Day…

…one.

I start today. I can’t forget the whole of my blog, the many days that have gone before. I thought about starting a brand new blog, being a different person…but my path is my path, and I need to look back in order to look forwards.

My sober attempts, my sober failures, it all feels a bit of a mess.

I do listen to you all. I know it doesn’t look that way! Meetings, counselling, the recovery centre…they need to be back in place. I am not going to go to rehab, so I need to have other plans, and they start today.

I have got up early this Sunday, before the rest of the family. I am quietly sitting here, writing, with just the dog for company.

No drinking today, and I will do whatever it takes to achieve that.

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17 thoughts on “Day…”

  1. Good morning, Annie. I really hope this time sobriety works for you. Your blog reminds me of myself, a decade before I stopped drinking. So many new starts, promises to myself and my family broken, so much shame and secrecy. Like you, I enlisted my husband for support, however in hindsight I now realise that, because he just could not understand the insidious ways of addition, he was not in a position to give appropriate help. My addict mind would find ways in which I would use what he said and did to “enable” me to drink. I was a further 10 years down the increasingly gloomy path before I got enough help, enough professional psychological support to empower me to break free from addiction, and other self esteem issues, etc, that I hadn’t even realised were keeping me stuck.
    You know you need more help. I can see your journey so clearly mirrored in my own. I don’t want you to get further enmired before you seek help.
    Trish xx

  2. Hi Annie, I mentioned you in my blog the other day. I think about you and check you’re blog every day wondering how you’re doing. Like you, I have had years of doing the same, and am sure most other people on here have too. If I dig out my diaries from two or three years ago each day is a record of stopping and starting again, it’s just that my record is on a paper diary, not on a blog. Reading your blog it seems (I hope you don’t mind me saying this) you still feel you are missing out on something wonderful on the days that you don’t drink. I can understand this, I am only on day 8 and I am reading back from my diaries from last month and am so saddened to see myself talking myself through the daily battles. Something has clicked this time though, I can’t put it in to words but it will do for you too, stick with it, as always, rooting for you!

  3. Hi Annie! I am pleased to read that you are going to get proper professional support this time. Hope you have an appointment with your GP and will get medication and/or a referral to the NHS addiction services.

    As they say fail to plan, plan to fail! Hope you’re able to look back over your blog and see all the times you gave in to the urge to drink. Why did you do that? What contingency plans can you put in place to stop a repeat. Looking at your diary for the next few weeks/months how can you plan to cope with any up and coming triggers.

    What new habits can you put in place to help you cope better with what appears to be quite a full on life. Could yoga help? Getting up an hour early for yoga/meditation may calm and centre you for the day. Or a long walk? It seems quiet alone time in the morning is necessary for you and perhaps you can really make that work for you.

    There is a Louis Theroux documentary on bbc2 tonight that is worth a watch for us all. 9pm. There but for the grace of God.

    At the end of the day, only you can do it. But we’re all cheering you on. Big hug. X

  4. Hi Annie. Day one here too. I managed 25 days and then last night had 3 glasses of wine. The cravings have been building all week and when my husband suggested we get a take away curry last night, well, it was the straw that broke the camel’s back. The thing is I didn’t really even enjoy it. The curry would have tasted the same without wine, my enjoyment of the evening would have been the same without wine and today would have been day 26. I’m disappointed in myself but am using yesterday as an important lesson and will keep on. I’ve learnt a lot over about myself over the last 25 days, as will you have during your sober times. It’s time to take all that we have learnt and to listen to those who have walked in our shoes and continue on our journey one step at a time. I am here to hold your hand, as are so many others, on our trip of a lifetime x

  5. Another thought – possibly thinking about starting a new blog is your addict brain trying to justify making little tweaks around the edges of what you are already doing, and delaying getting the help you really need. I didn’t get sober until my children had grown up and left home, having had so many day ones for years and years and years and years. I don’t want to see this happening to you, too. The New Day One stage of addiction can last for decades. Make radical changes, get more help now.
    Trish xx

    1. I did the same thing, Trish. Somehow the chaos and responsibility of having kids around was too much for my continued sobriety. That and my large group of drinking friends. Another ten years passed in no time.
      — S

  6. Hi Annie, I’ve never written a blog but my past is littered with diaries I’ve bought, each intended to be a record of my journey to sobriety. Nearly every one is full of ‘Day 1’s and most of them were abandoned because I was so ashamed and horrified that I couldn’t manage to persevere and there were so many excuses, blank pages which lasted months, then more ‘Day 1’s. This year’s diary is different. I have accepted, finally, the truth that is:

    Moderation is not an option..

    This is a journey you have to do, in some ways, alone. Although there is so much help and advice out there, including AA and loads of wonderful supportive people, sometimes you’re at home and there’s only you – and your family. Do not try and use your husband as an encouragement for attempts at moderation. He does not understand and is unlikely to ever know that this is not an option for you. You know. You just have to acknowledge it once and for all.

