest of the family in bed. I started drinking again this evening, despite having a good plan in place, and having gone to the meeting. I don’t think this is ever going to work for me.
I read back over the last 6 months or so of my blog. It’s pretty pitiful, with all the day ones, and false starts. I haven’t had a good sober stretch since September last year. I keep coming back to the blog, I try meetings, counselling…and still I talk myself out of sobriety every time, and start drinking again. Today at the meeting, the person sitting next to me said, ‘You have to really want it.’
Perhaps my problem is that I don’t really want it. I keep dabbling in it, but am not fully committed. The problem is partly that I feel committed all day, and then weaken each afternoon. And in recent months, this has happened regularly.
I am worried about my blog. I don’t think it’s helpful for other people when I write about relapse after relapse. No messages of hope here, just disaster and failure. I spent some time this evening looking at other blogs, and they move forward more positively.
I think I should take some time out, work out what’s happening in my sad little sobersphere, and report in again when I have more positive news. It’s not that I want to write the perfect story, but I do know there are people out there who connect with me, and I don’t want to let them down.
A Dappled Path 
Please don’t disappear! Your struggle is one many of us share. It is 8pm right now and I feel safe that I won’t drink today but who knows about tomorrow? I also considered discontinuing my blog but I feel like that would add to my sense of giving up. Never give up! If this was easy, there wouldn’t be so many of us struggling. You can do it. We both can. xx
I won’t disappear. Annie x
Your story is my story…and so many of us here have been on the hard road you are walking. I am on Day 1 again too. The comment “you have to really want it” is true I think. That has been my struggle. I really love the whole cocktail hour thing…the opening/pouring etc the pop of the cork, those sound of wine splashing into the glass, sitting down to read the paper and/or talk to my husband. But it never stops there. Cocktail hour becomes cocktail NIGHT…and I do it night after night. Promising myself every morning that this day will be different.
Here’s the thing: I know that the only way I will succeed living AF is if I create a new vision of myself that is healthy, fit active, well-read and informed. Not living in a fog feeling sick and bloated. I also need to get busier (I am recently retired). I have a mental picture of myself as I want to be and I am going to try and make that vision a reality – and I know there is no place for booze in the picture. I am clinging to that right now.
Can you re-frame your choices and view each day as the chance for you to be your best you…celebrate who you are and don’t think about what you are giving up, but what you are gaining. That is what I am trying to do. Good luck to you and many hugs. I know you wish the same for me.
I love your comments Beattle – but especially it’s not what you are giving up but what you are gaining. So much to gain… your stories are my stories and I admire you all for your honesty and transparency and perseverance to keep trying. i gave up so many times over so many years I can’t even begin to count how many day 1’s I had. I kept reading and exploring the concept of AF but failed miserably a million times.
AND THEN ONE DAY I REALLY WANTED TO BE SOBER MORE THAN I WANTED TO DRINK …. and day 1 became day 2 …that was 2 years ago. You are gorgeous strong women and you can do this is you want it badly enough. Keep on trying … we are all watching your back.
2 years sobriety, Jose. That’s brilliant! Annie x
Your comments Bettie and Jose are very helpful. On the same place where you are Bettie, Day 1 again for me. Hoping this time is the right one because I do want sobriety more than drinking. Hope you find your way to a better life as well Annie. And please know that your honnesty is so precious because like you, not all of us have success stories immediately… we struggle just like you do but we don’t give up. We all deserve to be happy and free from this terrible addicition. You can do it, we can do it. About your blog Annie, do what’s best for you, what feels right deep down your soul. Thank you for your generosity and all the best. Sending you lots of love. Diane xo
Thank you, Diane. I won’t disappear, and I will keep writing. Annie x
Thank you for these really wise words. I like the idea of viewing each day as a chance to be the best possible me. Annie x
First Annie, you do what you need to do for you. Second, you DO connect with us and third, you’ll never let us down! Come back to us when the time is right for you.
