I am sorry

I haven’t made it; I haven’t been able to sustain my run of sober days. I got to yesterday, Day 22, but today I have failed, and it has gone wrong.

First, I closed the blog. Then I thought that was stupid, and that people might worry. And then I knew that I had to be honest, and to tell you.

I don’t know whether it was because I took my eye off the ball, that I thought I could do it without thinking about it? Over the past week or so, people started to comment that I needed to keep on track, that I couldn’t expect it to happen without putting in the work.

I am sorry. I do feel I’ve let everyone down – and I’ve certainly let myself down.

But from here, I need to move forwards, to start again, to pick up the pieces and carry on.

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25 thoughts on “I am sorry”

  1. Don’t apologize to us. Like Belle says what you’re doing is good but you need more tools. Try different. I have (finally) given AA it’s proper due. It is making a difference this time. I’m working with someone and attending meetings whenever I can and talking to people after instead of running out the door. My husband and parents know that I’m going (not the kids).
    I miss drinking. I loved it when I was in the moment of it. But the aftermath- hangovers, guilt/shame, impaired memeories (or none at all) has brought me to my knees. And that’s what I have to keep reminding myself. (I suspect we are similar in this regard). Give AA a try. Don’t let a “slip” get the better of you!!!

  2. You did great! That’s 22 days of no drinking in a row. Blip. Pick up and start on your 23rd day without alcohol on Day 24 of the journey. You can do this!

  3. Hi Annie. I’m glad you’re still writing about this. Keep on trying. You don’t owe anyone online anything, but you owe it to yourself to take care of yourself and find a way to live that works for you. You had three sober weeks and that’s awesome! Lots of sober people talk about how important it is to find someone who will “call you on your own bullshit.” (There’s probably a polite way to say that but I don’t know what that is!) I think that’s one big benefit shared by lots of ways of getting sober, whether it’s therapy, or blogging, or AA. Part of it is you have to start to recognize your own patterns and evasions, and we all know that’s painful stuff. I hope you take some time to analyse the past month to see if there were places where you can, in retrospect, see that you started to move away from being sober before you ever took the drink. I hope you dig right back in again and do the work. Being sober really is worth the effort! xo

  4. Annie, ever fall off a horse, a bike, miss a tennis ball, squash ball, etc. If its worth doing its usually tough. Don’t beat yourself up. The fact that you are back here means you don’t want to quit quitting. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, learn from the experience and move forward. Slow progress is still PROGRESS.

    Justonemore

  5. There is no need to apologize to us. We are just here to support you and love you.
    Think about what more help you need. Perhaps it’s time to try the treatment centre again.

    Tomorrow is a new day. There is nothing wrong with dry January being 30 out of 31 days. That’s still awesome.

  6. Annie, 3 weeks is amazing. You need all your energy for this new job of yours so keep going. It’s a blip, that’s all. You’re having a great Dry January. Don’t be an all or nothing person (like I am !!!!) xxx

  7. Oh Annie – just seen this and no you don’t need to apologise – getting to 22 days is huge, and you’re still here and still trying, that takes incredible strength. It is all progress, and you’ll learn from it, and we’re all here for you willing you to keep going. So glad you’ve not closed the blog, please keep writing. Sending you a massive hug, let’s push on forward eh? Red xx

  8. Glad you didn’t shut down the blog, because you have “Helped Someone” in your journey. Maybe this will help you? Thank you.

    Help Someone

  9. Annie…this is hard stuff. I recommend that you see a therapist and be honest with him or her. If you’re worried about what people here think, then it’s hard to be honest about what’s really going on with Annie. The support on these blogs is life-changing for me but they are a part of my recovery not all of it and each of us needs different support at different times. You don’t have to quit drinking to go into therapy. Go talk to someone about how you’re really feeling about drinking and everything else. I didn’t think I was addicted. It took me a lot of stops and starts to see that I was doing the same thing over, and over and over and over again. I’m here for you regardless of whether you drink or not. If you find that you can keep alcohol in your life and work things out then I’m still here for you, not everyone has to quit drinking. If you come to the point that some drinkers reach where you just know that it’s only going downhill and you want help climbing out of the foxhole of addiction, then I’m here for that too. I’m sorry that you are going through this.
    XOXO
    Jenn

  10. There is nothing to apologize for. Beating yourself up is not going to make anything better. Beating yourself up just does Wolfie’s job for him. He wants you to feel worthless and un-worthy of our support. He wants you to give up and just drink. Don’t let him win. Stand up, brush yourself off, and keep going. Whether you know it or not, you’ve made a lot of progress. Don’t let this little slip knock you all the way back to the bottom. Grab a ledge, pull yourself up and keep climbing. As Anne said, if you have 30 out of 31 days in dry January, you’ve done pretty well. Progress, not perfection. Figure out why you slipped, and try to figure out what you could do differently the next time. And sharing all that here is what the blogs are for. We’ve all been where you are and we get it. No judgement here. This shit is hard.

  11. hey you had 22 days! outstanding…. don’t be discouraged. one step forward and one step back. i have, as well, been trying to stop drinkng or at least slow down and am struggling. i do well for a few days and then drink. you give me inspiration to keep at it. thanks so much for you honesty….

  12. I agree with the others- 3 weeks is really great! If you can do that, you can get sober for good. I know how frustrating it is to keep falling off… I am on a similar wobbly wagon. I have one week now. I’m not giving up and I hope you don’t either.
    Annie, life is so much better sober, even though it’s hard. I had almost a year sober and I really regret relapsing as it’s taking me a lot of tries to get sober again.
    But we can’t stop because we can’t continue to live in active addiction. It’s so miserable!! It really is.
    Best wishes Annie. Do whatever it takes to beat this!

  13. Pick yourself up, girl. Stop apologizing. Move forward. Not easy but doable. Don’t beat yourself up. It will not help but will make things worse. Relapases happen. It is very natural. What matters is not giving up. I’ve done it so many times. My longest dry run is 27 days. I was never able to make it to 30 days. 22 days is good. Really good. If you keep trying, it will get easier. It did for me. Or so I think. I had so many day 1s, I stopped counting. I am on day 8 now, and I am feeling optimistic.
    Don’t close your blog. You will need it. You will need us. I closed three blogs before. Still ended up coming back and opening my current one.
    Cheer up. We are all walking the same road.

  14. Annie, please don’t give up. This weekend was so, so tough and we are all human. There is a big difference between a lapse, relapse, and total collapse. You can contain this and move on minus one day. Think feedback not failure, learn from it. What triggered you, what thoughts did you succumb to, perhaps you were tired/stressed/angry/rebellious? Only you have these answers but like some others have said, talking it over with a therapist face to face can aid the reflection/exploration process. Please be kind to yourself and well done on your decision to keep the blog going. I admire your courage and determination. xxxx

  15. Don’t be sorry! You did awesome and just think how much healthier your body is for doing that time!! You will do more and that will be awesome too!! I wish I could have done as well as you!! I’m cheering you on!!

  16. I used to follow your blog, then I couldn’t read it for a long time and very, very occasionally I remember to google to see if there’s any news of how you’re doing. I’m so relieved to see something from you. It’s a struggle, Annie, and you’re keeping going, and I’m full of admiration for you. Good luck with it, and never give up giving up. It is worth it, but it isn’t easy. You’ll get there. Hugs.

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