    Good luck x

  7. I am glad you’re still hanging in there. Because I had so many day ones, I would drop out of one AA group and then go to another one when I started again. This way I would not have to face the “shame” of having to start over. I don’t believe in shame anymore. I know there is only today, and today I won’t drink. I think that is the hardest concept for me to grasp. I love making plans like: “I will not drink for one year.” Hence, my blog. It turns out I did drink, but I’m starting over. I also wanted to delete my blog since (once again) I had not managed to stay away from a Cosmopolitan. But your blog has helped me — in fact, I very suddenly have to go to a funeral this week that is bound to be depressing and stressful. I know that this was a trigger for you, so I am going to be extra vigilant. I may even bow out. It’s like I see you pointing to the path I’m on and saying, “Be careful here.”

    Thank you, Annie.
    — S

  8. Gosh Annie, I feel so badly for you. I can almost see you sitting with the dog, early Sunday morning, pouring you heart out to us, really really really intending this to be your last day one. But read back over your post. Addict Annie is still firmly in charge.

    How can I tell? The thoughts about abandoning your blog and starting a new one. The idea that plans “need to be in place”. (Are they in place? Did you go to a meeting today? Have you called the recovery center yet?) And most telling: “I am not going to go to rehab.”

    That last? That is addict annie talking. The real annie says “whatever it takes” and addict annie chimes in “except go to rehab, except get to a meeting right now, except admit to my husband and my family and myself exactly how bad this is.”

    It’s very easy, and therapeutic, to write in your blog that you’ll do whatever it takes. I know that when you write that, part of you really means it. But making a vow to a bunch of anonymous blog readers isn’t going to get you sober. Facing the fact that you are in real trouble, that you can’t do this on your own, and getting some real help, including rehab if it comes to that, just might.

    1. Clear and honest thoughts here.
      Wishing and hoping never worked for me. Action-scary, difficult action, was required.

      I expect we all had years of sober declarations followed by continued drinking. We all have deep compassion and understanding of where you are Annie, and we all only want you to be happy and healthy.

      Call the addiction centre today. Go see them today. Change things. It’s scary, but it is also brave and liberating.

      Anne

  9. So glad that you continue to blog. Your story will help so many others to feel not so alone in their journey. We all do this loop and I believe that the loop is part of the healing process. One day, this loop will end for you. Just you continuing to make the effort means that you are very strong and you will succeed. Sending positive vibes and big hugs your way.

  10. Hi Annie. Glad to see you here.. my heart sunk when I saw you had locked your blog yesterday as it seemed like the pattern was starting all over again. I know there has been much debate about blips and bumps etc, but I guess that was my fear.. if it wasn’t a blip the momentum got lost and it could turn into a full on binge, and there goes the pattern once again..

    That said, I fully agree with tryingsobriety, addict Annie is still in charge. You are so well intentioned, so desperate for this time to be different, and yet there are these caveats around what you are willing and not willing to do to get there. You have a wealth of material in your blog that demonstrates what doesn’t work for you. Its not fair and its not fun, but that’s life, everyone’s sobriety journey will be different and some will be more complex than others. Do you really, really want this? Is there part of you that feels you are not serious enough of a drinker for rehab??

    With all the love and good intention in the world, none of us can do it for you. Are you really and truly willing to do what it takes??

  11. Not trying to pile on, here but I agree with tryingSobriety and SWmum. Your addiction has convinced you that going to rehab is off the table. Alcoholism is a process that does not get better. It just keeps getting worse. Only you really know your condition, but from what you’ve written here, you’ve gone from stringing months together at a time to barely able to string together more than a couple of days. That should set off some red flags, the biggest of which is that you’re saying that no matter how bad this gets, and it WILL get worse, that going to rehab is not an option. You’ve just given your addiction a free pass to take you right up to the point of no return, and arguably the most potent weapon in your arsenal, an inpatient rehab where you can deal with things in a safe environment, you’re going to leave holstered.

    It’s like Wolfie is saying, “See, she has the weapon, but she won’t kill me. As long as I can convince her that she’s not that bad, and that she’s weak, I have her. She doesn’t know how powerful I am, and I’m just getting more powerful by the day. I have scrambled her perceptions and turned truth into lies and lies into truths. I’ve made her think she has no say in her own life. Soon, she’ll have no will left, and she’s already said she won’t pick up what may be the last weapon she’ll have access to.”

    Don’t let Wolfie think he’s got you in the bag. Nothing can be off the table. Not if you really want this.

  12. So many wise words! I’ve said it before, the only difference between you and me is that I wasn’t blogging when I was firmly caught in the drinking spiral. I know that it’s scary – going to meeting, going to a therapist, going to rehab, cleaning out alcohol from your environment, making your space an alcohol-free zone…all these things confirm that ‘this is real”. But it is real. And action is needed. Scary action. But we are all here for you xxx

  13. Thank you for sharing, Annie. I’ve been following your blog and I appreciate your honesty. It’s a tough road. I think many blog at that point where they are ready to “make it”. Past relapses and failures aren’t always shared. I have started and stopped for years. I am finally ready. Your Day 1 today inspired me to start my own blog, just to hold myself accountable to my writing. I’m here with you. I hope your new Day 1 went well! I hope mine does too!

  14. I admire you for staying with the same blog, the same you, and the truth! It is such a struggle and you have inspired me to keep blogging even when I fail, because we will both eventually succeed, right? Keep it up, don’t disappear and be yourself….I love the you that keeps going. It is inspiring to say the least!

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