Always in my thoughts, Mary 💕💕
Mary, you are wonderful. Annie x
It’s complicated. Remember that. Sometimes the blogs of those who are succeeding on their journey are inspiring … I need them. But sometimes they make me feel like a failure. Your story is painful – i want you to be free – but it’s also inspiring because you haven’t given up yet. You keep fighting – and it gives voice to my journey and how incredibly hard this is. If you need to go silent for a while – that is fine. But do it for yourself not for the blogeshere. Most of us get it.
Thanks for this comment. I will keep fighting. Annie x
Annie, we all worry too much about what other people think. That’s what drinkers, and ex-drinkers DO. I worry that people will eventually tire of my blog because I haven’t (yet) relapsed. All that endless, boring, sobriety….
The truth is that if people find your blog helpful they’ll read it, and if they don’t, they won’t. Simples.
If it’s helping you (which I bet it is) then CARRY ON!
And, for what it’s worth, I love it.
Xxx
SoberMummy, I love your blog. And you’re right – we all worry too much! Annie x
im with sober mummy on that, i worry that mine is boring too. you see, we all worry too much! do what you need for YOU Annie, but i really think it is time for inpatient facility …..
hugs as always
Lisa
Lisa, I hear you. But I just can’t leave the family. Annie x
Don’t disappear Annie. Just check in every day with whatever is going on for you. No one is forced to read your blog. Many of us want to because we care and we like you. You are human and we are all only one drink away from feeling the same despair and guilt.
Take care and please keep writing x
I will keep writing. Annie x
i agree- don’t disappear. i am reading daily and struggling as well. i am on my day one AGAIN and can relate to the relapse after relapse and it gives me hope to see you trying again and not giving up. i too am trying again and not giving up…we can do this. no matter how many day ones we have to get behind us.
cheryl
I am glad if I am giving you hope, Cheryl. Keep trying! Annie x
None of this is pitiful Annie. You are in a real fight with an addictive substance. You are being brave and selfless just by putting it out there. Yes, I do agree you need to want it and I also believe some things, both internally & externally, need to align to give you the power to break away. It might not be now but in any case you have friends here and we are wishing you happiness and good health no matter what. Take care of yourself xx
Thank you, Lara. I really appreciate the support I get here. Annie x
Hmmmm…I’m going to go against the grain here. I’ve been reading you from the beginning. I struggled for 4 years to string together even a week of no booze. I had many failed blogs where I would feel guilty that I had to keep resetting. I finally quit blogging, but continued to read sober blogs and keep tapped into the sobersphere. Now I’m at 155 days sober.
I honestly had to get off the internet and stop navel gazing to get clean. It also took the immense pressure off me and let me work through my sobriety in my own way without worrying about the peanut gallery.
You don’t have to be an inspiration. You have to do what works for you. That may be getting off the internet, but not for our sake. For your sake.
Found this comment really helpful, and it got me thinking. Thank you. I’m going to keep writing, but I’m not going to feel the pressure to write every day and I’m going to concentrate on trying to get sober. Annie x
Good for you. And know that it’s ok if you need to take a break.
“Failure is an event, not a person.” – Zig Ziglar
I am reading “A Sober Year” by Meredith Bell and she talks about how no one, no matter how far down the scales they go, is a failure if they are working on their sobriety. I have failed in getting sober, she says….and my fall from the wagon was spectacular!
I’m on Day 4 my friend. Dreaming and letting the demons out. Keep writing please! You are very courageous.
Thank you. I don’t feel very courageous! Annie x
My blog had many starts and stops in the first year, but I was also trying to moderate at times, at which I failed. Of course, I had tried to moderate on my own for years and failed miserably, but I decided to give myself a year with the support of others to give it an all-out effort. And I did. And I failed again. But I had answered all of my questions of whether I could ever control my drinking, even more importantly, I answered the question of whether I wanted to put any more time and effort into drinking. I didn’t. I’ve been at peace with my decision to not drink ever since.
I’m not saying that you should try moderation. I’m saying that you are on the journey right now to find your own answers. Throw away the Day 1’s. Don’t post another Day 1 up there on your blog. You can’t go back to the beginning and start over. You just keep going, even if there are detours and delays, you get back on the road as fast as you can and keep driving.
I really like this advice. Thank you. Because I’ve been wondering if my endless day ones hold me back, and make me feel rubbish. Annie x